Comedy writer Pedro Bartes: "Vice President Dick Cheney is asserting that his office is not actually part of the executive branch. How bad are things going for the Bush administration that even the vice president pretends he has nothing to do with it?"
Conan O'Brien, "Late Night with Conan O'Brien": "Hillary Clinton has a new campaign ad that spoofs 'The Sopranos' finale. In the ad, she orders carrot sticks at a diner, then switches the jukebox to a Celine Dion song. Hillary's calling the ad a lot of fun, and Bill is calling it a chilling window into his personal hell."
Comedy writer Janice Hough: "Republican Senator Richard Lugar said that President Bush's Iraq strategy is not working. He also suggested that Lindsay Lohan is a troubled young woman, Dennis Kucinich will not win the Democratic presidential nomination and the Yankees might not make it to this year's World Series."
Comedy writer Jake Novak: "A judge on Monday ruled in favor of a dry cleaner that was sued for $54 million over a missing pair of pants. The plaintiff says he will appeal, just as soon as his finishes his $600 million lawsuit against Snickers for not being packed with peanuts and failing to 'really satisfy.' "
Jon Stewart, "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart," on Mayor Michael Bloom-berg's leaving the Republican Party: "This act thoroughly decimates the elfin, effete and Jewish wing of the Republican Party."
Bartes on Paris Hilton's claim she spent her time in prison reading the Bible: "That is why she decided to give her first interview to Larry King. She wanted him to tell her what Moses was really like."
