Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show": "Joint Chiefs of Staff Chairman Peter Pace is leaving his job. He's the one who announced that all homosexual acts are immoral, and so is adultery. No wonder he left. He attacked all the members of Congress."
Comedy writer Jim Barach: "Paris Hilton is reportedly not sleeping or eating while in jail. So it looks like she has really made herself at home after all."
Comedy writer Patrick Gorse: "President Bush said today that immigration is good for America. In fact, he'd like to see a lot of Albanians enter the country."
Comedy writer Jake Novak: "While police are warning parents about a deadly mix of heroin and barbiturates coming out of Texas known as 'cheese heroin' that sells for about $2 a hit, there's apparently an even more addictive item coming out of Texas called 'petroleum' that's currently selling for about $3.50 a hit."
Conan O'Brien, "Late Night With Conan O'Brien": "At the G-8 Summit, Russian President Vladimir Putin offered to let President Bush build a missile defense system in Azerbaijan. There was an awkward moment when Bush said, 'I believe the correct pronunciation is 'Abracadabra.'"
Comedy writer Alan Ray: "The late President Gerald Ford will appear on a stamp in August. You know why they won't ever put Hillary Clinton on postage? She never sticks to anything."
