Bill Maher, "Real Time with Bill Maher": "The Iraq funding bill that set a date for troop withdrawal, that's all gone by the wayside. The Democrats just backed down, as they always do, but they did it with flair this time. They met on an aircraft carrier, and they had a big banner that said 'Mission Abandoned!' "
Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show": "Rudy Giuliani has been paying his wife $10,000 a month to help write his speeches. That's every wife's dream, isn't it? To put words in your husband's mouth and get paid for it."
Comedy writer Pedro Bartes: "Hillary Clinton's deputy campaign manager suggested that she bypass the Iowa caucuses and focus on later contests in the nomination fight. He came to that conclusion after he heard her Iowan accent."
Conan O'Brien, "Late Night with Conan O'Brien": "This week Dick Cheney's daughter Mary and her partner, Heather, had a baby boy. Afterwards, Dick Cheney teared up and said, 'I've been asking her to bring a boy home for 30 years.' "
Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg: "New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg announced that he wants the city's taxis to be converted to gas-electric hybrids by 2012. By 2020 he wants them to be totally running off cab driver fumes."
Comedy writer Jake Novak: "Lindsay Lohan is back in rehab. In a cruel twist of fate, the roads are finally safe again but no one can afford gas."
