David Letterman, "Late Show With David Letterman": "Dennis Kucinich says he once saw a UFO. I'm thinking to myself, 'Saw one? My God, it looks like he's been riding one.'"
Comedy writer Jim Barach: "John McCain says his opponents aren't qualified to be president because they haven't served in the military. His opponents point out the White House has been occupied by draft evaders since 1992."
Bill Maher, "Real Time With Bill Maher," on State Department personnel being forced to serve in Iraq: "People at the State Department are revolting about this because they say it's dangerous over there. ... President Bush is furious. He said, 'If you didn't want to go to a war zone, you shouldn't have joined the State Department. You should have joined the Texas Air National Guard.'"
Comedy writer Janice Hough: "Stephen Colbert has lost his bid to be on the ballot in South Carolina because state Democrats say you have to be a viable candidate to be included in the primary. No word on when they plan on breaking the news to Joe Biden, Christopher Dodd and Mike Gravel."
Comedy writer Alan Ray: "The Senate will approve Michael Mukasey as attorney general. Key Democrats are willing to overlook his past statements on torture as waterboarding under the bridge."
Barach on the death of Washoe, the first chimpanzee to learn sign language: "Her last words were, 'Why did you give me such a stupid name?'"
