I came across this a while ago, but it's still pretty funny...
LET’S TALK A BIT ABOUT THIS AIRLINE BAILOUT
This is a tough question for a dedicated libertarian. Should the government use its police power to seize money from taxpayers and transfer that money – partly as a gift and partly as a loan – to the airlines to keep them afloat?
It’s a tough question, and we’ll deal with it on the air and in the Nuze. One thing … to the extent that the airline problems are due to government actions, the government owes the airlines some compensation.
But … let’s face it. The airlines haven’t exactly been doing a lot to earn the undying love and gratitude of the American public. Let’s just say, for the sake of argument, that the taxpayers of America do step forward and bail out the airline industry. How about a few things in return?
Non-refundable, non-transferrable tickets. Come on, now. In any other area of our economy if a person purchases an item or a service and they find they can’t use it later on they can either (a) get their money back, (b) transfer the item or service to some other person or (c) set it aside to be used later without charge. But not with the airlines. Buy your ticket and find that you can’t use it and it’s “sorry, Charlie.” Make all airline tickets refundable up to 24 hours before departure, after that point they’re exchangeable. Make them transferable too.
Arrogance. Sorry, but it’s a fact. Many airlines and airline officials have adopted a position of complete arrogance toward the flying public. Think about it, folks. When is the last time an airline employee actually went out of their way, above and beyond the normal call of duty, to satisfy a complaint or address a special request. Try to get a bulkhead or an exit seat. Sorry, they’re gone. I don’t care if you make your reservations two years in advance, the bulkhead and exit seats are already gone. When you show up at the gate you overhear one of the precious frequent fliers ask for that seat and get an immediate “Yes sir! That’s available.” OK – if the taxpayers step the bulkhead seats go to the first person that asks for them. Ditto for exit seats, subject to an ability to actually open that door.
Screaming Babies You want my money to bail you out? Then how about a separate section of the airplane --- far in the back --- for travelers with screaming babies. Don’t mix them with the rest of the passengers who have probably been working hard and need a break. Also – no children under ten years of age in first class.
Carry-on Luggage Fine for the adults – within reason. But NOT FOR CHILDREN. We don’t care how much your child whines about wanting his or her own Big Bird or Buzz Lightyear rolling carry-on bag, the answer is NO. Just sit there and shut up until the flight is over.
Baggage claim We understand why you would want to be careful about what bags get on your airplanes. When you take that bag off at the end of the flight it’s no longer your worry, it’s ours. Get the pilots and flight attendants to help you unload the airplane if you have to --- but get the damned bags to baggage claim NOW! Not tomorrow. Forty-five minutes is too long to wait. If you want us to stop packing everything we own into carry-on bags you need to find a way to reunite us with our luggage quickly.
Better snacks and food. This sky-deli crap has to go. A terrorist could slip a hard-boiled egg or a broccoli spear in there. Just come down the aisle with a wagon full of Krystal cheeseburgers and a vat of chili and everything will be fine.
Fleshy Fliers An absolute ban on men wearing tank tops or shorts on commercial airliners. If an overweight grotesquely hairy blubber-butt shows up in a tank top he shall be treated as a security risk and arrested. The airlines can solve this problem by having tyvek overalls on hand for these people to wear. On the back of the overalls will be printed the words “I came to the airport looking like a fat pig and all I got was these damn overalls.”
That damned Saturday night stay. Where the hell did this nonsense come from? Why do you care whether or not we stay over a Saturday night? Do you get a commission from the hotels? When we want to come home, let us come home. Don’t make us stay in a strange city away from our loved ones for an extra night if we don’t want too.
Wide-open stand-by If I have a ticket to fly from Phoenix to Cincinnati you should let me get on any airplane I want to so long as there is an empty seat and the aircraft isn’t over gross. Hey, I paid for the ticket --- why should I have to sit six extra hours in the airport while a plane to my destination takes off with an empty seat just because my ticket is for a later flight. Either way, you get a butt in a seat and money for a ticket. Oh --- and no charge for changing either.
Just be honest. Is my flight going to be on time? If I walk up to the gate and see a departure time of 8:30 on the sign – and it’s 8:15 and I can plainly see that there’s no plane at the gate, don’t tell me the flight is going to be on time. It isn’t going to be on time. It’s going to be late – and there are people I need to call to let them know. No more of these “eat dog waste and die a horrible death” looks from the gate agents and obnoxious “It says 8:30, doesn’t it?” responses when I ask how long the delay is going to be.
I don’t WANT to pull my seatback up yet. OK, I know why I have to put away my tray table and pull my seatback to its full upright and locked position on takeoff and landing. It’s so people can get out of the airplane in an emergency, right? And to keep people from being hurt when Captain Kangaroo lands a little rough. Fine. I’ll go along with it. But don’t send the Gestapo down the aisle barking at me about my seat backs when we’re headed for Atlanta and the airplane is over Birmingham. Tell us to pull our seat backs up when the gear goes down. That ought to do it.
Non-reclining seats There is no more uncomfortable space on this planed which is designed for occupancy by a human being than those damned seats on airliners that won’t recline. These are the seats with an exit row right behind them. Anyone riding in these seats should get a voucher for a free first-class upgrade on a space available basis for their next flight.
Free headphones Simple enough. Those people in the seats are paying taxes to bail your asses out of some pretty stupid financial decisions. Give them free headphones – and an audio channel for The Best of Boortz.
Cell Phones I’m still not convinced that cell phones screw with the navigation system. Doesn’t happen on my airplane. Let the passengers use the cell phones. They used them on those hijacked flights and we didn’t see any navigation problems there, did we? Seems to me the navigation was rather good.
Class Warfare boarding. Now I understand why you like to board the airplane from the rear forward. Great. But the entire purpose of this exercise is defeated if you give your precious Super-Platinum-Diamond-Gold Medal frequent flying passengers a head start on everyone else. I don’t care how many frequent flier miles they have. I’m paying for my ticket (and for your bailout) and they are on expense accounts. Go look at the way Southwest boards their airplanes. Do it that way.
Attractive Flight Attendants. Two words. Singapore Air. Oh, and can we slim some of them down too? On a recent flight I had an aisle seat. I got the hell beat out of me every time the flight attendant walked by. Look, if they have to go up and down the aisles sideways like a huge crab they probably should be given a desk job somewhere --- with a very sturdy chair.
Frequent flier miles. All frequent flier miles should be equal. Some grunt with just enough frequent flier miles probably worked a lot harder to earn those miles than some Super-Gold-Titanium Frequent Flier did – and paid for the miles with his own money to boot. No black-out periods for just some of your customers. Treat them all the same.
Christmas is one day, same day every year. December 25.
Jews love Dec. 25th. It's another paid day off work. We go to movies and out for Chinese food, and Israeli dancing. Chanukah is eight days. It starts the evening of the 24th of Kislev, whenever that falls. No one is ever sure. Jews never know until a non-Jewish friend asks when Chanukah starts, forcing us to consult a calendar so we don't look like idiots. We all have the same calendar, provided free with a donation from either the World Jewish Congress, the kosher butcher, or the local Sinai Memorial Chapel (especially in Florida).
Christmas is a major holiday. Chanukah is a minor holiday with the same theme as most Jewish holidays.They tried to kill us, we survived, let's eat!!
Christians get wonderful presents such as jewelry, perfume, stereos... Jews get practical presents such as underwear, socks, or a the collected works of the Rambam which looks impressive on the bookshelf.
There is only one way to spell Christmas. No one can decide how to spell Chanuka, Chanukah, Chanukka, Channukah, Hanukah, Hannuka.
Christmas is a time of great pressure for husbands and boy friends. Their partners expect special gifts. Jewish men are relieved of that burden. No one expects a diamond ring on Chanukah.
Christmas brings enormous electric bills. Candles are used for Chanukah. Not only are we spared enormous electric bills, but we get to feel good about not contributing to the energy crisis.
Christmas carols are beautiful. Silent Night, Come o Ye Faithful. Chanukah songs are about dreidels made from clay or about having a party and dancing the horah. Of course, we are secretly pleased that many of the beautiful carols were composed and written by our tribal brethren. And don't Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond sing them beautifully?
A home preparing for Christmas smells wonderful. The sweet smell of cookies and cakes baking. Happy people are gathered around in festive moods. A home preparing for Chanukah smells of oil, potatoes and onions. The home, as always, is full of loud people all talking at once.
Christian women have fun baking Christmas cookies. Jewish women burn their eyes and cut their hands grating potatoes and onions for latkes on Chanukah. Another reminder of our suffering through the ages.
Parents deliver gifts to their children during Christmas. Jewish parents have no qualms about withholding a gift any of the eight nights.
The players in the Christmas story have easy to pronounce names such as Mary, Joseph and Jesus. The players in the Chanukah story are Antiochus, Judah, Maccabee, and Matta whatever. No one can spell it or pronounce it. On the plus side, we can tell our friends anything and they believe we are wonderfully versed in our history.
In recent years, Christmas has become more and more commercialized. The same holds true for Chanukah, even though it is a minor holiday. It makes sense. How could we market a major holiday such as Yom Kippur? Forget about celebrating. Think observing. Come to synagogue, starve yourself for 27 hours, become one with your dehydrated soul, beat your chest, confess your sins, a guaranteed good time for you and your family. Tickets a mere $200 per person. OY!!
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?
In case you've ever wondered why ignorance rises to the executive level, or why professional athletes are so well paid, here is a simple explanation that is also mathematical proof:
Given: Knowledge is Power Time is Money
And, as every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time
If Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, then: Knowledge = Work / Money
Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge
Thus, Money approaches infinity as Knowledge approaches zero, regardless of the Work done.
What this means is: The Less you Know, the More you Make!
THE BRAIN SAID : Since I control everything and do all the work I should be boss.
THE FEET SAID: Since I carry man where he wants to go and get him to do what the Brain wants, I should be boss.
THE HANDS SAID: Since I must do all the work and earn all the money to keep all the rest of you going, I should be boss.
THE EYES SAID: Since I must look out for all of you and tell you where danger lurks, I should be boss.
And so it went with the Heart, the Ears, and the Lungs.
Finally the Asshole spoke up and demanded that he be boss. All the other parts laughed and laughed at the idea of an asshole being boss.
The Asshole was so angered that he blocked himself off and refused to function. Soon the Brain was feverish, the Eyes crossed and ached, the Feet were too weak to walk, the Hands hung limply at his side, the Heart and Lungs struggled to keep going.
All pleaded with the Brain to relent and let the Asshole be boss, and so it happened. All the other parts did all the work and the Asshole just bossed and passed out a lot of shit.
MORAL: You don't have to be a brain to be boss, just an Asshole.
1. President of the largest steel company? 2. President of the largest gas company? 3. President of the New York Stock Exchange? 4. The greatest wheat speculator? 5. President of the Bank of International Settlement? 6. The great Bear of Wall Street?
These men should be considered some of the world's most successful men" at least they found the secret of making money. Now more than 65 years later, do you know what became of these men?
1. The president of the largest steel company, Schwab, died a pauper. 2. The president of the largest gas company, Howard Hopson, is insane. 3. The president of the New York Stock Exchange, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home. 4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooper, died abroad, insolvent. 5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement shot himself. 6. The great Bear of Wall Street, Mr. C. Riverhore, committed suicide.
That same year, 1923, the winner of the most important golf championship, Gene Sarazen, won the U.S. Open and PGA Tournament. Today he is still playing and he's solvent.
Conclusion: Stop worrying about business and play golf!!!!
A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil', she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, 'What gender is a computer?'
The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because: 1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot data, but are still clueless. 3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
As a result of the merger, immediate steps are being implemented to reduce the number of personnel on the payroll. It is our intention to reduce the number of older employees and retain the younger lower-paid employees through this program.
This program to phase out older personnel through early retirement will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Employees who are RAPED will be given the opportunity to look for other jobs outside the company. Also, if they are being RAPED, they can request review of their employment records before actual retirement. This phase of the program is called SCREWED (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).
All employees who have been RAPED and SCREWED may file an appeal to upper management. This will be called SHAFT (Study by the Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of this new policy, employees may be RAPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedures, he/she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retirement Personnel for Early Severance). Since HERPES is considered a benefit of the plan, any employee who has received HERPES will no longer be RAPED or SCREWED.
The company wishes to assure the younger employees who remain that the company will continue its policy to ensure that employees are well trained through our SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) program. The company takes pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any other company in the world. However, if an employee feels that he/she does not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trainied to make sure that you receive all the SHIT that you can stand.
At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney general John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult,", Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval evil with coordinates in every country."
"As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to every triangle," Ashcroft declared. When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."
"I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence," the President said, adding: "Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line."
President Bush warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scale never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor in random facts of vertex."
Attorney General Ashcroft said, "As our Great Leader would say, read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertainty of: though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens around their necks."
I'm a customer of Sprint, and while they might have the best deals on service, they are pretty much the same as the rest of the cell companies in terms of providing terrible customer service. For a while now, I've been concerned over there complete and total disregard for customer's account security, and finally, after emailing and calling them regarding my concerns, I decided to send an email to The Consumerist to see if they could assist.
Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show": "Supreme Court Justice Scalia's daughter was arrested in Illinois for DUI and child endangerment. She says she's gonna fight it all the way to the Supreme Court."
Comedy writer Pedro Bartes: "Majority Leader Harry Reid told CNN's 'Late Edition' that the war in Iraq was the worst foreign policy mistake in the history of this country. Not to be outdone, President Bush promised he'd top that by attacking Iran."
Bill Maher, "Real Time with Bill Maher" on same: "[The president] said the Iranians are sending weapons into Iraq. He's sure it's reliable intelligence, because this time he was in the room when they made it up."
Conan O'Brien, "Late Night with Conan O'Brien": "The latest political rumor is that if Hillary Clinton wins the presidency, she will be replaced in the Senate by her husband, Bill Clinton. When asked about it, Bill Clinton said, 'I dream of replacing Hillary every day.'"
Leno on Presidents Day: "We honor presidents ranging from George Washington, who couldn't tell a lie, to George Bush, who couldn't tell the truth, and Bill Clinton, who couldn't tell the difference."
David Letterman, "Late Show with David Letterman": "This guy in Long Island is dead, and he's been watching TV for a year, and the TV is still blaring away. The neighbors and friends first became suspicious when they realized he sat through an entire episode of Dr. Phil."
Comedy writer Jim Barach: "Russian President Vladimir Putin accused the United States of creating an arms race that could lead to another cold war. To which President Bush agreed, saying a cold war was his plan to end global warming."
Conan O'Brien, "Late Night With Conan O'Brien": "Over the weekend, Sen. Barack Obama announced he's running for president. [He] gave a speech in front of thousands of people in Iowa. During the speech, Obama pointed out his family in the crowd, which was unnecessary since he was in Iowa."
Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show": "The Dixie Chicks won five Grammys. I don't want to say President Bush was upset, but today he tried to get the Supreme Court to overturn the ballot results."
Comedy writer Jake Novak on North Korea's tentatively agreeing to close down its nuclear weapons program in exchange for energy aid: "They realized that having nuclear weapons labs means nothing if you can't afford to heat the building that houses them."
Leno on Lincoln's birthday: "Lincoln once said, 'A house divided against itself cannot stand.' A very famous quote later proved wrong by the Clintons."
Barach on criticism that New York City police are increasing stops and frisks, patting down people on the street: "They are just preparing them for riding the subways."
This might be a bit ahead of its time, but I am willing to bet it will be widely embraced within a few years. Anyway, for those of you interested in being able to send and/or receive money using just your cell phone, check it out: Send and receive money with your cell phone
So I've recently encountered a very cool site called The Consumerist that basically is a great resource for consumers. I would definitely recommend everyone check it out...
So who here uses Craigslist? Well, I do...and that's all that really matters. Craigslist is a pretty cool resource: for buying, for selling, and for a lot of other purposes too. However, there are some areas where it does have its shortcomings, and that's where these other sites come in handy:
listpic - A site that lets you view listings on Craigslist that have photos, but in a manner where you can see thumbnails of all the photos for a particular category easily without having to click on each listing. It's organized the same way Craigslist is, and you can do most of the same things, such as search, etc.
crazedlist - A site that lets you search multiple craigslist locations at once. For those of you who aren't familiar, Craigslist is broken down into different communities based on geographical regions (i.e. NJ, Manhattan, etc.) and the basic idea is that you stay within your community Craigslist site. This is all well and good for the most part, unless you live somewhere with a lot of different geographical Craigslist communities within a relatively close distance of each other and want to be able to search on all of them. That's where crazedlist comes in handy...
I know, I know...this is usually the title of an email or advertisement attempting to scam you into signing up for some type of paid service, but in this case it's an article about actual ways you can get free copies of your credit report. Courtesy of MyMoneyBlog:
4 More Ways To Get A Free Credit Report
I think the media in general has been pretty successful about promoting AnnualCreditReport.com, the official government-mandated source of free credit reports. I checked all mine last March. But what happens when it hasn’t been 12 months yet but you need to check again? Do you try one of those free trial gimmicks and remember to cancel in time?
Not so fast! There are several more ways to get a free credit report without having to use up all your freebies:
1) You were denied credit, insurance, or a job due to information on your credit report. A notice stating which credit bureau supplied the report should be included in your letter of denial. You then have 60 days to request a free copy of your report from them. 2) You are unemployed. You’re also entitled to one free report a year if you’re unemployed and plan to look for a job within 60 days. 3) You are on welfare. 4) You believe yourself to be a victim of identity theft. Perhaps you recently found a suspicious transaction, or lost your wallet. Have you shopped at TJ Maxx or Marshall’s since 2003? Place a fraud alert on your file, and then ask for a free copy of your credit report.
Here are the numbers you’ll need:
* Equifax: 800-685-1111; Fraud Dept. 800-525-6285 * Experian: 888-397-3742 (same for Fraud Dept.) * Trans Union: 800-916-8800; Fraud Dept. 800-680-7289
Comedy writer Pedro Bartes: "Investigators say tens of millions of dollars have been wasted in Iraq reconstruction aid, with some going toward an Olympic-size swimming pool ordered up by Iraqi officials. President Bush apologized and said that the pool was actually meant for the victims of Hurricane Katrina."
Conan O'Brien, "Late Night With Conan O'Brien": "This week at a fashion show in Rome, a line of dresses were introduced that feature huge pictures of Hillary Clinton's face. When he heard this, Bill Clinton said, 'Finally, Hillary's face on another woman's body.'"
Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show": "Joe Biden, on the day of announcing his candi- dacy for president of the United States, called Barack Obama 'the first main- stream African-American who is articulate, bright and clean.' I think we've seen the shortest presidential campaign in history."
Comedy writer Rob Bates: "Courtney Love recently said she had been contacted to appear on 'American Idol' as a judge. This would be a departure from her usual role of appearing before a judge."
O'Brien on Indianapolis Colts coach Tony Dungy becoming the first African-American coach to win the Super Bowl: "President Bush called to congratulate him. There was an awkward moment when Bush said, 'I also thought you were great in the halftime show.'"
It seems to me that Mac's are really starting to beat up on PC's in their commercials. If this were a political race, it would seem that Mac's were going "negative" against PC's first...I wonder if that's because Mac's are starting to get worried that PC's are overwhelming them, or for some other reason. Take a look at the most recent commercial to see what I mean:
Kinda a cool site...converts typed text to speech in different voices and languages, with an interactive computer-animated face that mimics talking and even follows your cursor:
Last night, I went into NYC to meet up with some friends. As I usually do, I parked my car in Harrison and hopped on the NJ PATH (Port Authority Trans-Hudson) train to get into the city. The ride in was uneventful, and I had a nice time in the city. Coming home was another story.
Things were going fine (except for the freezing cold temperatures and my unfortunate lack of heavy clothes) until I hit Journal Square station in Jersey city. Here, I have to change trains to a Newark-bound one in order to get to Harrison. Usually, this just involves crossing the platform and waiting for a few minutes until the other train showed up. Unfortunately, it was about 2:30 AM and I guess because of the late hour, the train took a while to show up. In the meantime, a group of younger kids (probably in their late teens/early 20's) who were obviously drunk were being loud and noisy behind me. However, they didn't seem to be doing any harm, so I just ignored them.
The train finally did show up, and I got on board. Usually, the place where I was standing on the platform allows me to get on a car in the center, but once again probably due to the late hour, I ended up getting on the last train car. Also getting into the same car were the group of loud and drunk kids, a family consisting of an older man and woman and his son (a pretty big guy) and daugher, and numerous other passengers. Now, here's where it get's "interesting."
About a minute or two into the ride, some kind of exchange took place between the family I mentioned and the drunk kids. All of a sudden, a fight broke out between the family and the younger drunk kids, and it got pretty intense. I think only a few people were truly "fighting" but they were really going at it and the rest of each side were just trying to break it up and separate the fighting people, but because of the fact that most of them were drunk, they didn't do a good job keeping them apart and the fight kept going. Soon, it pretty much turned into a big pile of people just being thrown around the inside of the car. They definitely slammed into me a bunch of times and I finally managed to move past them and get to the other side of the car where most of the other bystanders were just watching (there were a few innocent bystanders at the end of the car where I had previously been and where the heavy fighting was going on who definitely got knocked into numerous times throughout this whole ordeal). A few of the bystanders were actually video-taping or taking pictures of the fight using their cell phones.
Somehow, a few minutes into the fight, the conductor got wind of it (even though in our train car or the next one) and showed up. However, the fight was still going on and he didn't attempt to break it up much. He simply said something along the lines of "I'm going to take care of business" and left. Now, we didn't know it at that time (we found out a little while later), but the conductor actually locked the train door behind him, effectively locking all of us innocent bystanders in with the group of people who were still fighting!!! How ridiculous is that?!?!
Anyway, the train pulls to stop a short while later, before arriving at the Harrison station, and it is clear this is related to the fight. Also, I believe there were definitely blinking alarm lights in the train cars that went off for a bit. We stay stopped for a few minutes, and then get going again, but we completely bypass the Harrison stop (where I need to get off - at this time its probably like 3 AM already) and head straight for Newark. We finally get to Newark, and of course, all the other train cars are opened up for people to get off if they please (or stay since they still need to take us back to Harrison for those who need to get off there), but our train car stays closed.
Finally, the police show up, and they open one of the doors leading to the platform (the one nearest those who were fighting, who by this time have finally stopped). At this point, a good amount of the bystanders make a beeline for the door (which takes them right past the police and the people who were fighting) and are let off. However, me and 2 other guys stay because we figure we need to get back to Harrison and the police will probably take the people who were fighting off and we can just head back there in this train car. Little did we know that the police spend the next 15 or so minutes doing what looks to be very little, completely ignoring us, and holding up the train. Finally, I go up to one of the police officers and ask what we should do, and at first he tells me to get off the train car, and then tells me to just go back and wait on the other side. Another few minutes go by, and me and the other two guys decide we've finally had enough and leave the train car (the police let us out). Outside the car is a few PATH personnel, including the conductor who locked us in the car, and we ask where to go to get back to Harrison. We are instructed to just get on another train car and as soon as the police are done, they will head back to Harrison.
We get on another car, and wait for at least another 10 minutes before the police finally escort the people who were fighting off the train and we pull out and head back to Harrison. All in all, I don't think I got to Harrison until at least 3:45 AM (give or take), so what should have been a 6 or 7 minute train ride turned into a much longer ordeal.
Luckily, I don't think anyone got really hurt, but I am really annoyed that I was locked in a train car with a bunch of dangerous people who were fighting. What if one of them had a knife or a gun or some other weapon...?? If that is the policy of the PATH, then they need to seriously re-consider their policy, because I do not like to be put in harm's way, and that's exactly what was done to me.
Also, while I didn't take any pictures of the actual fight, I did finally take a few pictures after the police showed up. Check them out:
As many of you probably know, I try to be an advocate for myself and others against big companies and corporations that try to take advantage of consumers (well, mostly for myself, but I do try to help others now and again ;). Anyway, an article was recently passed on to me and I thought it had a really good tactic for dealing with big companies:
4. DON'T FEAR GOLIATH
Remember this: If you're getting nowhere with customer service, call Investor Relations or the Sales Department. Both are trained to make happy customers, rather than just make them go away.
It's harder to pull a Dirty Harry with a big corporation than it is with a local company. Losing a dozen customers doesn't hugely impact a business that does thousands of transactions every day. You can get what you deserve from a megacorp; it just takes a slightly different approach. Here's one strategy.
My friend Tonya phoned me one afternoon. Her phone company (I'll call it Universal Cellular, or UC) had been hassling her for months over a $200 billing error. She gave me the details, and I said I'd look into it.
I logged on to the Internet, scanned the company's website, and found the Investor Relations contact info and the stock symbol. Next, I clicked over to my stockbroker's site and purchased ten shares of UC for 60 bucks. Now I was a proud stockholder—an owner—of the company that was giving my friend such a hard time.
I called the UC Investor Relations Department. A sparrow-voiced woman named Felicia answered the phone.
I introduced myself, told her about Tonya, and concluded, "As a stockholder, I'm concerned that we treat our customers fairly. I am appalled by problems my friend has had with a simple billing dispute."
"I'm very sorry," she said. "I assure you, we value all members of the UC family, whether stockholder or customer."
"I'm sure you do, Felicia," I said. "However, this has upset me so much that I've decided to exercise my stockholder right to attend the annual meeting, stand at the microphone, and let the chairman of the board know—"
She cut me off.
"That won't be necessary," Felicia said nervously. "I'm sure we can fix this. Is there a number where I can reach you in a few minutes?" I hung up, knowing she'd get back to me with good news.
Why was I so confident?
No one in the Investor Relations Department of a major corporation wants a crazed minor stockholder making an appearance at the well-choreographed annual meeting. If an analyst learned that UC's customers were less than happy, it could negatively impact the stock price. I was counting on UC to make the wise business decision—credit the $200 and avoid a scene.
My phone rang ten minutes later. It was Felicia. "Your friend's been taken care of," she said. "Thank you for bringing this to our attention."
I hung up the phone and returned to my brokerage account. UC was up 60 cents on the day. I sold the ten shares. Tonya was straightened out, and I'd made six bucks.
The moral of the story is that even with big business, you can get to the top quickly. If no one responded to your fax to Customer Service, fax the CEO. As unlikely as it sounds, bigwigs' personal fax numbers are often available on the Web. Type in the executive officer's name, in quotes, and "fax" in the search window. I once found the home-office number of a Fortune 500 president this way. At the top of almost every corporation there's a guy or gal who wants his or her customers treated fairly and is appalled by the runaround they've been given by the peons in middle management.
Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show," on House Speaker Nancy Pelosi's surprise visit to Iraq: "President Bush said he was against setting any timetables for Pelosi to return. He said to bring her back prematurely would send the wrong message."
Michael Feldman, public radio's "Whad 'Ya Know?": "An aircraft carrier has been dispatched to the coast of Iran as a warning the president could fly in and declare victory at any time."
Conan O'Brien, "Late Night With Conan O'Brien": "Yesterday, on a campaign trip, Hillary Clinton suggested that she knows how to deal with evil and bad men like Osama bin Laden, because she had to put up with her husband. Which explains why Hillary wants to look for bin Laden at the nearest Hooters."
Comedy writer Jake Novak: "The Army Corps of Engineers has just identified ' levees nationwide that it says pose an unacceptable risk of failing in a major flood. Vice President Cheney is calling the report 'hogwash,' and 'a major blow to morale in our war against hurricanes.' "
O'Brien on Prince Charles' visit: "He went up to Harlem and played basketball. Spectators said it was the worst display of an obscenely rich non-athlete playing basketball since the Knicks game the night before."
Feldman on the FDA's approval of placebo birth control pills: "Still only one approved birth control method for men: marriage."
Mr. and Mrs. Fenton are retired, and Mrs. Fenton insists her husband go with her to Wal-Mart. He gets very bored with all the shopping trips. He prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Fenton loves to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton gets this letter from Wal-Mart:
Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban both of you from our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. All complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below.
* June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
* July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
* July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in house wares..... and watched what happened.
* August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
* September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
* September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
* September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
* October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
* November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
* December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission impossible" theme.
* December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
* December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
* December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
And last, but not least...
* December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
