Bill Maher, "Real Time with Bill Maher": "The Iraq funding bill that set a date for troop withdrawal, that's all gone by the wayside. The Democrats just backed down, as they always do, but they did it with flair this time. They met on an aircraft carrier, and they had a big banner that said 'Mission Abandoned!' "
Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show": "Rudy Giuliani has been paying his wife $10,000 a month to help write his speeches. That's every wife's dream, isn't it? To put words in your husband's mouth and get paid for it."
Comedy writer Pedro Bartes: "Hillary Clinton's deputy campaign manager suggested that she bypass the Iowa caucuses and focus on later contests in the nomination fight. He came to that conclusion after he heard her Iowan accent."
Conan O'Brien, "Late Night with Conan O'Brien": "This week Dick Cheney's daughter Mary and her partner, Heather, had a baby boy. Afterwards, Dick Cheney teared up and said, 'I've been asking her to bring a boy home for 30 years.' "
Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg: "New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg announced that he wants the city's taxis to be converted to gas-electric hybrids by 2012. By 2020 he wants them to be totally running off cab driver fumes."
Comedy writer Jake Novak: "Lindsay Lohan is back in rehab. In a cruel twist of fate, the roads are finally safe again but no one can afford gas."
Conan O'Brien, "Late Night With Conan O'Brien": "The president of Iraq, Jalal Talabani, came to America to check into a weight-loss clinic because he's dangerously obese. Apparently, he is the only Iraqi worried about dying of natural causes."
Comedy writer Jim Barach: "Jimmy Carter ripped President Bush as the 'worst in history' for his foreign policy. Carter says Bush could be the worst president since himself."
Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show": "President Bush said we need to find a middle ground on immigration. We already have a middle ground. It's called Texas, Arizona and Southern California."
Comedy writer Jake Novak: "New evidence shows that Saddam Hussein's government paid al Jazeera TV $68,000 in 2002, although it's not clear if the money was for editorial favoritism or the premium satellite sports package."
Comedy writer Rob Bates: "Britain's outgoing prime minister, Tony Blair, went to Washington and praised President Bush, demonstrating once again why he's Britain's outgoing prime minister."
Michael Feldman, public radio's "Whad'Ya Know?": "The Senate's immigration bill allows Mexicans to leave the country. That'd be an emigration bill, wouldn't it?"
Comedy writer Pedro Bartes: "Michael Moore's new movie, 'Sicko,' is expected to make around $40 million at the U.S. box office. To make more overseas, producers are painting Moore green and calling it 'Shrek the Fourth.'"
Comedy writer Pedro Bartes: "After delivering a speech in Virginia, President [George W.] Bush surprised everyone when he suddenly stepped in and conducted the orchestra there to play music for his exit. Apparently, it's not enough for him to be the decider and the commander; he also wants to be the conductor-in-chief."
Bill Maher, "Real Time with Bill Maher": "Six bozos were going to attack the Army base at Fort Dix, N.J. But President Bush outsmarted them because, as we all know, every single American soldier is safely in Iraq."
Comedy writer Jim Barach: "Congress' approval rating is down to 35 percent - or, as President Bush calls it, 'a mandate.'"
Comedy writer Patrick Gorse: "Mayor Bloom-berg claims he has a strategy to win the presidency should he win the Republican nomination. Apparently, he tried it out during the 2004 GOP convention. Just prior to the election, you arrest all of the Democrats."
Conan O'Brien, "Late Night with Conan O'Brien": "The presidential campaign is heating up. Earlier today, Sen. Barack Obama was endorsed by the mayor of Newark. Afterwards, Obama told the Newark mayor, 'Thanks, but do you mind keeping this between us?'"
Michael Feldman, public radio's "Whad'Ya Know?": "George Steinbrenner pays $28 million for Roger Clemens, but that only comes to $100,000 a pound."
An old Jewish man lived alone in the country. He needed to plant his potato garden but the task was too daunting for the old man as the ground was hard. His only son, Sol, who used to help him dig, was in federal prison for Insider Trading and Stock Fraud. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Solly:
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love, Papa
A few days later, the old man received a letter from his son:
Dear Papa:
For heaven's sake Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the money & stocks.
Love, Solly
At 4:00 a.m. the next morning, a team of FBI agents and local police arrived at the old man's house and dug up the entire garden area without finding any money or stocks. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son:
Dear Papa:
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Conan O'Brien, "Late Night With Conan O'Brien": "The first Republican debate was held at the Reagan Presidential Library. The candidates tried to distance themselves from President Bush. Apparently, the first step in distancing yourself from President Bush is appearing at a library."
Comedy writer Patrick Gorse: "During the Republican debate, Rudy Giuliani shocked several pundits by saying he endorsed a woman's right to choose abortion. Rudy says this was a principled decision he made after his kids refused to campaign with him."
Comedy writer Alan Ray: "President Bush hosted Queen Elizabeth at the White House recently. Talk about an odd couple. One rules by aristocratic blood but has no influence on world or domestic affairs. The other is British."
Bill Maher, "Real Time With Bill Maher," on Barack Obama having Secret Service protection: "Of course, now comes the tough part: picking a Secret Service code name that Al Sharpton will not find racist."
Comedy writer Jake Novak: "A lawsuit filed by Dina McGreevey alleges that her estranged husband, former New Jersey Gov. Jim McGreevey, only proposed as a cold and calculated political act to cover up his homosexuality - as opposed to Bill Clinton, who only proposed as a cold and calculated political act to cover up his heterosexuality."
Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show," on the resignation of Randall Tobias, President Bush's person in charge of promoting abstinence, after admitting he hired women from a Washington, D.C., escort service: "When the White House heard about this scandal, they were relieved. Finally, a Republican caught in a sex scandal with a woman."
David Letterman, "Late Show with David Letterman": "Former CIA Director George Tenet has written a tell-all book. President Bush has not read the book yet. Well, boy, there's a surprise."
Conan O'Brien, "Late Night with Conan O'Brien": "Hillary Clinton says if she is elected president, she will use Bill Clinton as an ambassador because she 'can't think of a better cheerleader for America.' To which Bill Clinton said, 'I can think of 20, and I have their phone numbers.' "
Comedy writer Janice Hough: "Hillary Clinton has been making increasingly outlandish and unrealistic promises. For instance, yesterday she promised that, if elected president, she will fix the Yankees."
Comedy writer Jim Barach on golfer Byron Nelson receiving a Congressional Gold Medal: "I didn't know he had a part in starting the war in Iraq."
Comedy writer Alan Ray: "The ratings are way down for the Fox series '24.' In an upcoming episode, Jack Bauer will attempt to foil the ultimate terrorist plot: A network executive out to cancel the show."
