Bill Maher, "Real Time with Bill Maher": "Republicans are still angry about this MoveOn.org ad. You know, 'the General Petraeus, he betrayed us,' and the Senate actually voted to condemn the ad. That's what your government did yesterday - they held a vote to pass a resolution to condemn an ad with a pun in it. And then they had Oreos and braided each other's hair."
Comedy writer Alan Ray: "President Bush spoke to the UN on Tuesday. He pledged harsh sanctions against the tiny country of Myanmar. He refuses to give aid to any nation he can't pronounce or find on a map."
Comedy writer Jake Novak: "Before allowing Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to speak, Columbia University President Lee Bollinger cited all of the things the Iranian government does that Columbia finds unacceptable, including public executions of minors, imprisonment of gays and the failure to charge $45,000 a year for college tuition."
Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show": "According to a new report out of Cuba, Fidel Castro is near death, but he is clinging to life and is determined to outlive the Bush presidency. Wow, just like Dan Rather."
Comedy writer Jim Barach: "Rudy Giuliani says there is an evolution involved in his views on gun control. At least he is the first Republican presidential candidate to admit to evolution."
Maher on Hillary Clinton calling Dick Cheney "Darth Vader": "Which is very unfair, because Darth Vader would have caught bin Laden by now."
These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm (and not shaking their heads in dismay) while these exchanges were actually taking place:
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you? A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan.
Q: And where was the location of the accident? A: Approximately milepost 499. Q: And where is milepost 499? A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Q: Sir, what is your IQ? A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing? A: Yes. Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car? A: Yes, sir. Q: What did she say? A: What disco am I at?
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August eighth? A: Yes. Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless? A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg: "French Foreign Minister Bernard Kouchner said of Iran's military threat, 'We have to prepare for the worst, and the worst is war.' Is France really a threat? Isn't that like Chevy Chase threatening to ruin somebody's movie career?"
Conan O'Brien, "Late Night With Conan O'Brien": "O.J. Simpson was arrested yesterday for armed robbery in connection with a break-in at a Las Vegas hotel. When the cops cuffed him and took him to jail, O.J. was thrilled and said, 'I've still got it.'"
Comedy writer Matt Passet: "According to a new AP poll, most people see the Iraq war as a failure. President George W. Bush said, 'Well, most people didn't elect me.'"
Bill Maher, "Real Time With Bill Maher": "How many saw the president's speech last [Thursday] night?. . . He offered really no new strategy that I saw, but, of course, a new slogan: 'Return on Success.' Sounds like a Dr. Phil book."
Comedy writer Jim Barach: "Chief Justice John Roberts compared lawyers to firefighters in a speech to law students. Many people agree with him. When they see a burning building, they hope it's filled with lawyers."
Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show": "Al Gore won an Emmy last night. Actually, you know the secret to his win? This time, they actually counted the votes."
Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you either hear or are about to repeat a rumor.
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC) Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.
One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter?"
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and..."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued. "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really"
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor Useful, why tell it to me at all?"
The man was defeated and ashamed.
This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his wife.
BRUSSELS (AFP) - Internet auction website eBay on Monday withdrew an unusual second-hand sale item, the country of Belgium, which had attracted an offer of 10 million euros (13.9 million dollars).
"Belgium, a kingdom in three parts" was posted on the Belgian ebay site as offering "plenty of choice" despite the caveat that it comes with "300 billion of National Debt."
Offered in three parts -- Flanders, Brussels and Wallonia -- the accompanying blurb said the kingdom "can be bought as a whole (not recommended)."
The vendor also included as added extras "the king and his court (costs not included)."
Someone I know recently said this quote off-the-cuff, but it was so appropriate to that person, that I felt I needed to post it here. In order to protect the "innocent", I'm not going to provide the name of the person who said it:
"I value my sleep more than I value the quality of my work" - anonymous
Do you see gray areas in between the squares? Now where did they come from?
You should see a man's face and also a word... Hint: Try tilting your head to the right, the world begins with 'L'
If you take a look at the following picture, it is not animated. Your eyes are making it move. To test this, stare at one spot for a couple seconds and everything will stop moving. Or look at the black center of each circle and it will stop moving. But move your eyes to the next black center and the previous one will move after you take your eyes away from it....Weird
Bill Maher, "Real Time with Bill Maher": "President Bush has embarrassed himself and the nation in Australia today. I don't know if you know this, he was at the APEC convention, he said it was OPEC. Then he referred to the Australians as the Austrians, and then he almost walked off the edge of the stage and killed himself. He was going to step on a rake and have it hit him on the head, but he was saving that for the French."
David Letterman, "Late Show with David Letterman": "I heard something interesting today. After he leaves office, George W. Bush is going to start a think tank. That's ... like Michael Vick opening an animal shelter."
Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg: "Britney Spears gave a heavily criticized comeback performance at the MTV Music Video Awards in Las Vegas. They showed rapper 50 Cent in the audience cringing. You know a performance is bad when a guy who's been shot nine times can't take it."
Comedy writer Jim Barach: "Rosie O'Donnell has trashed her own novel on her Web site. It's finally happened. She has run out of people to pick fights with, so now she's going after herself."
Comedy writer Jake Novak: "In a new videotape, Osama bin Laden urges his followers to take greater advantage of the 9/11 anniversary. Of course, to really do that they'd have to join the Rudy Giuliani campaign."
Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show": "Idaho Sen. Larry Craig announced he would voluntarily give up his seat. Isn't that how he got in trouble in the first place?"
Comedy writer Alan Ray: "White House spokesman Tony Snow is quitting. His job was to vigorously promote and defend the Bush administration. Then he left Fox News, and went to work for the president."
Conan O'Brien, "Late Night With Conan O'Brien": "Fred Thompson, a former star of 'Law & Order,' confirmed with his supporters that he is running for president. Afterwards, he promised to solve the crisis in Iraq by the end of the episode."
Comedy writer Jim Barach: "A Zogby poll says that 54 percent of Americans believe the Iraq war has not been lost. Coincidentally, these are the same people who have subprime mortgages."
Bill Maher, "Real Time With Bill Maher," on the Government Accountability Office report on Iraq: "They say Iraq has failed to meet 15 of the 18 benchmarks they had to meet. To give you an idea of how pathetic that is, Lindsay Lohan is doing better in rehab."
David Letterman, "Late Show With David Letterman": "Leona Helmsley left her dog $12 million. The dog is a tiny Maltese, or as Michael Vick calls it, 'an appetizer.'"
Comedy writer Matt Passet: "The U.S. Open's been going on. I haven't seen this many white people in one place since the Republican convention."
