Bill Maher, "Real Time with Bill Maher": "The Turkish parliament has voted to approve the idea of invading Iraq. President Bush was furious. He said, 'What kind of country takes a vote before it invades Iraq?'"
Comedy writer Jim Barach: "Political experts say Hillary Clinton is showing her femininity to court older, married women. To even things out, Bill Clinton is spending his time courting younger, single women."
Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show": "President Bush met with the Dalai Lama at the White House. One awkward moment: When the Dalai Lama walked into the Oval Office wearing the traditional robe, Bush started chanting, 'Toga! Toga!'"
Conan O'Brien, "Late Night with Conan O'Brien": "FBI agents raided a Las Vegas warehouse owned by magician David Copperfield. They seized nearly $2 million in cash. Apparently the entire $2 million was in quarters Copperfield pulled out of peoples' ears."
David Letterman, "Late Night with David Letterman": "In Pennsylvania, (there were) two delivery guys, one for Coke, one for Pepsi. The Coke delivery guy was beaten up by the Pepsi delivery guy. Fortunately, he was treated at the scene by Dr. Pepper."
O'Brien on Yankees manager Joe Torre's rejecting the team's offer of a pay cut that would reduce his salary to $5 million a year: "Torre said for $5 million he couldn't even get Yankee tickets."
Now these are the type of stories you have to love...;)
Taking a Whack Against Comcast
By Neely Tucker Washington Post Staff Writer Thursday, October 18, 2007; Page C01
Sometimes truly American virtues arise in outlaws who -- by dint of heroic but questionable endeavors -- display the mettle of the national character.
For instance: The Dillinger Gang, robbing banks (and destroying mortgages) when banks were foreclosing on the poor. Stephanie St. Clair, matron of the numbers racket during the Harlem Renaissance, striking a (dubious) blow for both gender and racial equality. Junior Johnson bootlegging liquor during Prohibition (the benefits of which were self-evident).
Fear not, fellow Americans! In these dark days of war, pestilence and Paris Hilton, a new hero has arisen. She is none other than 75-year-old Mona "The Hammer" Shaw, who took the aforementioned implement to her local Comcast office in Manassas to settle a score, and boy, did she!
Michael Feldman, public radio's "Whad'Ya Know?": "With the Peace Prize, Oscar and Emmy, it's the hat trick for Al Gore. The presidency would be a demotion."
Comedy writer Janice Hough: "This week President Bush said, 'I think a lady will be president, and she'll be a Republican.' Which is actually the same fear some liberal Democrats have about Hillary Clinton."
Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show": "Barack Obama is attacking some of Hillary Clinton's comments on torture. At one point, Hillary had said that 'in some narrow cases, torture could be acceptable.' Like, for example, if your husband is sneaking in at 2:30 in the morning."
Amy Poehler, "Saturday Night Live": "Communist Cuba paid tribute on Monday to Ernesto Che Guevara, the populist revolutionary and guerrilla fighrer, and not, as most college students believe, the founder of Urban Outfitters."
Conan O'Brien, "Late Night with Conan O'Brien": "In a recent interview, President Bush's daughter Jenna said she believes there's a ghost in the White House. Then President Bush told her, 'No sweetheart, that's just your grandmother.'"
Comedy writer Pedro Bartes: "Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards said that a tabloid story claiming that he had an extramarital affair was untrue. Edwards added that he's been in love with the same person for more than 30 years: Himself."
Bill Maher, "Real Time with Bill Maher," on Fox News host Bill O'Reilly's dining with Al Sharpton in Harlem: "He said he was shocked and delighted to see there was no difference between a black-owned restaurant and a white-owned restaurant. Which is true, because apparently they both serve crackers."
Conan O'Brien, "Late Night with Conan O'Brien": "A new poll of Democratic voters in Iowa has found that senior citizens prefer Hillary Clinton. Unfortunately for Hillary, the seniors still rank her third behind applesauce and creamed spinach."
Michael Feldman, public radio's "Whad'Ya Know?": "Rudy Guiliani says the $9.11 contributions to his campaign just worked out that way with tax. The poster showing him atop the Empire State swatting away planes was not his idea."
Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show": "Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton has proposed $5,000 be given to every baby in America at birth. ... Today Barack Obama topped that with $6,000 and a year's supply of Turtle Wax."
Comedy writer Jim Barach: "Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas has written his autobiography. It's called 'Scalia Knows Best.'"
David Letterman, "Late Show with David Letterman": "President Bush says he's really going to buckle down now and fight global warming. As a matter of fact, he announced today he's sending 20,000 troops to the sun."
