Comedy writer Pedro Bartes: "Terrell Owens cried at the press conference after Dallas lost the game to the Giants in the NFL playoffs. Hasn't he learned anything from Hillary? You're supposed to cry before the competition if you want to win."
Bill Maher, "Real Time With Bill Maher": "I don't get this. Hillary Clinton's been bragging all year long that she's been doing this for 35 years, but she just found her voice on Tuesday? There's a medical term for this: 'slow learner.'"
David Letterman, "Late Show With David Letterman": "President George W. Bush is in the Middle East . . . [he] would like to settle the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. He's so confident about doing this that he's already unfolding the 'Mission Accomplished' banner."
Comedy writer Patrick Gorse: "An alligator in Delray Beach, Fla., emerged out of a lake, attacking three dogs and killing one. You can't blame the dogs for being complacent. When they saw something hideous in a swamp, they just assumed it was Rudy Giuliani."
Comedy writer Jim Barach: "President Bush says if he were running for president, he would run as an agent of change. He then declared he was going to continue to stay the course."
Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show": "Some sad news today for Barack Obama. Did you hear about this? Apparently, he's been endorsed by former candidate John Kerry. Just when things were going so well."
