Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show": "The government is spending $200 billion to bail out Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. Unemployment (is at a) five-year high. Foreclosures are at a 19-year high. This means the Democrats are going to have to work extra hard over the next eight weeks to blow this election."
Comedy writer Pedro Bartes: "Republican Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin is trying to convince people she's the right person to boost an ill economy. She said there's no reason for the U.S. to have a bear market when you can just take a shotgun into the woods and kill them for free."
Comedy writer Janice Hough: "After the first game of the season, New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady is out for the year. This might be the most crushing single performance since Rudy Giuliani in the Florida primary."
Comedy writer Jim Barach: "A New York club offers high-end car owners the ability to drive their cars as fast as they want for a membership fee of $125,000. Drivers who normally take the Long Island Expressway are amazed at the feel of being able to actually sit at the wheel of a car going faster than 15 mph."
Comedy writer Alan Ray: "The robbery-kidnapping trial of O.J. Simpson has begun. His plea bargain with prosecutors failed. He vowed to devote his life to finding the real armed bandits."
