Bill Maher, "Real Time With Bill Maher": "It was in the paper that the number of Iraqis - since the surge began - who are fleeing their homes has, in a word, surged. In fact, there are so many abandoned houses in Baghdad it looks like America's real estate market."
Comedy writer Janice Hough: "Our intelligence agencies are now saying that the Iraqi government is paralyzed. Finally, a sign that we've begun to export American-style democracy."
Comedy writer Patrick Gorse: "There was a hot rumor floating around the Internet earlier this week that Fidel Castro was dead. Or as the rest of the world called it, 'Monday.'"
David Letterman, "Late Night With David Letterman": "Here's a sure sign summer's over: They're putting up Christmas decorations on Fifth Avenue."
Comedy writer Alan Ray: "A report says obesity rates have climbed in 31 states. Researchers can't pinpoint the exact reasons, since most survey respondents couldn't talk with their mouths full."
Maher on rocker Ted Nugent's rant in concert against Sens. Hillary Rodham Clinton and Barack Obama: "I find this shocking - Ted Nugent still has concerts?"
Comedy writer Pedro Bartes: "Attorney General Alberto Gonzales announced his resignation. Gonzales said he wanted to spend more time with Karl Rove's family."
David Letterman, "Late Show With David Letterman": "One of the president's daughters, the lovely Jenna Bush, is getting married. Now they're thinking if they can just marry off Condoleezza Rice."
Comedy writer Jim Barach: "Rudy Giuliani is telling the media to 'leave my family alone.' It can't be that hard. He's done it for years."
Jon Stewart, "The Daily Show With Jon Stewart," on the straw poll held in Iowa: "It's an election with no Democrats, in one of the whitest states in the union, where the rich candidates pay $35 for your vote. Or, as the Republicans call it, 'Our vision for the future.' "
Comedy writer Jake Novak: "A workers' rights group that is based in the United States says that it found 'brutal conditions' in eight Chinese toy plants. Unfortunately, the workers are still safer than the American children who play with those toys."
Barach on former NBA referee Tim Donaghy: "He claims the 'adrenaline rush' of betting is what apparently led to his gambling addiction. That, and the boredom of having to officiate Knicks games."
Craig Ferguson, "The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson": "Steven Segal said he's not getting the movie roles that he wants because of a false FBI investigation. The FBI issued a response and said, 'It is our job to stop people from making bombs.'"
Comedy writer Jim Barach: "Presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani will not come out and say he is a practicing Catholic. How bad are things for the church when someone who is on his third marriage and doesn't speak to his kids is trying to distance himself from being Catholic?"
Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show": "President Bush has left for vacation, and his poll numbers are going up. So, basically, people approve of the job he's doing more when he's not doing the job."
Comedy writer Pedro Bartes: "Mitt Romney said he 'misspoke' when he suggested that his sons' work on his presidential campaign was comparable to serving in the military in Iraq. Mainly because his sons actually have helmets and bulletproof vests."
Conan O'Brien, "Late Night with Conan O'Brien": "During a debate sponsored by a gay group, Sen. Hillary Clinton was criticized because of her husband's 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy. In response, Hillary said, 'Sorry, but our entire marriage is based on me not asking and him not telling.'"
Barach on Attorney General Alberto Gonzales' recent visit to Iraq: "Apparently he was looking to find a less hostile environ-ment than Washing-ton, D.C."
Craig Ferguson, "The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson": "There was a big flood in New York. A group of people floated to safety by making a raft out of Donald Trump's hair."
Comedy writer Janice Hough: "The Pentagon admits they have lost track of about 190,000 AK-47 assault rifles and pistols given to Iraqi security forces, and they fear that some of them might have have fallen into the hands of insurgents fighting U.S. forces in Iraq. Great, now we can't even find our own weapons of mass destruction."
Comedy writer Jim Barach: "Rudy Giuliani is defending his wife, portrayed by Vanity Fair magazine as a 'princess bride' who demands an extra airplane seat for her Louis Vuitton bag. It's actually just a way to keep Rudy from sitting next to her."
Comedy writer Patrick Gorse: "Barry Bonds surpassed Hank Aaron's career home run record. Fans held up signs with asterisks. Barry held up his own sign that read, 'Kiss my asterisk.'"
Comedy writer Alan Ray: "Alex Rodriguez hit his 500th home run on Saturday. He's only got one thing to say to someone who still thinks he's paid too much for what he contributes: 'Derek, can you hand me my glove?'"
Jimmy Kimmel, "Jimmy Kimmel Live": "Earlier this year, there was a strange story about Keith Richards. He claims he once snorted a mixture of cocaine and his dead father's ashes. That was the story, but he denied it. Now, though, he's saying he did snort his dad, [but] he did not mix him with some cocaine. ... Stars, they're just like us."
Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show": "It seems the little tiff between Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton has really heated up since their last argument at the last Democratic debate. They have become distant. They barely speak to each other now. When they do speak, it's really icy. Or as Hillary calls it, 'marriage.'"
Conan O'Brien, "Late Night with Conan O'Brien": "Iraq's parliament adjourned for the entire month of August. Experts predict there will be a lack of progress in Iraq for the month of August, the likes of which haven't been seen since June or July."
David Letterman, "Late Show with David Letterman": "Sen. Hillary Clinton ... appeared on the Senate floor wearing a pink blazer and a skimpy top. She looked so hot, Sen. Ted Kennedy sent over a drink."
Comedy writer Jim Barach: "Kansas City Royals outfielder Emil Brown accidentally shot a TV reporter in the face with a pellet gun. Authorities say he could receive up to eight years as vice president."
Comedy writer Richard Siegelman: "When Dick Cheney underwent his heart procedure, did George W. Bush temporarily take over as president?"
Comedy writer Matt Passet: "Drew Carey will be the new host of 'The Price is Right.' Since the producers couldn't get their first choice, Rosie O'Donnell, they got the person who looks the most like her."
