Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg: "New York has agreed to allow trans-gendered people to use any bathroom they want at subway stations. This is unbelievable - people in New York use subway bathrooms?"
Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show:" "Do you believe how self-destructive this Congress has become? This upcoming election is not an election, it's an intervention."
Comedy writer Jim Barach: "The U.S. now has 300 million people. We should reach 400 million by 2043. Researchers say by then one out of four white Americans will be elderly, and one out of four citizens will be Hispanic. In other words, we will turn into the United States of Miami."
Kaseberg on the World Series: "The last time the St. Louis Cardinals and the Detroit Tigers were in the World Series was 1968. Things were a lot different back then: The Rolling Stones were on tour, Jack Nicholson had a hit movie, and we were embroiled in an unpopular war."
Comedy writer Jake Novak, on Sen. Hillary Clinton's election foe John Spencer's telling a reporter she had "millions of dollars" in plastic surgery: "If it were true, those doctors would have a heck of a malpractice suit on their hands."
Conan O'Brien: "A consumer watch group has released its annual list of the most dangerous Halloween costumes. Apparently, the most dangerous thing for kids to wear this year is a congressional page blazer."
The boss narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision, they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hang-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.
The Boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off."
"Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like shit."
A really interesting article on what would happen if all the people on the planet just up and disappeared tomorrow:
Humans are undoubtedly the most dominant species the Earth has ever known. In just a few thousand years we have swallowed up more than a third of the planet's land for our cities, farmland and pastures. By some estimates, we now commandeer 40 per cent of all its productivity. And we're leaving quite a mess behind: ploughed-up prairies, razed forests, drained aquifers, nuclear waste, chemical pollution, invasive species, mass extinctions and now the looming spectre of climate change. If they could, the other species we share Earth with would surely vote us off the planet.
Now just suppose they got their wish. Imagine that all the people on Earth - all 6.5 billion of us and counting - could be spirited away tomorrow, transported to a re-education camp in a far-off galaxy. (Let's not invoke the mother of all plagues to wipe us out, if only to avoid complications from all the corpses). Left once more to its own devices, Nature would begin to reclaim the planet, as fields and pastures reverted to prairies and forest, the air and water cleansed themselves of pollutants, and roads and cities crumbled back to dust.
Comedy writer Pedro Bartes: "With the midterm elections around the corner, Republican strategists have decided to pull money from places where they are losing, giving critics of the Iraq war false hope."
Jon Stewart, "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart": "This weekend Ohio Republican Bob Ney pled guilty to (Jack) Abramoff-related bribery and corruption charges...Ney asked for leniency in sentencing because he says he has a drinking problem. If you're keeping score at home, that now makes alcohol responsible for corruption, anti-Semitism and homosexual pedophilia."
Michael Feldman, public radio's "Whad 'Ya Know?": "The Bush administration announced a boycott of North Korean products. Expect a shortage of pea-sized gravel this winter."
Comedy writer Jim Barach: "Baseball announcer Steve Lyons was fired by Fox Sports for his racially insensitive comments about Lou Pinella during a game. He was immediately rehired by Fox News."
Comedy writer Janice Hough: "Time magazine's cover story on Barack Obama annointed him the Democrat's new 'rock star,' although some people think the 45-year-old is too young to be president. Actually, given the recent success of the Rolling Stones, Paul McCartney and Madonna, I'd say Obama's also too young to be a rock star."
Stupid burglars accept texted ransom offer for stolen cellphone
Sometimes people really do get what's coming to them. Brothers Jared and Cooper Colwell and two other men were sleeping at their home in Midvale, Utah last Tuesday, when a pair of ski-masked crooks busted into the house and demanded everyone's cash, wallets, and cellphones. Sounds like your typical home invasion, except for the fact that Jared thought he recognized one of the burglar's voices -- it sounded like a friend of theirs named Randall Talbot who had previously crashed at their pad for a few weeks. Figuring they had nothing to lose, the men texted Jared's cellphone with a message saying "Randy, I really want my phone back; I'll pay you $300 for the phone right now" (must have been a Treo). If you're stupid enough to rob your friend's house it stands to reason that you might be stupid enough to collect a ransom on the stolen merchandise as well, and sure enough, Randy and his partner-in-crime Justin Brooks agreed to a meeting at the local Smith's store. As you've probably guessed by now, the Colwells immediately called the cops, who were there to greet Randy and Justin as they emerged from behind a dumpster at the rendezvous point -- reportedly poised to grab the $300 and take off. We tip our hat to you, soon-to-incarcerated cellphone thieves: out of the many stupid gadget criminals who have graced these pages, you two are by far the biggest idiots of them all.
Jon Stewart, "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart," on North Korea's nuclear test: "Well, let's move on to the good news. As of last (weekend), North Korea has one less nuclear bomb."
Bill Maher, "Real Time with Bill Maher": "More pages came forward today saying this thing with Mark Foley goes back 11 years. Rush Limbaugh said today, 'You see, another threat Clinton completely ignored.'"
Comedy writer Janice Hough: "Despite the Foley scandal, President Bush has stated his support for House Speaker Dennis Hastert. In fact, Bush issued Hastert a personal invitation to join Dick Cheney on his next hunting trip."
Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show": "Former President Bill Clinton has now struck a deal with several major food companies to supply schools with snacks that have less fat, less sugar and less salt. This is all part of Clinton's new program, 'No Child Left With A Big Behind.'"
Comedy writer Jim Barach: "A Star Trek memorabilia auction at Christie's netted more than $7 million, including a half-million for a replica of the Starship Enterprise. It's amazing how much money guys can save by not going out on dates."
Hough on the New York Yankees cocktail: "Bartenders are reporting slow sales. Apparently, it's expensive and looks good, but no one can make it past the first round."
Comedy writer Jake Novak: "Florida Rep. Mark Foley, who resigned last week over a series of sexually suggestive e-mails sent to a teenage page, had been known in Congress for his work against Internet sexual predators. Apparently, he was trying to cut down on the competition."
Conan O'Brien, "Late Night with Conan O'Brien:" "The White House claims that President Bush is getting so many requests to campaign with other Republicans that he's running out of time. Not surprisingly, the requests are all coming from Democrats."
Jay Leno on Washington Post reporter Bob Woodward's interview with Mike Wallace: "Woodward said that Henry Kissinger is now advising President Bush on Iraq, and they're trying to fight the Vietnam War all over again. Hey, why not? Bush missed it the first time."
Comedy writer Alan Ray: "The NBA will use a new basketball this season. Not all teams have adopted it yet. In the preseason, the Knicks will continue to shoot the traditional brick."
Comedy writer Jim Barach: "Republican candidate for New York attorney general Jeanine Pirro is under investigation for spying on her husband. Hillary Rodham Clinton was asked what you call a woman getting caught spying on her husband: "An amateur."
