Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show": "On CNN, they brought in an expert on Iraqi culture, and he said, 'Let me clarify what happened here.' He said, 'In the Arab world, throwing your shoes at someone's head is considered an insult.' Oh, really? As opposed to here in America, where it's a huge compliment."
Comedy writer Jim Barach: "Unemployment claims are at their highest level since 1982. Finally, President Bush is getting his wish of being compared to Ronald Reagan."
Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg: "Bernard Madoff scammed $50 billion from his investors. Shouldn't the first clue have been that his last name is pronounced 'Made Off'?"
Comedy writer Janice Hough on Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich: "For the good old days, when prison inmates wrote letters asking, 'Pardon me, governor?' Now they are more likely to ask, 'Pardon me, weren't you the governor?'"
Michael Feldman, public radio's "Whad'Ya Know?": "Britain says it will be out of Iraq in three months, but they said the same thing about Ireland."
Note from Ken Rasak: This is the final weekly column for Punchlines. I'm grateful to every single person who's ever sent me a joke in the hopes of seeing it in print, since there'd be no column without your generosity. And thanks to everyone who has read Punchlines hoping to get a laugh out of the day's events. I will miss you all.
Comedy writer Pedro Bartes: "The unemploy- ment rate has risen to 6.7 percent in November. It made President Bush really happy until he learned it wasn't his approval rating."
Comedy writer Janice Hough: "President Bush has been taking some criticism for all of the species he has tried to take off the endanger-ed species list. In his defense, think of all those he has added - like the middle class."
Comedy writer Jim Barach: "A government auditor says there has not been enough oversight for the financial bailout. Of course, if there was any government oversight we wouldn't need the bailout in the first place."
Comedy writer Alan Ray: "New York Congressman Vito Fossella will spend 5 days in jail for drunk driving. He will be among thugs, con men, and other lowlifes. And once he leaves Capitol Hill, it's on to prison."
Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg: "What's the difference between Jay Leno and President Bush? Leno has a job next year."
Conan O'Brien, "Late Night with Conan O'Brien": "Paris Hilton is lobbying to play Tinkerbell in a new movie version of Peter Pan. In the Paris Hilton version, Tinkerbell would spread pixie dust as well as a troublesome rash."
Comedy writer Jim Barach: "The federal government is warning of a terror plot in New York City involving the subways. They warn that people should be aware of the potential for toxic gases. No word yet on what to look for in the event of a terrorist attack."
Comedy writer Janice Hough: "President Bush said last weekend that he wants history to see him as a 'liberator of millions.' For starters, he liberated millions of Americans from the Republican party."
David Letterman, "Late Show with David Letterman": "During the transition, President Bush is busy granting pardons. Today he pardoned Sarah Palin for her interview with Katie Couric."
Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show," on the lighting of the White House Christmas tree: "(It) has over 25,000 lights on it - one light for every CEO that's looking for a bailout."
Comedy writer Matt Passet: "MTV announced that it will be throwing one of the inaugural balls for Barack Obama. Because you just don't feel like the president until you're congratulated by Downtown Julie Brown."
Comedy writer Jerry Perisho: "New York Giants receiver Plaxico Burress was suspended for four games after he accidentally shot himself in the leg over the weekend at a Manhattan nightclub. His career as an NFL receiver may be over, but his career as a rapper is just beginning."
