Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show," on President George W. Bush's recent colonoscopy: "White house spokesman Scott Stanzel said that during the procedure President Bush was asleep but responsive. So how is that different than any other day?"
Comedy writer Janice Hough: "When asked what he thought of Monday's YouTube presidential debate, President Bush said he liked their music but that lead singer Bono was Irish and thus ineligible to vote."
Comedy writer Patrick Gorse on the tiny pet Chihuahua in Colorado who got between a toddler and a rattlesnake and managed to fight off the rattler to save the little boy's life: "Or as accused dog-fighting football player Michael Vick calls it, 'the best idea he's heard in a long time.'"
Michael Feldman, public radio's "Whad'Ya Know?": "Spoiler warning: the end of Harry Potter. Harry, seated in a diner with the Hogwarts crowd; cut to Hermione trying to parallel park her broom. Voldemort gets up from the counter to enter the men's room as Harry looks up from the booth with 'Witchy Woman' playing on the jukebox, and the pages go blank."
Conan O'Brien, "Late Night with Conan O'Brien": "A Christian group that claims it can cure homosexuality is starting a program to help gay Broadway stars become straight. The program is called, 'A Total Waste of Time.'"
A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my chest. I can splash it on my eyes."
Comedy writer Patrick Gorse: "President Bush's approval rating is so low, the only thing he's still above is the law."
Jon Stewart, "The Daily Show With Jon Stewart," on President Bush's progress report on Iraq noting that Iraqis have made progress on 8 out of 18 benchmarks: "Yes! There you have it, 8 of 18, otherwise known as 'a Gentleman's F.'"
Comedy writer Jake Novak: "The U.S. Senate debated the Iraq war Tuesday in an all-night session. It's not clear if the senators were trying to stand up to President Bush or just prove to their wives that they weren't using an escort service."
Conan O'Brien, "Late Night With Conan O'Brien": Former "Virginia governor Jim Gilmore has dropped out of the race for the Republican presidential nomination. He said he dropped out because 'I don't have the star power of a Tom Tancredo or a Mike Huckabee.' "
Comedy writer Janice Hough: "So, despite great name recognition, and good initial funding, John McCain's presidential campaign is fading fast. Who knew that his 'Straight Talk Express' would go the way of Amtrak?"
Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg: "In Washington, D.C., a gun-wielding thief broke into a dinner party. After he was served wine, he put the gun away, gave everyone a hug and left without incident. Needless to say, the wine was French."
Comedy writer Richard Siegelman on President Bush's commuting Scooter Libby's prison sentence: "Our commander-in-chief has now become our commuter-in-chief."
Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show": "Hey, did you see all those doctors last week involved in the terrorist attack at the Glasgow Airport? How scary was that? You thought the doctors at your HMO were bad."
Comedy writer Jake Novak: "U.S. Sen. David Vitter [R.-La.] is expressing severe embarrassment after telephone records linked him to a notorious D.C. madam. ... Apparently he thought she was a lobbyist."
Comedy writer Jim Barach: "Anti-war protesters are refusing to pay taxes. ... Tax experts are advising them that if they don't want to pay taxes, they just need to make more than $200,000 a year."
Conan O'Brien, "Late Night with Conan O'Brien": "Miss New Jersey is claiming that someone has embarrassing photos of her and is trying to blackmail her. Apparently, the embarrassing photos show her in a sash that reads 'New Jersey.'"
Michael Feldman, public radio's "Whad'Ya Know?": "Many believe the iPhone is the Seventh Seal prophesied in the Bible, marking the coming of the iPocalypse."
Comedy writer Alan Ray: "A new list of the Seven Wonders of the World has been chosen. Included are standard puzzlements like the Taj Mahal and the Great Wall of China. New on the list: Attorney General Alberto Gonzales."
You can now call me from my website!! Just fill in the information below and click "Call Me" - GrandCentral will first call your phone number and when you answer, it will automatically connect you to me...
Go ahead and give it a try...it's free and you'll reach me directly.
I'll be adding a link to this to the left-hand side pane of my site shortly. But in the meantime feel free to use the link above.
For all you fans who just desperately needed this functionality...this one's for you ;)
You can now text message me directly from my website...that's right...absolutely incredible!
Simply browse to http://textmessage.marcbressman.com and fill in the required information and send it on to my phone. Just make sure not to exceed 135 characters, or your message will get cut off and I won't get it all.
I'll be adding a link to this to the left-hand side pane of my site shortly. But in the meantime feel free to use the link above.
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