Comedy writer Pedro Bartes: "Several newspapers reported that Rudy Giuliani's campaign rallies are attended mostly by reporters but very few actual supporters. His campaign staff said the report is unfair because Fox News reporters are also Giuliani supporters."
Comedy writer Jim Barach: "New York City is on track to have fewer than 500 murders this year, and of those, only 35 were committed by strangers to their victims. Apparently the city is getting much friendlier."
Comedy writer Jake Novak: "Huge crowds jammed malls and stores on Black Friday. It's not clear if the lines were filled by shoppers or foreclosed Americans looking to get out of the cold."
Comedy writer Alan Ray: "The New York Knicks snapped an eight-game losing streak with a win over the Bulls. Coach Isiah Thomas still thinks the defense gave up way too much - but enough about his court case."
Barach on Progressive Insurance offering insurance if a pet is injured or killed in a car crash: "However, the policy is void if the pet is driving at the time of the accident."
Novak on organizers hailing this year's Rockefeller Christmas tree as "enviro-friendly" because it's using energy-efficient lights: "That's kind of like being proud that you harpooned a whale from a solar-powered boat."
Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show," on the Writers' Guild strike: "They are calling this the toughest time for comedy writing since those three weeks back in the '90s when Bill Clinton stopped dating."
Michael Feldman, public radio's "Whad'Ya Know?": "Pat Robertson endorses Rudy Giuliani, but says if he wears a dress again a hurricane will blow up his skirt."
Comedy writer Pedro Bartes: "Seventy-five percent of Americans said in a recent poll that the country is headed in the wrong direction. The other 25 percent is headed to Canada."
Comedy writer Patrick Gorse: "Hillary Clinton's campaign apologized for staging a question from a student during an appearance last week. A Clinton spokesman said that while it wasn't standard policy, it does prove she can run FEMA."
Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg: "Hillary Clinton's campaign denied that she and her staffers failed to tip a waitress at a restaurant in Iowa last month. The waitress said that it didn't qualify as a tip when Hillary told her to 'always go with pants suits.'"
Gorse on the demolition of the 65-year-old New Frontier Casino Hotel in Las Vegas: "It was the biggest implosion there since Britney Spears performed at the MTV Video Music Awards."
Comedy writer Jim Barach on Gisele Bundchen's insistence she be paid in any currency other than U.S. dollars: "How weak has the dollar gotten that it can't even feed a supermodel?"
David Letterman, "Late Show With David Letterman": "Dennis Kucinich says he once saw a UFO. I'm thinking to myself, 'Saw one? My God, it looks like he's been riding one.'"
Comedy writer Jim Barach: "John McCain says his opponents aren't qualified to be president because they haven't served in the military. His opponents point out the White House has been occupied by draft evaders since 1992."
Bill Maher, "Real Time With Bill Maher," on State Department personnel being forced to serve in Iraq: "People at the State Department are revolting about this because they say it's dangerous over there. ... President Bush is furious. He said, 'If you didn't want to go to a war zone, you shouldn't have joined the State Department. You should have joined the Texas Air National Guard.'"
Comedy writer Janice Hough: "Stephen Colbert has lost his bid to be on the ballot in South Carolina because state Democrats say you have to be a viable candidate to be included in the primary. No word on when they plan on breaking the news to Joe Biden, Christopher Dodd and Mike Gravel."
Comedy writer Alan Ray: "The Senate will approve Michael Mukasey as attorney general. Key Democrats are willing to overlook his past statements on torture as waterboarding under the bridge."
Barach on the death of Washoe, the first chimpanzee to learn sign language: "Her last words were, 'Why did you give me such a stupid name?'"
David Letterman, "Late Show With David Letterman": "FEMA faked a press conference and earlier today, President Bush strongly condemned it - at his own fake press conference."
Bill Maher, "Real Time With Bill Maher": "President Bush . . . declared California a national disaster area. And I think I can speak for all Californians when I say to him, 'Right back at ya.'"
Comedy writer Pedro Bartes: "Dick Cheney was caught by news cameras sound asleep during a cabinet meeting about the California wildfires. White House officials tried to spin it, saying he was praying for the destruction of Iran."
Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show": "According to the latest polls, Chris Dodd is at zero percent of the vote. Zero percent? Do you know what that means? Even he isn't voting for himself."
Comedy writer Patrick Gorse: "Dick Cheney's annual Halloween party was a big bust this year. Apparently, nobody won the 'waterboarding for apples' contest."
Comedy writer Alan Ray: "The Los Angeles Dodgers are interested in Joe Torre as manager. He's attracted to some of the perks of this particular job. For instance, Octobers off."
Conan O'Brien, "Late Night With Conan O'Brien": "In a recent interview, Arnold Schwarzenegger said cannabis is not a drug. Of course, when Arnold said it, it sounded like, 'Cannibals need a hug.'"
