Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show": "Financial experts are saying we are entering a new chapter in the American economy. I believe it's Chapter 11."
Bill Maher, "Real Time with Bill Maher": "The federal government announced a plan to spend a trillion of taxpayer dollars to buy out bad mortgages and debt. Wall Street was surprisingly enthusiastic about the plan. ... It was either that, or Sarah Palin's idea to sell it all on eBay."
Comedy writer Janice Hough: "Both Yankee Stadium and Shea Stadium will be demolished piece by piece, as New York law prohibits large scale implosions. Unfortunately, someone forgot to tell Wall Street."
Comedy writer Doug Austen: "Sarah Palin spoke at a retirement community in Florida. Palin knows how to play to a crowd. She promised to keep terrorists out of America and off our lawns."
Comedy writer Jake Novak: "As stocks continue to crash, oil prices are posting record gains the last few days. It's not clear if this is about supply and demand, or because all the former Wall Street investment bankers are now working as gas station attendants."
Comedy writer Alan Ray: "Magician David Blaine is trying to hang upside down in New York's Central Park for 60 hours. This is an attempt to do something no one else has ever accomplished - getting the locals to look up."
Comedy writer Pedro Bartes: "Sarah Palin is now under criticism for having a tanning bed installed in the governor's mansion. The governor claims she did it because she wanted to understand people of color."
Comedy writer Alan Ray: "Sarah Palin is learning the difference between the political world and the Pentecostal world. In both you speak in tongues, but in D.C. they're forked."
Craig Ferguson, The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson: "This weekend, Karl Rove said John McCain's attack ads have gone too far. When Karl Rove says you've gone too far, that's like Mel Gibson saying you've had too much to drink."
Comedy writer Jim Barach: "A study says that traces of drugs in drinking water could affect as many as 46 million Americans. That's the same number of people in this country without health insurance. If we could just get those drugs to the right people, the health care crisis would be solved."
Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show": "Experts say we're going through what's known as a lock, stock and barrel financial phase. ... People are locked out of their homes, their stocks are worthless, and the oil companies have us over a barrel."
Comedy writer Matt Passet: "New Yorkers are now being encouraged by the NYPD, if you witness a crime, to take a picture of it with your cell phone and send it to them. Witnesses are being asked to make sure they hit the 'send' button before they hand their cell phone over to the mugger."
Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show": "The government is spending $200 billion to bail out Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. Unemployment (is at a) five-year high. Foreclosures are at a 19-year high. This means the Democrats are going to have to work extra hard over the next eight weeks to blow this election."
Comedy writer Pedro Bartes: "Republican Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin is trying to convince people she's the right person to boost an ill economy. She said there's no reason for the U.S. to have a bear market when you can just take a shotgun into the woods and kill them for free."
Comedy writer Janice Hough: "After the first game of the season, New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady is out for the year. This might be the most crushing single performance since Rudy Giuliani in the Florida primary."
Comedy writer Jim Barach: "A New York club offers high-end car owners the ability to drive their cars as fast as they want for a membership fee of $125,000. Drivers who normally take the Long Island Expressway are amazed at the feel of being able to actually sit at the wheel of a car going faster than 15 mph."
Comedy writer Alan Ray: "The robbery-kidnapping trial of O.J. Simpson has begun. His plea bargain with prosecutors failed. He vowed to devote his life to finding the real armed bandits."
Bill Maher, "Real Time with Bill Maher": "Thirty-eight million people watched Barack Obama at the stadium in Denver. There were 84,000 full-throated supporters who turned out there at the field. The Republicans fired back today. They say, 'We can also fill a stadium with thousands of screaming people. For example, the Superdome during Hurricane Katrina.'"
Comedy writer Alan Ray: "President Bush won't attend the Republican convention. Rather, he'll stay at the White House to monitor the impending disaster - the last four months of his White House."
Comedy writer Janice Hough: "John McCain chose Governor Sarah Palin of Alaska as his running mate. Among her other talents, Palin is an avid hunter. Let's see, a vice president who likes to shoot guns. What could possibly go wrong?"
Stephen Colbert, "The Colbert Report": "A lot of people are saying Sarah Palin is being used as a cheap political ploy. That is such petty cynicism. This is historic. For the first time in America a woman has reached the highest levels of being used as a cheap political ploy."
Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show": "Palin and McCain are a good pair. She's pro-life and he's clinging to life."
