David Letterman, "Late Show With David Letterman": "Cold for spring isn't it? It was so cold up there at Yankee Stadium, the beer was cold."
Conan O'Brien, "Late Night With Conan O'Brien," on the 15 British hostages' claim that they were treated well and not tortured: "The hostages said, 'Not once were we forced to eat British food.'"
Comedy writer Jake Novak: "DNA tests show there is a 99.9999 percent chance that Larry Birkhead is the father of the late Anna Nicole Smith's baby, and a 100 percent chance he'll now be a guest on 'Larry King Live.'"
Comedy writer Pedro Bartes: "After Keith Richards' comments about snorting his father's ashes, Disney announced it won't be using him to promote the upcoming film 'Pirates of the Caribbean.' Disney executives said it is not that Richards might hurt the sale of the movie, but rather they are afraid he might use Walt Disney as ice in his vodka."
Comedy writer Patrick Gorse on Rudy Giuliani telling a crowd in South Carolina that he's an expert in foreign relations: "He said, 'My kids and their mothers are my closest relations, and they're all foreign to me now.' "
O'Brien on California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger's announcement that he's going to appear on the TV show "Pimp My Ride": "This is of course great news for fans of the show, but bad news for the guy who does the closed captioning."
