Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show": "President Bush went to Iowa today. ... Of course, people from Iowa were a little confused. They weren't sure which disaster President Bush was talking about - the floods or his presidency."
David Letterman, "Late Show with David Letterman": "Al Gore has endorsed Barack Obama for president. How about that? Political experts say this is great, because it gives the Obama campaign a much-needed shot of boredom."
Comedy writer Doug Austen: "Hillary Clinton had promised the daughter of a supporter, when the girl was in eighth grade, that she would attend her high school graduation. On Sunday, Clinton fulfilled the pledge and spoke at the girl's graduation. This is a switch - usually it's Bill Clinton who makes promises to young girls."
Comedy writer Jake Novak: "Former President Bill Clinton now says he is willing to do whatever he can to help Barack Obama become president, so the Obama team is asking him to campaign for John McCain."
Comedy writer Alan Ray: "The Hula Hoop turns 50. It's not as popular as it once was. Nowadays, if a person wants the sensation of plastic spinning out of control they get a credit card."
Novak on the death of comedian George Carlin: "He is currently doing a set in Heaven convincing God that He doesn't really exist."
Jon Stewart, "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart": "With Barack Obama and John McCain hogging the front pages in the United States, President Bush decided to get out of town and take a quick trip to Europe. Making him one of the only Americans who can still afford a trip to Europe."
Comedy writer Pedro Bartes: "President Bush has enlisted British Special Forces in a final attempt to capture Osama bin Laden. Apparently, the president wants to ask Bin Laden about good places to hide because he might need them after he leaves office."
Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show": "Congressman Anthony Wiener of New York ... has introduced a bill that will grant immigrant status ... to supermodels that want to come here. Well, I have never been prouder to be an American. Of course, the nice thing about bringing these foreign supermodels here, you don't have to worry about them taking food out of American mouths."
Comedy writer Alan Ray: "'The Incredible Hulk' is in theaters. The big green monster must rescue New York City from annihilation. The only ones who are safe are the Yankees, because they're in the basement."
Comedy writer Jim Barach on Madonna's 47-year-old brother's new tell-all book: "It's called 'Did You Know Madonna Has a Brother?'"
Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show": "Did you all see Hillary's concession speech over the weekend? She gave a lovely, lovely speech. She was gracious, very complimentary. She said she wanted Barack Obama to win, and then she hugged her husband, Bill. Then the Secret Service grabbed her, threw her to the ground and said, 'What have you done with the real Senator Clinton?'"
Comedy writer Janice Hough: "Clinton campaign chair Terry McAuliffe was asked what he would do next, and responded that he and Hillary 'were going to Disney World.' Which is a bit surprising, considering that for most of the last month or so, they've been living in Fantasyland."
Comedy writer Jim Barach: "Consumers relied less on their credit cards last month. The economy is so bad that people have just moved along to shoplifting."
Comedy writer Pedro Bartes: "John McCain said Thursday he would like to see a man on Mars - preferably President Bush."
Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg: "Dennis Kucinich entered articles of impeachment against President Bush. In response, an angry Bush placed Kucinich in a timeout."
Hough on Big Brown losing the Belmont Stakes: "A New York favorite hasn't flopped so spectacularly since Rudy Giuliani."
Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show": "Barack Obama says he is now looking for a new church. Preferably one where the religious order has to take a vow of silence."
Conan O'Brien, "Late Night with Conan O'Brien": "During a speech, President Bush said that his economic stimulus package is working because when people use extra money to buy a machine, that creates jobs at 'the machine-making place.' Then Bush introduced his new speech writer, a 6-year-old boy named Timmy."
Comedy writer Pedro Bartes: "Some Republicans are saying that former press secretary Scott McClellan shouldn't have slammed the Bush administration and bit the hand that fed him. Judging by McClellan's appearance, he ate more than the hand."
Comedy writer Janice Hough: "John McCain is continuing to assert that Barack Obama needs to go to Iraq to really understand the war situation. When asked for how long, McCain replied that 'a three- or four-year tour of duty' would be a good start."
Comedy writer Jim Barach: "Billionaire investor Warren Buffett tried to calm fears about the economy by saying his children and grandchildren would live better than he does. Of course they will - they'll be spending all of his money."
