Marc Bressman's Home Page

Geico Caveman / Billie Jean King Commercial

2008-11-01T21:11:00.003-04:00

This is an interesting commercial - I never really got it until recently (or at least think I got it until recently). The cavemen in these commercials are actually all relatively intelligent, but Geico constantly talks about them as being stupid - and so its in Geico's best interest (in the fictional world of these commercials) for them to actually come across as stupid. So I think this commercial is actually presenting the caveman as winning, but Geico is "fixing" the match so that he's losing really badly - this is why he quits when he realizes it's a Geico-sponsored event and they're cheating to make him look like he's losing. The only thing that doesn't make sense is why the caveman didn't realize at first that it was a Geico-sponsored event since their signs are all over. Maybe he was just so into the match (and the fact that he was beating Billie Jean King). Still - it's a funny commercial.

Punchlines

2008-10-30T21:02:00.001-04:00

Comedy writer Alan Ray: "Halloween is Friday. It's where you put on fake hair and go door to door. Or, as Joe Biden calls it, 'Friday.'"

Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show": "The longest-serving Republican senator, Alaska's Ted Stevens, was found guilty ... on all charges in his corruption trial. Do you know this story? He failed to report he had some work done on his house. Yeah, here's the bad part. You know who did the work? Joe the Plumber. Unlicensed."

Michael Feldman, public radio's "Whad'Ya Know?": "John McCain, going into overdrive, introduces the Village People: Craig the Fireman, Chris the Carpenter, Maurice the Hard Hat, Frances the Cop, and Harry the Indian."

Comedy writer Jim Barach: "Oil prices are continuing to tumble. Finally people can afford to buy gas again, right after the Wall Street meltdown cost them the job that they used to drive to."

Craig Ferguson, "The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson": "The Pentagon is buying a portrait of Donald Rumsfeld for $46,000. But it will probably cost 10 times that, serve no real purpose, and never be finished. Remind you of anything?"

Conan O'Brien, "Late Night with Conan O'Brien" on swing voters: "Political experts say that John McCain's only chance of winning the presidential election next week is to attract swing voters. Unfortunately, McCain thinks swing voters are people who listen to Glenn Miller."

Courtesy of Ken Rasak and Newsday.com

Saturday Night Live - Weekend Update Special - Fred's Map

2008-10-26T21:31:00.002-04:00

Fred Armisen shows off his interactive election coverage map - very funny!

You have to get about a minute and a half into it before you see Fred Armisen do his election coverage map bit (if the clock is counting down instead, it's with about 5 minutes and 28 seconds left when he first comes on)

Punchlines

2008-10-23T21:26:00.001-04:00

Bill Maher, "Real Time with Bill Maher": "Joe the plumber, turns out, really isn't a licensed plumber, he's in trouble for not paying the taxes that he does owe, he isn't really close to buying any sort of plumbing company, and his name isn't Joe. Or, as the McCain campaign explained it, 'Who is Barack Obama?'"

Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show," on same: "John McCain has said that he wants to help this man. Here's what he should do: Have him re-pipe all of McCain's houses. That would be a job for life."

Comedy writer Alan Ray: "Colin Powell has endorsed Barack Obama for president. This has forced Sarah Palin to change her stump speech. 'Our opponent is someone who pals around with militarists.'"

Comedy writer Janice Hough: "After weeks of being lampooned by Tina Fey, Sarah Palin showed up in person on 'Saturday Night Live.' Apparently Joe Biden also inquired about coming to speak on the show, but NBC informed him that the program only runs for an hour and a half."

Comedy writer Doug Austen: "Madonna and filmmaker Guy Ritchie are getting divorced after nearly eight years of marriage. No word yet on who will get custody of her British accent."

Amy Poehler, "Saturday Night Live": "Despite enormous fluctuations in the Dow Jones average this week, billionaire investor Warren Buffett announced Friday that he will continue to invest in the stock market during the current financial crisis. So remember, everyone, this is no time to panic, as long as you're the richest man on Earth."

Courtesy of Ken Rasak and Newsday.com

Punchlines

2008-10-16T21:25:00.001-04:00

Comedy writer Doug Austen: "In an interview with Fox News, Hillary Clinton says her chances of running for president again are 'Probably close to zero.' Translation: She hasn't yet chosen a design for the Hillary 2012 bumper sticker."

Comedy writer Janice Hough: "Amazingly, after almost two years of this presidential campaign, millions of Americans still claim to be undecided. And aren't these the same people who always seem to be in front of you in line at Starbucks?"

Conan O'Brien, "Late Night with Conan O'Brien": "A town in upstate New York is being accused of being biased because they sent out absentee ballots that say 'Barack Osama.' Today they apologized and printed new ballots that say, 'Barack Hussein Osama.'"

Comedy writer Jim Barach: "The White House says it was 'despicable' that executives from AIG spent $440,000 on a retreat days after the government bailed out their company. To which President George W. Bush said, 'Taking a vacation in the middle of the crisis? Who do they think they are - me?'"

Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show": "General Motors fell to its lowest level since 1950, not a good sign. In fact, in terms of carmakers, General Motors is now third behind Tonka and Hot Wheels."

Comedy writer Alan Ray: "Kids won't be going to Sarah Palin's house this Halloween. 'Trick or treat?' is just one more question the McCain campaign won't let her answer."

Courtesy of Ken Rasak and Newsday.com

Punchlines

2008-10-09T21:23:00.001-04:00

Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show," on Tuesday's presidential debate: "The town-hall format is John McCain's favorite, as opposed to Barack Obama's favorite way - Sermon on the Mount."

David Letterman, "Late Show with David Letterman": "Are you excited about Sarah Palin? Well, yesterday she referred to Afghanistan as our neighboring country. Apparently, she can see bin Laden's cave from her house."

Bill Maher, "Real Time with Bill Maher": "Even though (Palin) did well in the debate last (week), McCain is still sinking in the polls. He's getting desperate. His new campaign slogan is, 'McCain: The White Obama.'"

Comedy writer Janice Hough: "John McCain pulled his campaign out of Michigan last week. So much for all those nay-sayers who claim he doesn't have an exit strategy."

Seth Meyers, "Saturday Night Live": "The House on Friday passed the $700 billion Wall Street bailout package. President Bush then signed the bill into law after consulting with his economic advisers, M.C. Hammer, Ed McMahon and Willie Nelson."

Comedy writer Jim Barach: "President Bush says that the economic bailout saved the country from painful and lasting damage. In other words, his legacy."

Comedy writer Doug Austen: "Bruce Springsteen and Billy Joel are teaming up for a concert to benefit Barack Obama. Tickets start at $500. Unfortunately, at those prices only Republicans can afford to attend."

Courtesy of Ken Rasak and Newsday.com

Size Matters

2008-10-03T10:09:00.003-04:00

I saw this picture on the Consumerist.com and got a kick out of it...

Punchlines

2008-10-02T10:07:00.001-04:00

Comedy writer Pedro Bartes: "The nationally televised debate last week between U.S. presidential contenders drew 52.4 million U.S. viewers. The second debate is expected to do worse, not because of lack of interest, but rather because by that time most Americans will have been forced to pawn their TV sets due to the economy."

Comedy writer Alan Ray: "The vice presidential debate is tonight. The format is 90 minutes, or as Joe Biden refers to it, 'my opening monologue.'"

Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show": "Hugh Hefner has asked Sarah Palin to pose naked for Playboy. Because right now she's busy posing as a vice-presidential candidate."

Amy Poehler, "Saturday Night Live": "A farmer in Ohio has carved a corn maze in his field in the likeness of Sarah Palin. The way it works? You enter and suddenly realize you're way over your head."

Comedy writer Jake Novak: "New York City Mayor Mike Bloomberg wants to run for a third term in defiance of local term limit laws. Bloomberg would go back to his old job, but even he can't find a job on Wall Street anymore."

Comedy writer Jim Barach: "Delinquent auto loans are now on the rise due to the mortgage crisis. Mostly because for many American families, the auto loan has become their mortgage payment."

Courtesy of Ken Rasak and Newsday.com

Punchlines

2008-09-25T10:05:00.001-04:00

Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show": "Financial experts are saying we are entering a new chapter in the American economy. I believe it's Chapter 11."

Bill Maher, "Real Time with Bill Maher": "The federal government announced a plan to spend a trillion of taxpayer dollars to buy out bad mortgages and debt. Wall Street was surprisingly enthusiastic about the plan. ... It was either that, or Sarah Palin's idea to sell it all on eBay."

Comedy writer Janice Hough: "Both Yankee Stadium and Shea Stadium will be demolished piece by piece, as New York law prohibits large scale implosions. Unfortunately, someone forgot to tell Wall Street."

Comedy writer Doug Austen: "Sarah Palin spoke at a retirement community in Florida. Palin knows how to play to a crowd. She promised to keep terrorists out of America and off our lawns."

Comedy writer Jake Novak: "As stocks continue to crash, oil prices are posting record gains the last few days. It's not clear if this is about supply and demand, or because all the former Wall Street investment bankers are now working as gas station attendants."

Comedy writer Alan Ray: "Magician David Blaine is trying to hang upside down in New York's Central Park for 60 hours. This is an attempt to do something no one else has ever accomplished - getting the locals to look up."

Courtesy of Ken Rasak and Newsday.com

Punchlines

2008-09-18T10:01:00.002-04:00

Comedy writer Pedro Bartes: "Sarah Palin is now under criticism for having a tanning bed installed in the governor's mansion. The governor claims she did it because she wanted to understand people of color."

Comedy writer Alan Ray: "Sarah Palin is learning the difference between the political world and the Pentecostal world. In both you speak in tongues, but in D.C. they're forked."

Craig Ferguson, The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: "This weekend, Karl Rove said John McCain's attack ads have gone too far. When Karl Rove says you've gone too far, that's like Mel Gibson saying you've had too much to drink."

Comedy writer Jim Barach: "A study says that traces of drugs in drinking water could affect as many as 46 million Americans. That's the same number of people in this country without health insurance. If we could just get those drugs to the right people, the health care crisis would be solved."

Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show": "Experts say we're going through what's known as a lock, stock and barrel financial phase. ... People are locked out of their homes, their stocks are worthless, and the oil companies have us over a barrel."

Comedy writer Matt Passet: "New Yorkers are now being encouraged by the NYPD, if you witness a crime, to take a picture of it with your cell phone and send it to them. Witnesses are being asked to make sure they hit the 'send' button before they hand their cell phone over to the mugger."

Courtesy of Ken Rasak and Newsday.com

Punchlines

2008-09-11T09:59:00.001-04:00

Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show": "The government is spending $200 billion to bail out Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. Unemployment (is at a) five-year high. Foreclosures are at a 19-year high. This means the Democrats are going to have to work extra hard over the next eight weeks to blow this election."

Comedy writer Pedro Bartes: "Republican Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin is trying to convince people she's the right person to boost an ill economy. She said there's no reason for the U.S. to have a bear market when you can just take a shotgun into the woods and kill them for free."

Comedy writer Janice Hough: "After the first game of the season, New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady is out for the year. This might be the most crushing single performance since Rudy Giuliani in the Florida primary."

Comedy writer Jim Barach: "A New York club offers high-end car owners the ability to drive their cars as fast as they want for a membership fee of $125,000. Drivers who normally take the Long Island Expressway are amazed at the feel of being able to actually sit at the wheel of a car going faster than 15 mph."

Comedy writer Alan Ray: "The robbery-kidnapping trial of O.J. Simpson has begun. His plea bargain with prosecutors failed. He vowed to devote his life to finding the real armed bandits."

Courtesy of Ken Rasak and Newsday.com

Punchlines

2008-09-03T09:57:00.001-04:00

Bill Maher, "Real Time with Bill Maher": "Thirty-eight million people watched Barack Obama at the stadium in Denver. There were 84,000 full-throated supporters who turned out there at the field. The Republicans fired back today. They say, 'We can also fill a stadium with thousands of screaming people. For example, the Superdome during Hurricane Katrina.'"

Comedy writer Alan Ray: "President Bush won't attend the Republican convention. Rather, he'll stay at the White House to monitor the impending disaster - the last four months of his White House."

Comedy writer Janice Hough: "John McCain chose Governor Sarah Palin of Alaska as his running mate. Among her other talents, Palin is an avid hunter. Let's see, a vice president who likes to shoot guns. What could possibly go wrong?"

Stephen Colbert, "The Colbert Report": "A lot of people are saying Sarah Palin is being used as a cheap political ploy. That is such petty cynicism. This is historic. For the first time in America a woman has reached the highest levels of being used as a cheap political ploy."

Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show": "Palin and McCain are a good pair. She's pro-life and he's clinging to life."

Courtesy of Ken Rasak and Newsday.com

Punchlines

2008-08-27T18:48:00.001-04:00

David Letterman, "Late Show with David Letterman": "The theme of the Democratic convention is 'unity.' Unfortunately, they can't agree on how that works."

Comedy writer Jake Novak: "Hillary Clinton has released her delegates to vote for Barack Obama. Too bad they're all voting for John McCain."

Comedy writer Pedro Bartes on the short film about Clinton that aired before her speech: "Apparently the film was called, 'The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pantsuit.'"

Letterman on Barack Obama choosing Joe Biden as his running mate: "Yeah, nothing says change like a guy who's been in the Senate for 35 years."

Jay Leno on Republicans citing health concerns over Biden's brain aneurysms: "You can't expect every vice president to be the picture of health like Dick Cheney."

Conan O'Brien, "Late Night with Conan O'Brien": "Thursday Barack Obama's going to give his acceptance speech. Reportedly it will include performances by Bon Jovi and Bruce Springsteen. And they say Obama's not black enough."

From Letterman's Top Ten Ways to Make the Democratic National Convention More Fun: "Try to squeeze Al Gore into the same suit he wore at the 2000 convention."

Comedy writer Janice Hough: "This spring when John McCain launched his campaign tour of the 'forgotten places' in America, who knew he was talking about his houses?"

Courtesy of Ken Rasak and Newsday.com

Punchlines

2008-08-21T18:46:00.001-04:00

Craig Ferguson, "The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson": "Police in Denver are getting ready for the Democratic Convention in Denver. They're ordering the stun guns, the barbed wire, the plastic handcuffs - and that's just for Bill Clinton's room."

Stephen Colbert, "The Colbert Report": "Congressional Quarterly reported this week that John McCain may have copied some facts in a recent speech on the Georgian crisis from Wikipedia. I think it should have been obvious when he referred to the country's leader as 'President 404 Error: File Not Found.'"

Comedy writer Janice Hough: "Hard to believe with all the time and money invested in the Olympics, that by the end of August they will be over. Just like the Yankees."

Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg: "President Bush met Michael Phelps at the Olympics and touched his gold medal. There was an embarrassing moment when Bush suggested he should have it bronzed."

Comedy writer Jim Barach: "Olympic Champion Michael Phelps says he eats 12,000 calories a day. This means that nearly every American can say they have the same diet as an Olympic gold medalist."

Michael Feldman, public radio's "Whad'Ya Know?": "The Chinese government gets the gymnasts' gold medals, the girls have to settle for gummi bears."

Courtesy of Ken Rasak and Newsday.com

Punchlines

2008-08-14T18:45:00.001-04:00

Comedy writer Alan Ray: "Russia has attacked Georgia. President Bush is monitoring the situation. If need be, he's prepared to send troops to Atlanta."

Comedy writer Janice Hough: "Bill Clinton has been causing more controversy by still refusing to say that Barack Obama is ready for the White House. Although after last week, he does say that he now feels John Edwards is ready."

Ray on Brett Favre joining the New York Jets: "His new teammates can tell the QB is much older than they are. That orange drink he's consuming isn't Gatorade. It's Metamucil."

Comedy writer Jim Barach: "An Illinois inpatient facility is going to treat people who have an Internet addiction. As a special promotion, they're offering a special discount to any patients who sign up online."

David Letterman, "Late Show with David Letterman": "President Bush arrived in Beijing earlier today. And before stepping out of the plane, he tested the air with a canary."

Jimmy Kimmel, "Jimmy Kimmel Live": "President Bush has become the first sitting U.S. president to attend the Olympics in a foreign country. He said he's been looking forward to it ever since he learned that in China people are not allowed to make fun of political leaders."

Courtesy of Ken Rasak and Newsday.com

Punchlines

2008-08-07T15:00:00.002-04:00

Craig Ferguson, "The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson": "President Bush arrived in South Korea today, and they had to use water cannons to push back the protesters. This shows you the change in times. When Bill Clinton visited there, they used the same water cannons for the wet T-shirt contest."

Conan O'Brien, "Late Night with Conan O'Brien": "The moderators were announced for the upcoming presidential debates. Barack Obama insisted on someone who asks evenhanded questions, while John McCain insisted on someone who will talk into his good ear."

Comedy writer Alan Ray: "The Olympics begin in Beijing on Friday. The great thing about these games is there are no heavy favorites. In fact, the only thing locked up in China right now is the Tibetan delegation."

Comedy writer Jim Barach: "Kansas Senator Sam Brownback says China will spy on Olympic visitors, including journalists and human rights activists. To which President Bush said, 'Since when do you need an Olympics to do that?'"

Comedy writer Jake Novak: "Police are seeing a new crime trend as thieves are skimming drivers' credit card data at fuel pumps. So now every time you fill up, you're probably getting robbed twice."

Barach on a study which says living with a spouse lowers the risk of developing Alzheimer's disease: "For men, that's true. Mostly because their wives never let them forget anything they've ever done wrong."

Courtesy of Ken Rasak and Newsday.com

I'm Running For President!

2008-08-05T12:37:00.002-04:00

Credit Card Signatures & Receipts for Return

2008-08-03T16:08:00.005-04:00

For those of you who want to skip reading this, it is going to be me ranting for a bit ;)

This is the 21st century. Not only can we send a man to the moon, but we have an entire space station currently floating around the planet. If you want to talk to someone on the other side of the planet, you can pick up the phone and be connected instantaneously (or even better yet, message them via our global computer network). And if you need to buy something, you can shop at hundreds of thousands of virtual stores right from the comfort of your own home.

And yet, even though we live in this incredibly progressive and modern world, there are still some things that seem stuck in the past. If you walk into a store to buy something (whether it be a DVD player, groceries, or some flowers for your significant other) and pay with a credit card, you have to sign for your purchase. Not that this does anything at all to stop or prevent credit card fraud. In fact, as far as I can tell, there is really absolutely no valid reason to have to sign for your credit or debit card purchases anymore. You don't have to do it when purchasing online, so why do you have to do it in the store? Maybe once out of a zillion times they check it against the back of the credit card, but even then it does nothing since criminals can actually reproduce valid credit cards with other people's account numbers and sign the "fake" cards themselves (or a million other ways around this validation which hardly ever occurs anyway).

But even more annoying than having to sign for purchases, is the whole receipt and return policy that most stores have. If, god forbid, you lose that little piece of paper that they give you when you check out (not even a photocopy will do in most cases), you are pretty much out of luck for any kind of return (and I'm not just talking about returns where you just don't want the item, but even returns where the item is defective or you were misled into purchasing the item by a sales associate). And for those few stores that will accept a return without a receipt, usually they only give you store credit and not your hard earned money back (and even then, the store credit is what the item is selling for today, not necessarily what you paid for it - of course, if the item is selling for more than you originally paid for it, somehow I imagine the store is not going to give you additional store credit).

Large stores and chains (and even small ones) spend a large amount of money on their computerized sales and purchasing systems. So I imagine that, if they really wanted to, they could easily look up your purchase if you didn't have a receipt (simply by the bar code on the item or your credit card number) and easily validate a return that way. Of course, that would be too easy!

Online purchasing has it right, so why can't stores follow suit. First, you don't have to sign anything. You still have to validate the credit card is yours (in a much better manner - by providing your billing address, name on card, security code on card, etc.), but since a signature is a worthless security check and technologically hard to do with online purchases, it's not required. Second, a receipt is emailed to you (and/or can be printed out), but in most cases it isn't required to return something since they can just look you up in their system to validate the return and immediately accept it back and return your money. I for one am making more and more purchases online and less and less purchases in stores, not only because I can usually get a better deal online, but also because there are a lot less hassles with purchasing online (I can do it from my computer wherever I am, I don't have to sign some stupid paper, and I don't have to worry about losing my receipt and not being able to return whatever it is I'm buying).

I know I'm not alone in thinking that the whole credit card signature and return receipt policies that most stores have are ridiculous, but unfortunately, it seems everyone is just willing to accept them as a necessary evil. I wish more people would speak out about how backwards and obsolete these policies are and maybe we could actually get them changed and bring them into the 21st century.

Punchlines

2008-07-31T16:22:00.001-04:00

Conan O'Brien, "Late Night with Conan O'Brien": "Barack Obama announced that next month he wants to spend a week on vacation in Hawaii. After hearing about it, President Bush said, 'I can't believe he's taking another trip to a foreign country.'"

Comedy writer Janice Hough: "The Obamas revealed in an interview that they give their daughters $1 allowance a week. Curiously enough, it's the same amount the girls will probably get when they are eligible for Social Security."

Comedy writer Jim Barach: "A proposed New York law seeks to restrict violent video games. The state says it wants to keep violence where it belongs - on the streets and in the parks."

Comedy writer Doug Austen: "The director of the University of Pittsburgh Cancer Institute has issued a warning to his faculty and staff: Limit cell phone use because of the possible risk of cancer. That's a long way to go just to keep faculty and staff from calling you."

David Letterman, "Late Show with David Letterman": "Everybody going to the Olympics is concerned about the air quality in China. A lot of smog. Friends over there tell me that the air in China looks like the air in Willie Nelson's tour bus."

Comedy writer Jake Novak: "Cheech & Chong have announced they are getting back together. The plot of their new film will again be about two guys from L.A. looking for drugs, but this time it's cheaper prescription drugs from Canada."

Courtesy of Ken Rasak and Newsday.com

Punchlines

2008-07-24T10:53:00.001-04:00

Comedy writer Janice Hough: "John McCain says that Barack Obama could only make his trip to Iraq now because the surge is making it safe for him to be there. Almost as safe as it would have been for him to travel there before we invaded in the first place?"

Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show": "Barack Obama is in Afghanistan. Bill Clinton went with him. At least that's what he told Hillary."

Conan O'Brien, "Late Night with Conan O'Brien": "Yesterday, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi referred to President Bush's time in office as 'a total failure.' Bush defended himself, saying, 'Oh come on, I hardly spent any time in my office.'"

Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg: "It was so hot in Washington, Jesse Jackson went to the Barack Obama campaign headquarters just for the cold stares."

Comedy writer Jim Barach: "Billy Joel closed out Shea Stadium with a special appearance from Paul McCartney. The audience got to enjoy more hits than Mets fans have seen in the past three seasons."

Comedy writer Doug Austen: "When asked if he saw 'The Dark Knight' President Bush replied that he hadn't seen Dick Cheney all weekend."

Leno on the Reuters-Zogby poll that says 10 percent of Americans are giving President Bush's economic policy the thumbs up: "The other 90 percent are using a different finger."

Courtesy of Ken Rasak and Newsday.com

Punchlines

2008-07-17T23:15:00.001-04:00

Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show": "President Bush signed a bill giving phone companies immunity for letting the government spy on its customers without a warrant. Isn't that unbelievable? President Bush said 9/11 changed everything. And you know, he's right, because violating the Constitution and breaking the law used to mean jail time."

Comedy writer Pedro Bartes: "According to a recent study, a great number of Mexicans are returning to their country because of the economic recession in the U.S. Maybe this was Bush's plan all along against illegal immigration - just run the economy down and wait for them to leave?"

Conan O'Brien, "Late Night with Conan O'Brien": "Today's New York Times has once again raised the issue that John McCain may not be eligible to be president because he is not a natural born U.S. citizen. Apparently, McCain was born outside of the 13 colonies."

Comedy writer Jim Barach: "The White House has rejected a plan to regulate greenhouse gases, saying it could cripple the U.S. economy. And if there is anything the Bush administration knows about, it's crippling the economy."

O'Brien on Barack Obama appearing at a fundraiser with Hillary Clinton and telling the audience "Hillary rocks": "Then Bill Clinton said the same thing, but he was talking about Hilary Duff."

David Letterman, "Late Show with David Letterman," on Vice President Cheney's recent checkup: "During the procedure he waterboarded a nurse."

Courtesy of Ken Rasak and Newsday.com

Punchlines

2008-07-10T23:12:00.001-04:00

Conan O'Brien, "Late Night with Conan O'Brien": "The Democratic Convention is being held at a 20,000- seat arena in Denver, but Barack Obama has decided to give his acceptance speech at Denver's 80,000-seat football stadium. Meanwhile, Ralph Nader will be giving his acceptance speech at a Foot Locker."

Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show": "Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton met last week in Unity, New Hampshire, to campaign together. That shows you what a great country it is. Only in America could a woman who married a man from Hope go to a town called Unity and fake something called sincerity!"

Comedy writer Janice Hough: "Howard Wolfson, a close friend of Hillary Rodham Clinton, is joining Fox News Channel as a Democratic analyst. Isn't being a Democratic analyst for Fox like being a librarian for the Bush White House?"

O'Brien on Yankee slugger Alex Rodriguez and his wife filing for divorce: "Because New York is a community property state, Cynthia could end up with 268 career home runs."

Comedy writer Pedro Bartes on the man arrested at LAX after claiming to have a bomb in his backpack: "No explosives were found, but officials said he was apparently carrying a pirated copy of 'The Love Guru.'"

Comedy writer Doug Austen on Matthew McConaughey's Brazilian girlfriend giving birth to a boy: "He greeted the world just like his father - shirtless."

Courtesy of Ken Rasak and Newsday.com

Punchlines

2008-07-03T14:12:00.001-04:00

Stephen Colbert, "The Colbert Report," on the Supreme Court's decision overturning Washington, D.C.'s ban on handguns: "Writing for the majority, Justice Antonin Scalia said, 'It is not the role of this court to pronounce the Second Amendment extinct.' He is right. Killing the Constitution is the president's job. The court's job is to overturn elections."

Comedy writer Patrick Gorse: "Barack Obama announced on Tuesday that he supports federally funded faith-based initiatives. This is kind of self-serving when you consider that supporting a one-term Senator for president is itself a faith-based initiative."

Comedy writer Jim Barach: "Hillary Clinton has gone back to work in the Senate. She had to settle for a lesser job than what she wanted and is $22 million in debt. So basically, she is just another average American."

Jimmy Kimmel, "Jimmy Kimmel Live": "The latest Bloomberg poll shows Obama has a 15-point lead over John McCain. That's a big lead. He leads in men and women, and young people and minorities. I think the only place that McCain is beating Obama is in calcium deposits right now."

Comedy writer Jake Novak: "Wal-Mart is planning to change its logo, opting for what it calls a more 'authentic design.' Of course, the most authentic logo would have to be in Chinese."

Comedy writer Alan Ray: "'Hancock' is out in theaters now. A disgruntled super hero causes damage throughout Los Angeles. He should never accept rides from Lindsay Lohan."

Courtesy of Ken Rasak and Newsday.com

Punchlines

2008-06-26T23:33:00.000-04:00

Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show": "President Bush went to Iowa today. ... Of course, people from Iowa were a little confused. They weren't sure which disaster President Bush was talking about - the floods or his presidency."

David Letterman, "Late Show with David Letterman": "Al Gore has endorsed Barack Obama for president. How about that? Political experts say this is great, because it gives the Obama campaign a much-needed shot of boredom."

Comedy writer Doug Austen: "Hillary Clinton had promised the daughter of a supporter, when the girl was in eighth grade, that she would attend her high school graduation. On Sunday, Clinton fulfilled the pledge and spoke at the girl's graduation. This is a switch - usually it's Bill Clinton who makes promises to young girls."

Comedy writer Jake Novak: "Former President Bill Clinton now says he is willing to do whatever he can to help Barack Obama become president, so the Obama team is asking him to campaign for John McCain."

Comedy writer Alan Ray: "The Hula Hoop turns 50. It's not as popular as it once was. Nowadays, if a person wants the sensation of plastic spinning out of control they get a credit card."

Novak on the death of comedian George Carlin: "He is currently doing a set in Heaven convincing God that He doesn't really exist."

Courtesy of Ken Rasak and Newsday.com

Punchlines

2008-06-19T23:31:00.001-04:00

Jon Stewart, "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart": "With Barack Obama and John McCain hogging the front pages in the United States, President Bush decided to get out of town and take a quick trip to Europe. Making him one of the only Americans who can still afford a trip to Europe."

Comedy writer Pedro Bartes: "President Bush has enlisted British Special Forces in a final attempt to capture Osama bin Laden. Apparently, the president wants to ask Bin Laden about good places to hide because he might need them after he leaves office."

Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show": "Congressman Anthony Wiener of New York ... has introduced a bill that will grant immigrant status ... to supermodels that want to come here. Well, I have never been prouder to be an American. Of course, the nice thing about bringing these foreign supermodels here, you don't have to worry about them taking food out of American mouths."

Comedy writer Alan Ray: "'The Incredible Hulk' is in theaters. The big green monster must rescue New York City from annihilation. The only ones who are safe are the Yankees, because they're in the basement."

Comedy writer Jim Barach on Madonna's 47-year-old brother's new tell-all book: "It's called 'Did You Know Madonna Has a Brother?'"

Courtesy of Ken Rasak and Newsday.com