Conan O'Brien, "Late Night with Conan O'Brien": "Ralph Nader announced he's running for president again. Immediately after the announcement, the guy sitting next to Nader on the park bench told him to shut up."
Comedy writer Jim Barach: "Hillary Clinton has released a new blueprint for the U.S. economy. Hopefully it will have better results than her recent campaign strategy."
Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show": "You know what's amazing? All the acting Oscars went to foreigners. Foreigners won everything. In fact, today Lou Dobbs called for a 10-foot fence to be built around Hollywood."
Michael Feldman, public radio's "Whad'Ya Know?": "John McCain refuses to take reports that he had an affair with a woman 30 years his junior as a compliment."
Leno on same: "They say this woman traveled around with McCain to his campaign stops and she also flew aboard his private jet. You know what they call a young woman who travels around with a 71-year-old man? A nurse!"
Comedy writer Jake Novak: "A new survey shows that nearly half of U.S. adults have abandoned religion altogether. The other half are currently worshipping Barack Obama."
Bill Maher, "Real Time with Bill Maher": "The province of Kosovo on Sunday declared independence from Serbia, prompting Hillary Clinton to ask, 'So, who gets those delegates?'"
David Letterman, "Late Show with David Letterman": "Barack Obama and John Edwards got together over the weekend. Edwards may endorse Barack Obama, although his hair is leaning toward Hillary."
Comedy writer Jake Novak: "Fidel Castro has resigned as Cuba's ruler. He wants to step down now so he can emigrate to the U.S. in time to collect Social Security."
Comedy writer Janice Hough: "So John McCain has now embraced the Bush tax cuts and voted against an anti-torture bill. He didn't need Mitt Romney's recent endorsement - he's become Mitt Romney."
Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show": "Did you see Roger Clemens testifying before Congress? One congress- man named Elijah Cummings called Clemens 'one of my heroes' and then called him a liar. So I guess that's what makes you a hero to a congressman."
Comedy writer Jim Barach: "Thousands of bats are reportedly dying from a mysterious illness in New York. Authorities say they have never seen so many listless bats in New York outside of Shea Stadium."
Comedy writer Pedro Bartes on NASA and Speedo teaming up to develop the world's fastest swimsuit: "The U.S. government immediately summoned the Pentagon to protect the secret, because if the swimsuit falls in the hands of Cubans, it could be very dangerous."
Comedy writer Janice Hough: "While campaigning in Virginia this week, Hillary Clinton promised there would be no new scandals involving her husband, former President Bill Clinton. And they say Obama's campaign is a fairy tale?"
Comedy writer Patrick Gorse: "For the first time, President Bush mentioned the U.S. presidential elections in a speech on Friday. Mr. Bush's curiosity in the White House race was short-lived, however, when he found out superdelegates couldn't fly."
Comedy writer Pedro Bartes: "Senate Republicans blocked a bid by Democrats to add $44 billion in the stimulus package to help the elderly. Another sign Republicans hate John McCain."
David Letterman, "Late Show with David Letterman," on Mitt Romney dropping out of the presidential race: "I think I'm going to miss Mitt Romney. He looked like the white hunter who ignores Tarzan's warning."
Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show": "Congratulations to presidential candidate Barack Obama. He won a Grammy ... for best spoken word album. Boy, there's four words you haven't heard in the same sentence in a while - 'presidential' and 'best spoken word.'"
Comedy writer Alan Ray: "'Sesame Street' turns 39 in 2008. You can tell the characters on the show are getting older. The Count now adds up his cholesterol."
Comedy writer Jake Novak: "The New York Giants stunned the previously undefeated Tom Brady and the New England Patriots by winning Super Bowl XLII. Brady was later consoled by his supermodel girlfriend, who assured him that 'this happens to lots of guys.'"
Comedy writer Jim Barach: "Experts say that this may have been the most watched Super Bowl in history, and that's not even including all the Patriots' spy cameras."
Bill Maher, "Real Time with Bill Maher": "Hillary and Obama debated at the Kodak Theatre [in L.A.]. The camera showed so many celebrities in the audience I thought I was watching a Lakers game."
David Letterman, "Late Show with David Letterman," on Super Tuesday: "Well, it's all over now, Hillary can remove the duct tape from Bill's mouth."
Comedy writer Pedro Bartes on pundit Ann Coulter's support for Hillary Clinton: "Political analysts were shocked, because everybody knows Hillary doesn't poll well among men."
Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg on "The Eye," new in theaters: "A woman, played by Jessica Alba, who is given sight by a cornea transplant, discovers she can see what her cornea donor saw. It's a terrifying horror movie because her cornea donor was an Oakland Raider fan."
Maher on Rudy Giuliani's dropping out of the presidential race: "I will miss the arguments he had with Mitt Romney. It was like a Halloween costume debating a mannequin."
