Shul Gabbai, 36. I take out the Torah Saturday morning. Would like to take you out Saturday night Please write. POB 81
Couch potato latke, in search of the right applesauce. Let's try it for eight days. Who knows? POB 43.
Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shul with, light shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not important. POB 658
Orthodox woman with get, seeks man who got get, or can get get. Get it? I'll show you mine, if you show me yours. POB 72
Sincere rabbinical student, 27. Enjoys Yom Kippur, Tisha B'av, Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedaliah, Asarah B'Teves, Shiva Asar B'Tammuz. Seeks companion for living life in the "fast" lane. POB 90.
Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks same in woman. POB 43.
Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan! Write POB 74.
Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality. POB 76
Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism of dybbuks, seeks mensch. No weirdos, please. POB 56.
Staunch Jewish feminist, wears tzitzis, seeking male who will accept my independence, although you probably will not. Oh, just forget it. POB 435.
Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind. Looking for American-born woman who speaks English very good. POB 555.
80-year-old bubby, no assets, seeks handsome, virile Jewish male, under 35. Object matrimony. I can dream, can't I? POB 545.
I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart to. Share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I'll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please. POB 86.
Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me. POB 22
Why English teachers die young (or Bulwer-Lytton, Junior Division)
Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners:
* Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
* His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
* He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
* She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
* She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
* Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
* He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
* The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
* The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
* McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
* From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. Instead of 7:30.
* Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
* The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
* Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. Traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. At a speed of 35 mph.
* They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
* John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
* He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
* Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
* Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
* The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
* The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
* He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
* The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
* It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
* He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
Conan O'Brien, "Late Night with Conan O'Brien": "Last week at the White House, President Bush met with the prime minister of India. There was an awkward moment when Bush asked the Indian prime minister, 'Now that you're here, could you see why my computer is acting up?'"
Comedy writer Jim Barach: "Interior Department official Dan Smith resigned after it was revealed he shot a buffalo at a ranch owned by a Texas billionaire. Of course, the last government official who shot something at a Texas billionaire's ranch bagged a lawyer."
Comedy writer Alan Ray: "Thousands in Queens were without electricity [for a week]. The previous record for going without power there was set by the New York Jets."
David Letterman, "Late Show with David Letterman": "It's continuing to be hot down there in Washington, D.C. As a matter of fact, it's so hot President Bush talked to the NAACP just for the cool reception."
Comedy writer Matt Passet: "Haley Joel Osment, the star of the movie 'The Sixth Sense,' was in a minor car accident this week. Doctors say he is fine, but his career is still in critical condition."
Comedy writer Jake Novak: "Despite gas prices reaching an all-time high, U.S. demand for gas is still higher than it was last year. That's because everyone is driving around looking for a place that sells cheaper gas."
Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg: "At the G-8 conference, a live mike picked up President Bush saying a four-letter word to Prime Minister Tony Blair. As a result, the conference rating has been raised from G-8 to PG-13."
Conan O'Brien, "Late Night with Conan O'Brien": "Russia announced that it is willing to store nuclear waste from other countries. A spokesperson for Russia said, 'Our goal is to be the New Jersey of Europe.'"
Comedy writer Jim Barach: "Entertainment Weekly has named Ed McMahon as the all-time greatest sidekick. Coming in a close second was President Bush."
Comedy writer Jake Novak on President Bush's veto of the Senate bill to expand stem cell research, because he's against taking something that's living and killing it: "Unless, of course, you're talking about the Constitution."
Comedy writer Alan Ray: "How can you tell when it's humid in New York? Hillary Clinton shifts to the left, then the right, just to get a breeze."
David Letterman, "Late Show with David Letterman": "New York is on a heightened state of alert. They say New Yorkers should be aware of suspicious activity. I'm thinking, 'Hell, that's our No. 1 industry.'"
Barach on the screenwriter suing Disney for stealing his idea for the original "Pirates of the Caribbean" movie: "Apparently the idea came to him while he was on a ride at Disneyland called 'Pirates of the Caribbean.'"
Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show," on the death of former Enron President Ken Lay: "I believe the official cause of death was 'karma.'"
Comedy writer Jake Novak on the Upper East Side explosion: "Reports say it could have been the result of a suicide attempt by the building's owner, which is ridiculous because everyone knows New York City landlords are incapable of showing any remorse."
Comedy writer Jim Barach: "An aspiring Iranian-American filmmaker is suing Donald Rumsfeld for holding him prisoner without charges for two months. Apparently, Rumsfeld had the wrong filmmaker - he thought it was Al Gore."
Comedy writer Alan Ray: "Mexico is divided over the results of its presidential election. The U.S. had offered to send in a task force to help determine the outcome, but unfortunately the Supreme Court is currently not in session."
Barach on reports that a new football stadium in New York for the Giants and Jets will cost more than a billion dollars to build: "The hardest part is finding Jimmy Hoffa's body to bury him at the new site."
Novak on the 2006 World Cup final: "It took two overtimes and a shootout, but Italy finally beat France to capture the World Cup. It was the first title for the Italians in 24 years, and the first time anyone from France had worked overtime in 50 years."
Customer: I'm trying to connect to the Internet with your CD, but it just doesn't work. What am I doing wrong? Tech support: OK, you've got the CD in the CD drive, right? Customer: Yeah.... Tech support: And what sort of computer are you using? Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven't got a computer. It's in the CD player and all I get is weird noises. Listen..... Tech support: Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have? Female customer: A white one.
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out. Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button? Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck. Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note. Customer: No, wait a minute. I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry.
Tech support: Click on the 'My Computer' icon on the left of the screen. Customer: Your left or my left?
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you? Male customer: Hello. I can't print. Tech support: Would you click on "Start" for me and... Customer: Listen pal, don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates, darn it!
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer.' I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
Customer: I have problems printing in red. Tech support: Do you have a color printer? Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am? Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore. Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer? Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer. Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back. Customer: OK. Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you? Customer: Yes Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard? Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah..that one does work.
Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7. Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
Customer: I can't get on the Internet. Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password? Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it. Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was? Customer: Five stars.
Tech support: What antivirus program do you use? Customer: Netscape. Tech support: That's not an antivirus program. Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
Tech support: How may I help you? Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail. Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem? Customer: Well, I have the letter "a" in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
A female customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. Tech support: Are you running it under Windows? Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."
And last, but not least....
Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager." Customer: I don't have a P. Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob. Customer: What do you mean? Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob. Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!
Comedy writer Alan Ray: "Mexico struggles with a disputed presidential election. Charges of voter fraud are flying. Government officials fear the entire country could erupt into one big Florida."
Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show": "President Bush took Japanese Prime Minister Koizumi to Graceland. The prime minister is a huge Elvis fan. There was one embarrassing moment when President Bush made the Japanese prime minister promise that when he visits Japan, he will take him to the Godzilla museum."
Comedy writer Jake Novak on the latest espionage news: "A CIA unit that had hunted for Osama bin Laden and his top deputies has been disbanded. Agents from that division are being transferred to the more important job of listening to America's phone calls."
David Letterman, "Late Show with David Letterman": "Last weekend Rush Limbaugh was arrested at an airport because he had illegal Viagra. So apparently, Dick Cheney isn't the only Republican who's locked and loaded."
Conan O'Brien, "Late Night with Conan O'Brien," on the recent storm in Washington, D.C., that knocked over a 100-year-old elm tree on the White House lawn: "President Bush was not hurt because he was playing in a different tree at the time."
Very cool...a real floating bed...very expensive too ;)
Million dollar bed floats on magnets
Sure we all like to sleep in comfort, but how many of you would be willing to pay $1.5 million for a one-of-a-kind bed? Anyone? Anyone at all? Well Dutch architect Janjaap Ruijssenaars is hoping that someone will shell out big bucks for that floating slab you see pictured above, as he's apparently spent six years of his life in the noble pursuit of a sleeping surface that can be suspended entirely by magnets. Do you actually get a better night's sleep on a bed that's only attached to a solid surface with a few narrow tethers? Probably not, but it seems that anyone spending a million bucks on something like this is more concerned with impressing potential overnight guests than waking up refreshed in the morning, anyway. If you just have to get your hands on one of these, but you'd prefer to remain below the seven-figure price point, Ruijssenaars was also showing off a smaller version at the Miljonaire fair in Kortrijk that goes for a more affordable $146,000; at 1/5th the size of the regular model, it's much too small for you to sleep in, but it would sure make a great perch for your already-spoiled dog or cat.
