Conan O'Brien, "Late Night with Conan O'Brien": "Barack Obama announced that next month he wants to spend a week on vacation in Hawaii. After hearing about it, President Bush said, 'I can't believe he's taking another trip to a foreign country.'"
Comedy writer Janice Hough: "The Obamas revealed in an interview that they give their daughters $1 allowance a week. Curiously enough, it's the same amount the girls will probably get when they are eligible for Social Security."
Comedy writer Jim Barach: "A proposed New York law seeks to restrict violent video games. The state says it wants to keep violence where it belongs - on the streets and in the parks."
Comedy writer Doug Austen: "The director of the University of Pittsburgh Cancer Institute has issued a warning to his faculty and staff: Limit cell phone use because of the possible risk of cancer. That's a long way to go just to keep faculty and staff from calling you."
David Letterman, "Late Show with David Letterman": "Everybody going to the Olympics is concerned about the air quality in China. A lot of smog. Friends over there tell me that the air in China looks like the air in Willie Nelson's tour bus."
Comedy writer Jake Novak: "Cheech & Chong have announced they are getting back together. The plot of their new film will again be about two guys from L.A. looking for drugs, but this time it's cheaper prescription drugs from Canada."
Comedy writer Janice Hough: "John McCain says that Barack Obama could only make his trip to Iraq now because the surge is making it safe for him to be there. Almost as safe as it would have been for him to travel there before we invaded in the first place?"
Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show": "Barack Obama is in Afghanistan. Bill Clinton went with him. At least that's what he told Hillary."
Conan O'Brien, "Late Night with Conan O'Brien": "Yesterday, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi referred to President Bush's time in office as 'a total failure.' Bush defended himself, saying, 'Oh come on, I hardly spent any time in my office.'"
Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg: "It was so hot in Washington, Jesse Jackson went to the Barack Obama campaign headquarters just for the cold stares."
Comedy writer Jim Barach: "Billy Joel closed out Shea Stadium with a special appearance from Paul McCartney. The audience got to enjoy more hits than Mets fans have seen in the past three seasons."
Comedy writer Doug Austen: "When asked if he saw 'The Dark Knight' President Bush replied that he hadn't seen Dick Cheney all weekend."
Leno on the Reuters-Zogby poll that says 10 percent of Americans are giving President Bush's economic policy the thumbs up: "The other 90 percent are using a different finger."
Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show": "President Bush signed a bill giving phone companies immunity for letting the government spy on its customers without a warrant. Isn't that unbelievable? President Bush said 9/11 changed everything. And you know, he's right, because violating the Constitution and breaking the law used to mean jail time."
Comedy writer Pedro Bartes: "According to a recent study, a great number of Mexicans are returning to their country because of the economic recession in the U.S. Maybe this was Bush's plan all along against illegal immigration - just run the economy down and wait for them to leave?"
Conan O'Brien, "Late Night with Conan O'Brien": "Today's New York Times has once again raised the issue that John McCain may not be eligible to be president because he is not a natural born U.S. citizen. Apparently, McCain was born outside of the 13 colonies."
Comedy writer Jim Barach: "The White House has rejected a plan to regulate greenhouse gases, saying it could cripple the U.S. economy. And if there is anything the Bush administration knows about, it's crippling the economy."
O'Brien on Barack Obama appearing at a fundraiser with Hillary Clinton and telling the audience "Hillary rocks": "Then Bill Clinton said the same thing, but he was talking about Hilary Duff."
David Letterman, "Late Show with David Letterman," on Vice President Cheney's recent checkup: "During the procedure he waterboarded a nurse."
Conan O'Brien, "Late Night with Conan O'Brien": "The Democratic Convention is being held at a 20,000- seat arena in Denver, but Barack Obama has decided to give his acceptance speech at Denver's 80,000-seat football stadium. Meanwhile, Ralph Nader will be giving his acceptance speech at a Foot Locker."
Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show": "Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton met last week in Unity, New Hampshire, to campaign together. That shows you what a great country it is. Only in America could a woman who married a man from Hope go to a town called Unity and fake something called sincerity!"
Comedy writer Janice Hough: "Howard Wolfson, a close friend of Hillary Rodham Clinton, is joining Fox News Channel as a Democratic analyst. Isn't being a Democratic analyst for Fox like being a librarian for the Bush White House?"
O'Brien on Yankee slugger Alex Rodriguez and his wife filing for divorce: "Because New York is a community property state, Cynthia could end up with 268 career home runs."
Comedy writer Pedro Bartes on the man arrested at LAX after claiming to have a bomb in his backpack: "No explosives were found, but officials said he was apparently carrying a pirated copy of 'The Love Guru.'"
Comedy writer Doug Austen on Matthew McConaughey's Brazilian girlfriend giving birth to a boy: "He greeted the world just like his father - shirtless."
Stephen Colbert, "The Colbert Report," on the Supreme Court's decision overturning Washington, D.C.'s ban on handguns: "Writing for the majority, Justice Antonin Scalia said, 'It is not the role of this court to pronounce the Second Amendment extinct.' He is right. Killing the Constitution is the president's job. The court's job is to overturn elections."
Comedy writer Patrick Gorse: "Barack Obama announced on Tuesday that he supports federally funded faith-based initiatives. This is kind of self-serving when you consider that supporting a one-term Senator for president is itself a faith-based initiative."
Comedy writer Jim Barach: "Hillary Clinton has gone back to work in the Senate. She had to settle for a lesser job than what she wanted and is $22 million in debt. So basically, she is just another average American."
Jimmy Kimmel, "Jimmy Kimmel Live": "The latest Bloomberg poll shows Obama has a 15-point lead over John McCain. That's a big lead. He leads in men and women, and young people and minorities. I think the only place that McCain is beating Obama is in calcium deposits right now."
Comedy writer Jake Novak: "Wal-Mart is planning to change its logo, opting for what it calls a more 'authentic design.' Of course, the most authentic logo would have to be in Chinese."
Comedy writer Alan Ray: "'Hancock' is out in theaters now. A disgruntled super hero causes damage throughout Los Angeles. He should never accept rides from Lindsay Lohan."
