CNN.com Technology News Wednesday, June 28, 2006; Posted: 11:37 a.m. EDT (15:37 GMT) Courtesy of CNN.com Technology News
NEW YORK (Reuters) -- The Dell laptop computer seen bursting into flames in photographs on the Internet was being examined as part of the company's probe of the incident, Dell Inc. said Tuesday.
"We have captured the notebook and have begun investigating the event," Dell spokeswoman Anne Camden said, confirming the computer was made by Dell but declining to specify the model. No one was hurt in the incident, she said.
The Inquirer By INQUIRER newsdesk: Wednesday 21 June 2006, 13:22 Courtesy of The Inquirer
AN INQUIRER READER attending a conference in Japan was sat just feet away from a laptop computer that suddenly exploded into flames, in what could have been a deadly accident.
Gaston, our astonished reader reports: "The damn thing was on fire and produced several explosions for more than five minutes".
Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show": "Warren Buffett announc-ed he's giving away his multibillion-dollar fortune to charity rather than leaving it to his kids. He said he doesn't believe someone's son should inherit his father's position in society. Today, President Bush had him put under surveillance."
Jon Stewart, "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart," on congressional uproar over violence in video games: "The issue is the video game industry's rating system. Many feel that the 'M' for 'Mature' rating is too vague in describing content. Not to mention, completely inaccurate to describe anyone who plays video games. They proposed a three-tiered system that would start with 'D' for 'Dropout,' 'W' for 'Wastoid,' and max out at 'CMB' for 'Child in Man's Body.'"
Comedy writer Alan Ray: "The Knicks are letting Larry Brown go after only a season. Some team members were taken aback. In the words of one player, 'He was the greatest coach we ever disregarded.'"
Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg: "Author J.K. Rowling has revealed that two of the Harry Potter characters will die in the next adventure. Now, I don't want to give anything away, but I think something bad happens when the Weasley twins go quail hunting with Dick Cheney."
Jon Stewart, "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart": "Republicans in the House of Representatives forced everyone to spend an entire day discussing a nonbinding resolution praising the troops and labeling Iraq part of the war on terror. Later, they will debate a resolution declaring kittens 'adorable.'"
Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show": "It turns out al-Qaida had a plan to put poison gas in the NYC subway system and then abandoned the idea at the last minute. Well, sure, once it mixed with the toxic fumes and vile odors already in the subway, who would've noticed?"
Comedy writer Matt Passet: "President Bush recently took part in a two-day strategy session at Camp David, discussing what should be done in Iraq. This kind of strategy session might have been a good idea before the war."
David Letterman, "Late Show with David Letterman": "North Korea is ready to test long-range ballistic missiles. Next they're going to start working on indoor plumbing."
Comedy writer Jim Barach: "An American woman won the saber competition at the Fencing World Cup. She received a congratulatory phone call from President Bush, who asked if she could help with fencing the Mexican border."
Comedy writer Alan Ray: "Actress Nicole Kidman and country singer Keith Urban are getting married. It's rumored to be a very personal ceremony. They each wrote their own prenups."
(Bud Abbott): Hello, this is the Ultimate Computer Store. Can I help you?
(Lou Costello): Thanks. I'm setting up a home office in the den, and I'm thinking of buying a computer.
Mac?
No, the name is Lou.
Your computer?
I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
Mac?
I told you, my name is Lou.
What about Windows?
Why? Does it get stuffy?
Do you want a computer with Windows?
I don't know. What do I see when I look out the windows?
Wallpaper.
Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
Software that runs on Windows?
No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses. You know, run a business. What have you got?
Office.
Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
I just did.
You just did what?
Recommended something.
You recommended something?
Yes.
For my office?
Yes.
Okay, what did you recommend for my office?
Office.
Yes, for my office.
Office for Windows.
I already have an office and it already has windows! Let's say I'm sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
Word.
If I'm writing a proposal, I'm going to need lots of words. But what program do I load?
Word.
What word?
The Word in Office.
The only word in office is office.
The Word in Office for Windows.
Which word in "office for windows?"
The Word you get when you click the blue W.
I'm going to click your blue W if you don't give me a straight answer. Let's forget about words for a minute. What do I need if I want to watch a movie over the Internet?
RealOne.
Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. But what do I need to watch it?
RealOne.
If it's a long movie I'll also want to watch reels two, three and four. Can I watch reel four?
Of course.
Great! With what?
RealOne.
Okay, so I'm sitting at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
You click the blue 1.
I click the blue one what?
The blue 1.
Is that different from the blue W?
Of course it is. The blue 1 is RealOne. The blue W is Word.
What word?
The Word in Office for Windows.
But there's three words in "office for windows!"
No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
It is?
Yes, although to be fair there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words.
And that word is the real one?
No. RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn't even part of Office.
Never mind; I don't want to get started with that again. But I also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so on. What do you have to help me track my money?
Money.
That's right. What do you have?
Money.
I need money to track my money?
No, not really. It comes bundled with your computer.
What comes bundled with my computer?
Money.
Money comes bundled with my computer?
Exactly. No extra charge.
I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge? How much money do I get?
Just one copy.
I get a copy of money. Isn't that illegal?
No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money.
Microsoft can license you to make money?
Why not? They own it.
Well, it's great that I'm going to get free money, but I'll still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money?
Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago.
Well, what do you sell in its place?
Money.
You sell money?
Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for free.
That's all very wonderful, but I'll be running a business. Do you have any software for, you know, accounting?
Simply Accounting.
Probably, but it might get a little complicated.
If you don't want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B.
M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for?
Mind Your Own Business.
I beg your pardon?
No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B.
Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home business. You know--accounting? You do it with money.
Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need more.
More money?
More than Money. Money can't do everything.
I don't need a sermon! Okay, let's forget about money for the moment. I'm worried that my computer might...what's the word? Crash. And if my computer crashes, what can I use to restore my data?
GoBack.
Okay. I'm worried about my computer smashing and I need something to restore my data. What do you recommend?
GoBack.
How many times do I have to repeat myself?
I've never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was GoBack.
How can I go back if I haven't even been anywhere? Okay, I'll go back. What do I need to write a proposal?
Word.
But I'll need lots of words to write a proposal.
No, you only need one Word-the Word in Office for Windows.
But there are three words in...Oh, never mind.
Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up on me? Oh, well. Hello, Ultimate Computer Store. Can I help you?
Jon Stewart, "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart," on President Bush's surprise visit to Iraq: "Said the Iraqi prime minister to the president, 'If I knew you were coming, I'd have built an infrastructure.'"
Comedy writer Alan Ray: "Robert Byrd of West Virginia has now served in the Senate a record 47-plus years. Some say he's out of touch, irrelevant and a puppet of lobbyists. Or, as his colleagues call him, 'one of us.'"
David Letterman, "Late Show with David Letterman," on the rumor that New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg may run for president: "I thought there was a height requirement."
Stewart on the killing of Abu Musab al-Zarqawi: "The FBI says it wants Zarqawi's DNA so they can compare it with samples found in other terrorist safe houses, in order to establish the extent of his influence, and if need be, clone him so he can be killed again closer to mid-term elections."
Comedy writer Jake Novak: "U.S. soccer coach Bruce Arena says he's going to use a different lineup in the team's second World Cup match, this Saturday. That might work, but only if that lineup is the Brazilian team."
Comedy writer Jim Barach, on researchers' looking at the potential use of parasites to treat stomach disorders: "This is the best news for parasites since Kevin Federline married Britney Spears."
George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the Devil is waiting for him."I don't know what to do here," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you, but YOU DEFINITELY have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves. But your choice will be final." George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The Devil opened the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. He kept resurfacing over and over and over, gasping for air. Such was his fate in hell. "No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time, and more rocks appeared. "No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.
The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said... "Monica, you're free to go!"
Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show:" "You know what's interesting about [the failed constitutional amendment banning gay marriage]? According to polls, 51 percent of Americans do not approve of gay marriage, but 70 percent of Americans do not approve of President Bush. So gay marriage is actually more popular than he is."
Conan O'Brien, "Late Night with Conan O'Brien:" "The Secret Service caught a man trying to climb over the White House fence. When they caught the man, the Secret Service said, 'Not so fast. You have three more years, Mr. President.'"
Comedy writer Jake Novak: "Al Gore says he's all but ruled out running for president in 2008, because he enjoys talking about global warming more. Of course, a Gore campaign and global warming are both impending disasters."
Comedy writer Janice Hough: "The Stanley Cup finals feature the Oilers vs. the Hurricanes, which is also a good way to sum up the last year for the Bush administration."
Comedy writer Jim Barach: "Knicks coach Larry Brown says he feels like a dead man walking. Which - except for the walking part - pretty much describes the Knicks this past season."
O'Brien on a new article in Vanity Fair accusing "Da Vinci Code" author Dan Brown of plagiarism: "Critics say this finally explains the chapter where Jesus attends Hogwarts school for wizards."
I have no idea what the following site really even is, or why or for what reason it exists, but I just found this particular portion of it to be pretty funny: Strong Bad E-Mail. Check out the different emails this Strong Bad character receives and how he responds to them ;)
And if you have some more enlightening information about this site, please let me know... (post it as a comment)
Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show": "[Last week] the Capitol building in Washington, D.C., was on lockdown because someone heard gunshots coming from the parking lot. When the Capitol police heard this, they all said the same thing: 'Cheney.'"
Comedy writer Matt Passet: "Barry Bonds this weekend hit home run number 715 to surpass Babe Ruth's record. This is the greatest feat for an athlete on drugs since the 1986 Mets won the World Series."
Comedy writer Jim Barach: "A survey shows the nation's most dangerous drivers are in Newark, N.J. Of course, the survey included as fatalities any bodies that were found in the trunk."
Conan O'Brien, "Late Night with Conan O'Brien," on Ken Lay and Jeffrey Skilling's guilty verdicts: "They're both facing over 100 years in prison. This makes them the only two Enron employees who don't have to worry about paying for retirement."
Leno on the movement in Arizona to turn voting there into a lottery: "This is real. The way it would work is that after every election, one voter would win $1 million. So basically, you'd vote a Democrat and end up a Republican."
Comedy writer Jake Novak on police reports that drinking and driving incidents were down this Memorial Day weekend: "Of course they were - who can afford to buy both booze and gas?"
