Comedy writer Jake Novak: "Experts say John Mark Karr boasted about killing JonBenet Ramsey to fulfill a sick fantasy that he really knew her. OK, that explains Karr, but what's CNN's excuse?"
Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show": "There's a hurricane watch for Tropical Storm Ernesto. Let me tell you something, these hurricanes are getting smart. They know a Hispanic hurricane has a better chance of getting into the country."
Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg: "Running back Kevan Barlow compared San Francisco 49ers coach Mike Nolan to Adolf Hitler after Barlow was traded to the New York Jets. He has a point: Going to the Jets is the NFL equivalent of being sent to the Russian Front."
Comedy writer Alan Ray: "College football begins Saturday. How do you stop an Auburn Tiger from advancing? Hand him a textbook."
David Letterman, "Late Show with David Letterman," on the astronomers who voted Pluto out of the solar system: "If Pluto loses, it will run as an independent."
Comedy writer Jim Barach on a federal judge's blocking Northwest Airlines flight attendants from going on strike: "Without flight attendants, who would serve the pilots their drinks?"
Novak on Rep. Katherine Harris' telling a religious newspaper in Florida the "separation of church and state in America is a lie": "She ought to know. When she let George W. Bush win Florida in 2000, she made a deal with the devil."
Wow...in today's day and age...you have to be REALLY stupid to try something like this...
By Kristen Hays Associated Press
Howard Fish was lectured by a judge and was freed on $75,000 bail. No further action was scheduled.
HOUSTON - A 21-year-old Lafayette College student who packed a stick of dynamite in his checked luggage on a flight to Houston from Argentina last week was granted bail yesterday on a federal charge of carrying an explosive aboard an aircraft.
The story has to do with the guy who bought the stick of dynamite originally buying it for some miners. I think it'd be a pretty funny play on words if he himself were a minor...but alas...he's just an idiot. It does however remind me of the scene from Meet the Parents:
Norm: I got a plane full of people saying you threatened that stewardess. Greg Focker: I was not threatening her. I was just trying to get my bag into the overhead storage thing... Norm: You were acting like a maniac and you threatened her with a bomb. Greg Focker: No, I said I didn't have a bomb. Norm: But you said bomb. Greg Focker: I said, "It's not like I have a bomb". Norm: You said "Bomb" on an airplane. Greg Focker: What's wrong with saying 'Bomb' on an airplane? Norm: You can't say 'Bomb' on an airplane! Greg Focker: Bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb. You gonna arrest me? Bomb bomb bomb bomb! During the war I was a BOMBadier! Norm: You assaulted an airline employee and I oughta put you away for years!
David Letterman, "Late Show with David Letterman": "More Americans can name the Three Stooges than the three branches of government. Well, that's because the Three Stooges are more likely to get something done."
Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show": "As I'm sure you've heard by now, the airlines are saying no more hair gels, shampoo, makeup or hair sprays will be allowed in your carry-on bag. Who's attacking us - drag queens?"
Comedy writer Jake Novak: "The bad news is the IRS may outsource the job of collecting taxes. The good news is you might be able to convince the collector to reduce your bill if you can speak Hindi."
Comedy writer Jim Barach: "Sen. Joe Lieberman has hired a former consultant to New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg. His advice: 'Get $5 billion.'"
Comedy writer Alan Ray: "A Japanese tanker in the Indian Ocean spilled 4,500 tons of oil. Experts from leading refineries have been rushed to the scene to examine whether or not they can raise prices."
Letterman on the Yankees' five-game sweep over the Red Sox: "Boston is blaming their pitching. Mel Gibson blamed it on the Jews."
Novak on the Baptist church in Watertown, N.Y., that dismissed a female Sunday school teacher after adopting a literal Bible translation that prohibits women from teaching men: "The congregation is also changing its name to the First Taliban Church of Watertown."
Kinda cool in an incredibly geeky sort of way...right up my alley ;)
30 USB port-powered "BBQ"
Ok, so it's really more of a hotplate than a Barbeque, but for sheer excessiveness and USB-ness this DIY project from Kaizo Aho Ichidai cannot be denied. After not surprisingly failing to get enough juice from a single 500mw USB port to fry an egg, Kaizo went all out and dropped six USB expansion cards into his PC, giving him a ridiculous total of 30 USB ports, all of which got re-wired to a modified USB cup warmer. In no time he had a hot, albeit small meal, and as far as well can tell, a still-working computer. Needless to say, this is one project we don't recommend trying at home, unless you've already managed to build a USB-powered fire extinguisher.
Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show": "On some flights, the only thing airlines are letting you take on are a passport and cash. The passport, of course, for identification, and the cash so they can sell you a bottle of water for $20."
Comedy writer Jake Novak: "Running back Lee Suggs is heading back to Cleveland after he failed his medical exam, voiding a trade to the New York Jets. Team doctors say there was nothing physically wrong with Suggs. In fact, he just wasn't sick enough to play for the Jets."
Jon Stewart, "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart": "Today, Hezbollah claimed the month of fighting represented divine victory. Israel claimed it had achieved many of its military objectives. So, it proves what I've been saying about this conflict all along: It's a win-win."
Comedy writer Jim Barach: "A judge says personal items seized from Unabomber Ted Kaczynski's cabin can be sold online. Buyers are being told to have them mailed at their own risk."
David Letterman, "Late Show with David Letterman": "According to reports, Fidel Castro is alert and being briefed. And I'm thinking, 'Why didn't we get a president like that?'"
Comedy writer Alan Ray: "'Snakes on a Plane' is opening around the country. Of course, one way to exterminate reptiles in flight is to starve them. Make them fly Southwest."
How funny...AOL is actually going on a buried treasure hunt :-P
By Colin Barker Special to CNET News.com Published: August 16, 2006, 8:18 AM PDT
After threatening to get tough on serial junk e-mailers three years ago, AOL intends to show its conviction has not wavered by digging up the garden belonging to the parents of a convicted spammer--in pursuit of buried gold and platinum.
On Tuesday, the company announced that it intended to dig up the garden in Massachusetts belonging to the parents of Davis Wolfgang Hawke. The parents claim that they have not seen their son in more that a year, not since he was fined $12.8 million by a U.S. court under the Can-Spam Act.
Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show": "As you know, President Bush is currently on vacation in Texas. He said he's going to try and do absolutely nothing for the next 10 days. His advisers think this is the best way to bring his approval rating up."
Comedy writer Alan Ray: "Tom DeLay's name will remain on the ballot in his Texas congressional district. If elected, he will not serve the people there. In other words, business as usual."
Comedy writer Jake Novak: "The Pentagon is considering building an Army theme park. Tickets will be $15,000 per day, and sodas will sell for $1,300."
Jon Stewart, "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart," on the recent discharge of Army Arabic translator Bleu Copas over allegations of homosexuality: "He says of his situation, 'It is unfair. It is unjust. Even with the policy we have, it should never have happened.' Sadly, his protest was for naught as he made the statement in Arabic, and no one in the Army understands that language now."
Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg on Connecticut Sen. Joseph Lieberman's loss in the Democratic primary: "How bad is it for Lieberman? Today, he accused winner Ned Lamont of testing positive for synthetic testosterone."
Michael Feldman, public radio's "Whad'Ya Know?": "On the economic front, if Republicans get their cut in the inheritance tax, they promise to overtip."
Comedy writer Jake Novak: "After launching its longest-range rocket ever on Friday, Hezbollah says it still has more 'secret weapons' to use against Israel. But that may not be true anymore, now that Mel Gibson has been arrested in California."
David Letterman, "Late Show with David Letterman": "President Bush hosted the 'American Idol' finalists in the Oval Office. Well, sure. There's not really anything else going on."
Comedy writer Alan Ray: "United Airlines has posted its first quarterly profit since 2000. The airline plans to pass on the good news to its customers. Starting in September, passengers will receive a second package of peanuts."
Comedy writer Janice Hough: "The federal government has convened yet another grand jury to go after Barry Bonds. He allegedly used steroids, as well as cheated on his wife and taxes. If the grand jury doesn't indict him, the Republicans will nominate him to run for Congress."
Novak on the Mets picking up pitchers Roberto Hernandez and Oliver Perez from the Pittsburgh Pirates for Xavier Nady: "The deal gives New York some extra bullpen help, and allows them to avoid going to the postseason with a player who has a French name."
Barach on research showing that shark fins and human arms share similar genes: "Apparently this is what allows lawyers to shake hands."
Doesn't the picture look like its a photo on a computer with a mouse cursor on it...it took me a few seconds to realize that was actually a kite!
The WindFire Cursor kite
We're holding out for the ever ubiquitous gloved-hand kite, but man, we really do need to get out of the house a little more often. And yes, the WindFire Cursor kite is real. Just don't wave it around too fast, you could put someone's window out with one of these. (Sorry, had to.)
