I honestly cannot believe there is a news story about this, much less that there has been research done into rock, paper, scissors!
Here's how to best win at rock, paper, scissors
By Fiona Macrae News.com.au December 20, 2007 01:00am
MOST of us know that rock blunts scissors, scissors cut paper and paper covers stone. What is less well-known, however, is how to win the popular playground game.
Now stalwart players have come up with a strategy - start with scissors.
Research shows that stone is the most popular of the three possible moves in the game of quickfire hand gestures.
If your opponent expects you to pick rock, they will choose paper. Therefore, by going with scissors, you will win, because scissors beat paper.
Comedy writer Patrick Gorse: "Hillary Clinton compared Iowans' careful inspection of all the political candidates before their Jan. 3 caucuses to a car buyer 'kicking the tires and looking under the trunk.' The trunk? Car buyers look under the hood. Wives of cheating husbands look under the trunk."
Comedy writer Alan Ray: "Joe Lieberman has endorsed John McCain for president. Of course, the Connecticut senator is from a different faith than others in Washington. He is bipartisan."
Comedy writer Jim Barach: "Rudy Giuliani said he wanted to deport every illegal alien in New York City. Apparently he changed his mind when he realized he would be known as the man who left the Yankees without a pitching staff."
Ray on "Jeopardy!" host Alex Trebek's suffering a mild heart attack: "He couldn't understand what had happened until his doctor explained it to him in the form of a question."
Comedy writer Doug Austen: Arizona man has exclusive rights to sell a smokeless cigarette in the U.S. It's battery-powered and works by replacing smoke with water vapor. You don't get cancer, but if you inhale you'll drown."
Barach on Alberto Gonzales' being named lawyer of the year by the American Bar Association Magazine: "When asked if he has ever received a bigger honor, Gonzales said, 'I don't recall.'"
A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:
Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate. Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.
The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:
Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a monk's costume. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part. Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.
Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:
Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your a** and go as a caramel apple. Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.
Comedy writer Janice Hough: "In Iowa City Monday night, Bill Clinton was heckled by a man dressed as a robot. Out of habit he responded, 'Yes, Hillary.'"
Comedy writer Jim Barach: "The Bush administration is hammering out an agreement to freeze interest rates for five years on subprime mortgages to prevent foreclosures. Republicans are very concerned about losing their houses - specifically the White House and both Houses of Congress in the next election."
Comedy writer Pedro Bartes: "President Bush said that even though U.S. intelligence has confirmed that Iran ended its nuclear weapons program in 2003, it would not prompt him to take off the table the possibility of pre-emptive military action. In fact, now that we know Iran doesn't have nuclear weapons, it makes it much easier to attack them."
Comedy writer Jake Novak: "Former NFL quarterback Michael Vick has been sentenced to 23 months in prison. But that's well over a decade in doggy years."
Comedy writer Patrick Gorse: "The Bush administration says the CIA destroyed terrorist interrogation tapes to protect the identities of the interrogators. You know how gung-ho this administration is about protecting the identity of CIA agents. Just ask Valerie Plame."
Comedy writer Alan Ray: "'I Am Legend' begins Friday in movie theaters. Will Smith finds himself all alone in New York City. A lot of the footage was shot during the fourth quarter of a recent Knicks game."
Comedy writer Janice Hough: "Who said Democrats are the big spenders? Rudy Giuliani apparently billed taxpayers for the cost of his security detail traveling to Southampton while he dallied with his then-mistress, Judith Nathan. At least with Bill Clinton, the Secret Service didn't have to leave the White House."
Comedy writer Pedro Bartes: "According to the latest numbers, our country's national debt is growing by $1 million every minute. The Bush administration called its best economists and came up with a solution to save money: A 23-hour day."
Comedy writer Alan Ray: "Vladimir Putin's political party has won parliamentary elections in Russia. They claim a clear mandate. In the entire election campaign they didn't have to poison one opponent."
Michael Feldman, public radio's "Whad'Ya Know?": "In the Republican debate, [Mitt] Romney washboards [John] McCain; candidates reach consensus gay aliens should be tortured after they finish the lawn."
Comedy writer Jake Novak on the end of the Broadway strike: "So from now on, anyone you see singing and dancing on the streets outside the theater is actually a crazy person."
Bartes on a feral cat which survived 19 days with its head stuck in a jar: "That's nothing. President Bush has survived living in a bubble since 2004."
