Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show": "There's a sign at the gas station near my house. It says, 'We take Visa, Mastercard, Discover Card and American Express.' After I filled up my car, they took my Visa, Mastercard, Discover Card and American Express."
Comedy writer Janice Hough: "President Bush took his private 747 to California, rode to Stanford University in a long motorcade with dozens of police cars, and then took a private helicopter to Napa, just so he could ride a bike for Earth Day."
Jon Stewart, "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart": "The U.S. Army has recently sponsored a civilian-only essay contest called 'Countering Insurgency,' to solicit ideas from the public on how to best defeat the Iraqi insurgency. According to the Army journal Military Review, "Nothing less than the future of the civilized world might depend on it." ... The contest winner will receive the awesome prize of $1,000, because the future of the civilized world is worth at least 1/18th of a Nissan Altima."
Bill Maher, "Real Time with Bill Maher," on the border-patrolling vigilante group the Minutemen challenging President Bush to either build a wall on the Mexican border or they will: "And I say let them try, because if there's one thing that will change your mind about immigration, it's trying to build a 2,000-mile fence without the help of Mexicans."
David Letterman, "Late Show With David Letterman": "The Bush administration says that they want to declare all golf course water hazards as federally protected wetlands. It's part of their effort to save restricted country clubs."
Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show": "President Bush had to ask for an extension on his taxes. He's still trying to decide whether or not to write off Donald Rumsfeld."
Comedy writer Jake Novak: "Supporters of Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld are strongly defending him against charges that he ignores advice from generals who disagree with him. They rightly point out that Donald Rumsfeld can't ignore advice he never bothered to listen to in the first place."
Tina Fey, "Saturday Night Live": "McDonald's is preparing to launch a campaign to counter the bad press expected to come with the release of the movie 'Fast Food Nation.' Unfortunately, the campaign will be undermined by McDonald's new Bacon Sundae Salad."
Letterman on the 100th anniversary of the 1906 San Francisco earthquake: "FEMA is on the way."
Leno on magician David Blaine's plan to live underwater for seven days and nights in a human aquarium in front of Lincoln Plaza: "Live underwater for seven days? People in New Orleans are going, 'Great. Good luck to you. Let us know how it works out.'"
I'd just like to wish my good friends Ethan and Becca congratulations on getting engaged. He popped the question to her on February 10th, and she said yes...and the rest is history...but if you'd like to check out the full story (and it's a really cool story), then visit their website.
David Letterman, "Late Show with David Letterman" on the Yankees home opener: "I think some of the players may still be on steroids, because in the third inning Jason Giambi comes to bat and bunts a ball into the upper deck."
Bill Maher, "Real Time with Bill Maher": "Dick Cheney's main man 'Scooter' Libby says that it was Bush himself who approved leaking classified information. I find that hard to believe - that President Bush is allowed to see classified information!"
Comedy writer Jim Barach: "A study says there is a greater risk for a heart attack in a strong economy. Apparently, destroying our economy is all part of the Bush health care plan."
Comedy writer Alan Ray: "Sunday is Easter. The annual egg hunt on the White House lawn is a unique event for the Bush administration. It's an invasion involving young Americans with a definite end in sight."
Amy Poehler, "Saturday Night Live": "Police in Los Angeles are investigating a report by Paula Abdul that a man slammed her into a wall during an argument at a party, giving her a concussion. Doctors became concerned when Abdul began speaking clearly and making sense."
Maher on the upcoming deadline for filing federal income taxes: "You can make your check out directly to Halliburton."
Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show": "Indicted former Republican Majority Leader Tom DeLay announced he is resigning from Congress and will not run for re-election. People were shocked - a Republican with an exit plan?"
Conan O'Brien, "Late Night with Conan O'Brien": "Earlier today, the pilots at Delta Air Lines voted to go on strike. Apparently, the pilots voted to authorize the strike at 10:30, but the strike didn't actually get off the ground until 12:15."
Comedy writer Matt Passet: "Paula Abdul has signed on to do another three years of 'American Idol.' She said it was a tough decision. It was either sign another contract, or go back to doing absolutely nothing."
O'Brien on the start of baseball season: "At opening day in Cincinnati, President Bush threw out the first pitch. Then the president started crying because the manager took him out of the game."
Novak on the syringe thrown at Barry Bonds after the opening day game in San Diego: "Bonds was actually delighted because he'd left his at home."
Leno on Florida defeating UCLA for the NCAA Championship: "The Gators got a congratulatory phone call from President Bush, and UCLA shot so badly, they got a phone call from Dick Cheney."
A koala is sitting up a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past, looks up and says "Hey Koala! What are you doing?"
The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints.
After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.
But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.
A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?"
The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"
So the koala looks down at him and says:
"Fuuuuck dude.......how much water did you drink?!!"
