Comedy writer Pedro Bartes: "After delivering a speech in Virginia, President [George W.] Bush surprised everyone when he suddenly stepped in and conducted the orchestra there to play music for his exit. Apparently, it's not enough for him to be the decider and the commander; he also wants to be the conductor-in-chief."
Bill Maher, "Real Time with Bill Maher": "Six bozos were going to attack the Army base at Fort Dix, N.J. But President Bush outsmarted them because, as we all know, every single American soldier is safely in Iraq."
Comedy writer Jim Barach: "Congress' approval rating is down to 35 percent - or, as President Bush calls it, 'a mandate.'"
Comedy writer Patrick Gorse: "Mayor Bloom-berg claims he has a strategy to win the presidency should he win the Republican nomination. Apparently, he tried it out during the 2004 GOP convention. Just prior to the election, you arrest all of the Democrats."
Conan O'Brien, "Late Night with Conan O'Brien": "The presidential campaign is heating up. Earlier today, Sen. Barack Obama was endorsed by the mayor of Newark. Afterwards, Obama told the Newark mayor, 'Thanks, but do you mind keeping this between us?'"
Michael Feldman, public radio's "Whad'Ya Know?": "George Steinbrenner pays $28 million for Roger Clemens, but that only comes to $100,000 a pound."
