Courtesy of New York Times Circuits: From the Desk of David Pogue
OK, we all know that the tech-support problem is out of control these days. But just for fun, reader John Stumpf, ex- CIO and now just a "retired geek," wrote up a Guide to Dell Tech Support that's so clever/funny/smart, I had to pass it on. Please welcome substitute columnist John Stumpf.
PREPARATORY WORK
So it has happened: you have fired up your Dell PC, and - nothing. Or the dreaded "cannot find boot drive" or something like that. Now you are forced into the unenviable position of having to call Dell Off-shore Hardware Support. Look at it as a journey, one on which you will be tested, much like Job or Arthur Dent. You will descend into the ninth circle, but with the proper preparation, tools and attitude, you will return, a better person for it.
First, before you call, prepare. Raid your kids' library and find some simple reading primers along the lines of "See Spot Run." This will help you speak in non-complex sentences and monosyllabic words.
Make an appointment for that root canal you have been putting off. After what you are about to experience, you will look forward to it.
Buy a speakerphone; it's tough to stay rational when your neck is cramped. When you are ready to MAKE THE CALL, go to the bathroom, take an aspirin, get a book or crossword, stock up on water and nibbles (preferably ones with high sugar content and no nutritional value; Twinkies are good). Shoo the kids out of your den; it's possible that they will hear things that could cause serious psychological issues later.
Do your relaxation exercises; take a sip of water; remember Dan Rather's closing, "Courage." And MAKE THE CALL.
WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?
The first thing that you will get is a recorded announcement saying that you can go to support.dell.com online to get help. This is your first test. Refrain from screaming that your PC is broken and you can't GET to the Internet. This is where it is handy to have a towel to bite on, so your family doesn't hear you screaming at a recording.
You may also be asked to enter your "Express Service Code." (The discussion of why you have an "Express" Service Code when you are spending a long time on hold is best put off for another time.)
Eventually you will get to a person. You will tell him/her why you are calling, and most likely you will be told you have to call someone else. They will offer to transfer you, but before they do, GET THE EXENSION NUMBER. This is very important, especially when (not if) you get cut off. Note that it is a seven-digit extension number.
While waiting, pause and ponder the size and complexity of a company that needs an extension number the size of your phone number.
Now you are getting close. You will eventually get to someone who after getting your name, address, problem, and again, Express Service code, will say the magic words, "I can help you with that problem." You have now contacted a Dell Offshore Personal Expert - a DOPE.
Some notes on this part of the process:
* The DOPE will probably call you by your first name, because he/she wants to be your new best friend.
* He/she will profusely thank you at every step of the way for the same reason.
* He/she will have a notable American name like Patrick, Matthew or even a Shaun. Do not react to this.
But congratulations; YOU HAVE REACHED SOMEONE WHO IS TRYING TO HELP YOU! You reached the ninth circle, and all you have to do is return.
THE RETURN
What happens now will vary depending on your problem. But here are some guidelines for dealing with the DOPES.
* Do not yell at them. Aside from the fact that it is rude, I think the phone system has a volume limiter that will cut you off. Bite the towel instead.
* Do not try sarcasm; DOPES don't understand it. Again, bite the towel.
* Ditto humor.
* Do not use words like "escalate" or "supervisor." In my case, they were greeted by a frosty silence. My guess is that they sound like obscenities in the local language.
* Do not ask if there is U.S.-based support. You will be told that there is "no U.S.-based Dell support."
* You may be told that the DOPE will take personal responsibility for your problem. Loosely translated, this means you will never hear from him/her again.
THERE IS HOPE
At some point in this process, you may reach a Newly Oriented Dell Off-shore Personal Expert - a NO-DOPE. This is a person that has recently joined Dell who hasn't been fully trained and therefore will approach your problem in a friendly, knowledgeable and professional manner. He/she will solve your problem in less time than it took to write this.
The moral of the story is to keep trying; eventually you will reach a NO-DOPE.
YOU HAVE DONE IT
See, I told you that you could do it. Let the kids and pets back in, throw out the towel, and start using complex sentences and polysyllabic words again. And late that night, after everyone has gone to bed, break out the 12-year-old stuff, and toast yourself. Tomorrow you can reload all your programs and restore your data from your backup. You do have a backup, don't you?
(All of the events related here are based on my experience with two incidents. The process was so frustrating that I probably will not buy another Dell. And of course apologies to Dante, Doug Adams, Greek mythology and those at Dell Off- shore Support who are great.)
Bill Maher, "Real Time with Bill Maher," on the congressional report that criticized the White House for wasting billions of dollars in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina: "Bush said history will call that a small price to pay if we wind up bringing democracy to Louisiana."
David Letterman, "Late Show with David Letterman": "This just in: ... Bode Miller has just tested negative for gold medals."
Michael Feldman, public radio's "Whad'Ya Know?": "Looking at a ratings disaster, the Olympic committee decides to make 'American Idol' an Olympic event."
Comedy writer Alan Ray: "Spring training has begun in baseball. Loyalty is always a factor in contract negotiations. Throughout his career, the average player would really like to stay with the same agent."
Comedy writer Jake Novak: "A new poll shows that businesses in New York are having trouble finding decent workers. But that poll is misleading because the only employers surveyed were the owners of the Knicks and the Jets."
Comedy writer Jim Barach: "U.S. airlines lost an average of 10,000 luggage bags a day last year. The only thing they are better at losing is money."
A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very Liberal Democrat, and was very much in favor of the redistribution of wealth. She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harboured an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.
One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the addition of more government welfare programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school.
Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.
Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Audrey doing?" She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus, college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes."
Her wise father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA."
The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That wouldn't be fair! I have worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!"
The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome to the Republican Party".
Comedy writer Jim Barach: "Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot a 78-year-old lawyer. Not to worry. It's part of the new proposed Bush Administration Social Security plan."
Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg: "Times sure have changed. Now we have a vice president attempting to kill quail, whereas in 1989 we had a Quayle attempting to kill the vice presidency."
Conan O'Brien, "Late Night with Conan O'Brien": "You've all heard of a controversial Danish cartoon, still sparking protests with Muslim fundamentalists, because they claim the cartoon defames Islam. If that weren't bad enough, today Marmaduke came out against stem cell research."
Comedy writer Alan Ray: "Saddam Hussein is on a hunger strike. Prosecutors are concerned he could die in prison. They seek an end to his actions so that the trial may proceed and he can die in prison."
Comedy writer Jake Novak on the 12-year-old Arkansas boy who's getting a free trip to New York from George Steinbrenner after the young man passed up his dream of seeing a Yankee game and donated his $1,000 life savings to his school instead: "It's a good thing he did that, because $1,000 isn't enough for a decent seat at Yankee Stadium anyway."
Barach on "Price is Right" host Bob Barker's request to officials at the L.A. zoo to close the elephant exhibit and let the elephants retire to a sanctuary: "Coincidentally, the elephants were asking CBS to do the same thing with Barker."
LOS ANGELES, California (AP) -- Television talk shows took aim Monday at Vice President Dick Cheney's accidental weekend shooting in Texas of a hunting companion. Here are a few of the jokes.
"Late Show with David Letterman," CBS
"Good news, ladies and gentlemen, we have finally located weapons of mass destruction: It's Dick Cheney."
"But here is the sad part -- before the trip Donald Rumsfeld had denied the guy's request for body armor."
"We can't get Bin Laden, but we nailed a 78-year-old attorney."
"The guy who got gunned down, he is a Republican lawyer and a big Republican donor and fortunately the buck shot was deflected by wads of laundered cash. So he's fine. He took a little in the wallet."
"The Tonight Show with Jay Leno," NBC
"Although it is beautiful here in California, the weather back East has been atrocious. There was so much snow in Washington, D.C., Dick Cheney accidentally shot a fat guy thinking it was a polar bear."
"That's the big story over the weekend. ... Dick Cheney accidentally shot a fellow hunter, a 78-year-old lawyer. In fact, when people found out he shot a lawyer, his popularity is now at 92 percent."
"I think Cheney is starting to lose it. After he shot the guy he screamed, 'Anyone else want to call domestic wire tapping illegal?' "
"Dick Cheney is capitalizing on this for Valentine's Day. It's the new Dick Cheney cologne. It's called Duck!"
"The Daily Show with Jon Stewart," Comedy Central
The show's segment titles included "Cheney's Got a Gun," "No. 2 With a Bullet" and "Dead-Eye Dick."
"Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot a man during a quail hunt ... making 78-year-old Harry Whittington the first person shot by a sitting veep since Alexander Hamilton. Hamilton, of course, (was) shot in a duel with Aaron Burr over issues of honor, integrity and political maneuvering. Whittington? Mistaken for a bird."
"Now, this story certainly has its humorous aspects. ... But it also raises a serious issue, one which I feel very strongly about. ... Moms, dads, if you're watching right now, I can't emphasize this enough: Do not let your kids go on hunting trips with the vice president. I don't care what kind of lucrative contracts they're trying to land, or energy regulations they're trying to get lifted -- it's just not worth it."
"Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson," CBS
"He is a lawyer and he got shot in the face. But he's a lawyer, he can use his other face. He'll be all right."
"You can understand why this lawyer fellow let his guard down, because if you're out hunting with a politician, you think, 'If I'm going to get it, it's going to be in the back.' "
"The big scandal apparently is that they didn't release the news for 18 hours. I don't think that's a scandal at all. I'm quite pleased about that. Finally there's a secret the vice president's office can keep."
"Apparently the reason they didn't release the information right away is they said we had to get the facts right. That's never stopped them in the past."
Tina Fey, "Saturday Night Live": "Epiphanny Prince, a 17-year-old New York girl, broke the city's high school girls' basketball scoring record when she scored 113 points in a game this week, leading her team to a 137-132 victory. To be fair, they were playing the Knicks."
David Letterman, "Late Show With David Letterman": "Hillary Clinton apparently now has a huge diamond ring. So I guess Bill's dating again."
Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg: "Republican Missouri Congress-man Roy Blunt Jr. blamed his loss for House majority leader on the media. In fact, Blunt whined and complained so much, Al Gore and John Kerry named him an honorary Democrat."
Conan O'Brien, "Late Night with Conan O'Brien": "General Motors announced this week that it's cutting the salaries of its top executives. Industry experts say that GM executives will be earning so little they'll be forced to drive GM cars."
Comedy writer Jim Barach: "Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas' autobiography has been delayed. It was supposed to come out last year but has been pushed back to 2007. It will be available just as soon as Justice Scalia finishes writing it."
Letterman on photos showing Britney Spears driving with her baby in her lap: "Here's the weird part: In the baby seat next to her was Kevin Federline."
Comedy writer Jake Novak: "President Bush used his State of the Union address to urge Americans to reject isolationism, which makes a lot of sense since soon we'll all be working for the Chinese."
Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show": "President Bush talked about the need to work hard on the economy, to work hard on health care, and to fight nonstop against terrorism. Then he left to go on a long weekend at his ranch to watch the Super Bowl."
Comedy writer Jim Barach: "Super Bowl viewers will eat an estimated 3,000 calories on game day. Or as most Americans call it, 'Sunday.'"
Michael Feldman, public radio's "Whad'Ya Know?," on the surprise Hamas party victory in the Palestinian election: "The Hamas landslide was attributed to Tom DeLay redrawing Palestine's congressional districts."
Comedy writer Robert Emproto on the "A Million Little Pieces" controversy: "During an on-air confrontation with Oprah Winfrey, author James Frey admitted that he fabricated details of characters, exaggerated past brushes with the law, and that there were, in fact, only 999,973 little pieces."
Conan O'Brien, "Late Night With Conan O'Brien," on the Oscar nominations: "'Brokeback Mountain' received eight nominations, Phillip Seymour Hoffman was nominated for his portrayal of Truman Capote, and Felicity Huffman was nominated for playing a transsexual. Despite all that, this is expected to be only the seventh gayest Oscars of all time."
I was riding the Metro train to work in Washington, D.C., this morning, bleary-eyed and headachy from staying up half the night to cover the State of the Union, when a thought hit me like a football to Marcia Brady's nose: If politics has really devolved into only so much political theater, why don't we treat it that way?
Now, I know that there are plenty of Democrats and Republicans who really want to help with the serious work of the nation: Spurring the economy, supporting families, protecting our security. But these Super Bowl political events, such as the State of the Union address, are really about policy second, putting on a show first.
So I thought, let's go through all the moments of the speech and give out some awards, just like we do for movies.
Best Actor: Senator Bill Frist acting like he wasn't using every moment in front of the camera to campaign for his own presidency.
Worst Actress: Hillary Clinton trying to force a smile after President Bush invoked the name of her husband in a bid for Democratic applause.
Best Drama: Samuel Alito's agonizing struggle over whether or not to clap.
Best Direction: Mindless lockstep of Reds and Blues cheering or grousing on cue.
Best Walk-On: Louisiana Governor Kathleen Blanco...a not so subtle reminder that big problems remain in the Deep South.
Worst Walk-Off: Anti-war protestor Cindy Sheehan. She got herself into the chamber, but then got thrown out for revealing her antiwar t-shirt before the president even arrived. Talk about missing your cue.
Best Supporting Actress: Laura Bush. Who can argue?
Best Comedy: Dave Chappelle. No, he wasn't there, but it sure would have been funny.
Best Picture: OK, no kidding here. The family of Marine Staff Sergeant Dan Clay, who was killed in Iraq, displayed dignity, bravery and respect in a room full of political posturing. By far, their appearance was the most compelling moment of the night.
This one's been floating around for a while, but its good for a quick laugh
The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of Sexually Transmitted Disease. The disease is contracted through dangerous and high-risk behavior. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim and pronounced "gonna re-elect him."
Many victims contracted it in 2004, after having been screwed for the past four years. Cognitive characteristics of individuals infected include: anti-social personality disorders, delusions of grandeur with messianic overtones, extreme cognitive dissonance, inability to incorporate new information, pronounced xenophobia and paranoia, inability to accept responsibility for own actions, cowardice masked by misplaced bravado, uncontrolled facial smirking, ignorance of geography and history, tendencies toward evangelical theocracy, and categorical all-or-nothing behavior.
Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed at how this destructive disease originated only a few years ago from a bush found in Texas.
I have no idea if this is really true or not, but its pretty funny
NBA OR NFL?
36 have been accused of spousal abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad checks
117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
3 have done time for assault
71, repeat 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges!
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 currently are defendants in lawsuits, and
84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year
Can you guess which organization this is?
Give up yet? . . . Scroll down,
Neither, it's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group of Idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.
I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him.
The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?
The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
