Conan O'Brien, "Late Night with Conan O'Brien": "The Democratic Convention is being held at a 20,000- seat arena in Denver, but Barack Obama has decided to give his acceptance speech at Denver's 80,000-seat football stadium. Meanwhile, Ralph Nader will be giving his acceptance speech at a Foot Locker."
Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show": "Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton met last week in Unity, New Hampshire, to campaign together. That shows you what a great country it is. Only in America could a woman who married a man from Hope go to a town called Unity and fake something called sincerity!"
Comedy writer Janice Hough: "Howard Wolfson, a close friend of Hillary Rodham Clinton, is joining Fox News Channel as a Democratic analyst. Isn't being a Democratic analyst for Fox like being a librarian for the Bush White House?"
O'Brien on Yankee slugger Alex Rodriguez and his wife filing for divorce: "Because New York is a community property state, Cynthia could end up with 268 career home runs."
Comedy writer Pedro Bartes on the man arrested at LAX after claiming to have a bomb in his backpack: "No explosives were found, but officials said he was apparently carrying a pirated copy of 'The Love Guru.'"
Comedy writer Doug Austen on Matthew McConaughey's Brazilian girlfriend giving birth to a boy: "He greeted the world just like his father - shirtless."
