Comedy writer Pedro Bartes: "Alaska Governor Sarah Palin conducted a TV interview while turkeys were being slaughtered in the background. She plans to do that at every press conference now because for the first time nobody paid attention to what she said."
Comedy writer Matt Passet: "President Bush announced this week that he is opting to leave half of the $700 billion bailout money to President Obama to use at his discretion. Feeling generous, Bush has also opted to leave Obama with two wars and a national energy crisis."
Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show": "The Obama transition team has leaked that his top choice for homeland security chief is Arizona Governor Janet Napolitano. Her first job? Find out who leaked her name."
Comedy writer Alan Ray: "How is a Macy's parade float different from a Wall Street bank? The float won't deflate quite as fast."
Comedy writer Jerry Perisho: "Delta Airlines has announced that it is the official airline of the New York Yankees. So next season when the Yankees implode, oxygen masks will drop down for season ticketholders."
Comedy writer Janice Hough: "Congressional Democrats said they were wary of just handing out money to automakers, and Nancy Pelosi said that 'until they show us the plan we cannot show them the money.' Too bad we can't pay our taxes the same way."
Comedy writer Pedro Bartes: "Mark Cuban was charged with insider trading for selling shares of the company Mamma.com, the Securities and Exchange Commission said Monday. I always knew that he was the kind of guy that would even sell his own Mamma to make a quick buck."
Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show": "President-elect Barack Obama is still looking for a new White House dog. The search is on. In fact, do you realize he has spent more time selecting a dog than John McCain did selecting a running mate?"
Comedy writer Alan Ray: "Barack Obama has invited his mother-in-law to live with him in the White House. This proves once and for all he's not a socialist. He's actually a masochist."
Comedy writer Jim Barach: "A poll says that 72 percent of Americans say that Barack Obama will fix the economy. The other 28 percent couldn't be reached because they no longer have a house, phone or computer."
Comedy writer Janice Hough: "In 1841, William Henry Harrison gave the longest inauguration speech in history, almost two hours, in bitter cold weather. He caught pneumonia and died a month later. Luckily for Joe Biden, there's no inaugural speech for the Vice President."
Comedy writer Jake Novak on Yahoo CEO Jerry Yang stepping down: "The company is doing so badly, it's conducting its search for a new CEO on Google."
Barach on a study that says sports fans engage in risky health behavior: "Like eating hot dogs at Giants Stadium."
Comedy writer Jake Novak: "Republicans are looking at the bright side after their big losses last night. The Democrats didn't get 60 Senate seats, Obama did not get 400 electoral votes, and now that he's vice president, no one will ever have to listen to Joe Biden ever again."
Conan O'Brien, "Late Night with Conan O'Brien": "This weekend at a John McCain rally, Arnold Schwarzenegger said that Barack Obama needs to exercise more because his legs are too skinny. Then he said: 'Now behold - the awesome physical specimen that is John McCain!'"
Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show": "Sarah Palin told a crowd ... [that] when she campaigns, she doesn't wear her wedding ring because the shape of it hurts her finger when she's shaking a lot of hands. And Bill said to Hillary, 'See! I told you I wasn't making it up.'"
David Letterman, "Late Show with David Letterman": "Alaska Sen. Ted Stevens has been convicted on seven counts of fraud and corruption. And Republicans are relieved, because at least it didn't involve an airport men's room."
Comedy writer Matt Passett: "A lot of people who lost their Wall Street jobs are now looking to get jobs with nonprofits. If they want to work for a nonprofit, they should consider a job with a bank."
Comedy writer Pedro Bartes on Joe the Plumber deciding against recording a country album: "Ironically, he didn't have the pipes."
This is an interesting commercial - I never really got it until recently (or at least think I got it until recently). The cavemen in these commercials are actually all relatively intelligent, but Geico constantly talks about them as being stupid - and so its in Geico's best interest (in the fictional world of these commercials) for them to actually come across as stupid. So I think this commercial is actually presenting the caveman as winning, but Geico is "fixing" the match so that he's losing really badly - this is why he quits when he realizes it's a Geico-sponsored event and they're cheating to make him look like he's losing. The only thing that doesn't make sense is why the caveman didn't realize at first that it was a Geico-sponsored event since their signs are all over. Maybe he was just so into the match (and the fact that he was beating Billie Jean King). Still - it's a funny commercial.
