Jon Stewart, "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart," on Attorney General Alberto Gonzales' congressional testimony: "Alberto Gonzales doesn't know what happened, but he assures you what he doesn't remember was handled properly."
Conan O'Brien, "Late Night with Conan O'Brien": "President Bush met with the president of Peru. When the Peruvian president invited President Bush to visit Machu Picchu, Bush said, 'Great! I love Pokémon.'"
Comedy writer Patrick Gorse: "Donald Trump escorted his wife, Melania, to a benefit 'Wig Party' last week. Donald was allowed to attend the wig party on the condition that under no circumstances would he ever become a donor."
David Letterman, "Late Show with David Letterman": "Mayor Bloomberg has announced that he wants to plant a million trees in New York City. A million trees in New York City. Or as Donald Trump calls it, a blight on the landscape."
Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show": "Did you see who was at the White House Correspondents Dinner this past weekend? Sanjaya from 'American Idol.' He was a guest. In fact, Republican leaders made Alberto Gonzales sit next to Sanjaya as kind of a hint that maybe it was time to go."
Letterman on presidential hopeful John Edwards' $400 haircut: "But here's the worst part: Earlier tonight, Edwards hosted a dinner to raise money for a facial."
David Letterman, "Late Show With David Letterman": "Cold for spring isn't it? It was so cold up there at Yankee Stadium, the beer was cold."
Conan O'Brien, "Late Night With Conan O'Brien," on the 15 British hostages' claim that they were treated well and not tortured: "The hostages said, 'Not once were we forced to eat British food.'"
Comedy writer Jake Novak: "DNA tests show there is a 99.9999 percent chance that Larry Birkhead is the father of the late Anna Nicole Smith's baby, and a 100 percent chance he'll now be a guest on 'Larry King Live.'"
Comedy writer Pedro Bartes: "After Keith Richards' comments about snorting his father's ashes, Disney announced it won't be using him to promote the upcoming film 'Pirates of the Caribbean.' Disney executives said it is not that Richards might hurt the sale of the movie, but rather they are afraid he might use Walt Disney as ice in his vodka."
Comedy writer Patrick Gorse on Rudy Giuliani telling a crowd in South Carolina that he's an expert in foreign relations: "He said, 'My kids and their mothers are my closest relations, and they're all foreign to me now.' "
O'Brien on California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger's announcement that he's going to appear on the TV show "Pimp My Ride": "This is of course great news for fans of the show, but bad news for the guy who does the closed captioning."
Jon Stewart, "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart," on Karl Rove rapping at the Washington Correspondents' Dinner: "Let's say Jeffrey Dahmer came to your bar mitzvah and it turned out that he was a great dancer. He's still Jeffrey Dahmer."
Conan O'Brien, "Late Night with Conan O'Brien": "Rev. Al Sharpton announced yesterday he is not running for president. In a related story, nobody asked."
Comedy writer Patrick Gorse: "Recently, the Supreme Court ruled 5-4 in favor of forcing companies to enact clean air policies that help the environment and reduce greenhouse gases. You know the tide has turned when Supreme Court decisions start favoring Al Gore."
Comedy writer Janice Hough: "With back-to-back NCAA basketball championships, the Florida Gators now lay claim to being the No. 1 amateur team in the country. Unless, of course, you count the Bush administration."
Bill Maher on the latest "American Idol" controversy: "Sanjaya is apparently being kept on the show because there's a Web site called voteforthe worst.com, which urges the voters to vote for the worst possible choice. President Bush heard about it and said, 'Hey, it worked for me.'"
Comedy writer Pedro Bartes: "Connecticut police arrested a man who claimed to be Dick Cheney after a high-speed chase. The cops knew the man wasn't the vice president because he was driving a hybrid."
