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Saturday, January 28, 2006 |
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Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.
Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, Did you?"
Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?"
A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"
The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine"
"Mr Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week," "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself,"
A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all. "Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute.."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.
"A golf gun? What is a golf gun?"
"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?"
The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."
Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."
A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
"I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.
"What did he say," asked the nurse.
"OOPS!"
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"
"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one
(I take no responsibility for the content of these jokes)
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Posted by Marc Bressman
@ 12:51 PM
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Site Search
You can now search my entire site using either Yahoo! or Google. In the right-hand column, in the search box, there are now two additional search options ("This Site via Yahoo!" and "This Site via Google"). The default search option is "This Site via Yahoo!" and I would recommend using this method to search my site. Google is apparently not indexing my site, so using the "This Site via Google" will probably yield no results (if Google starts indexing my site, I'll post an update to let everyone know). BlogSearch also has some issues (older posts not showing up, dates are wrong, deleted posts are showing up, etc.), so the results you get using "This Site via BlogSearch" might not be that complete or accurate. The only issue with using "This Site via Yahoo!" to search my site is that it takes a little while from when I first make a new post for it to appear on those search results since Yahoo! is not constantly re-indexing my site. However, this is probbaly the best and most complete way to search my entire site.
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Posted by Marc Bressman
@ 7:29 AM
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From January 30th to February 5th (next week), you can ride NJTransit Bus, Rail, or Light Rail for free with a student ID and a free ride coupon...
STUDENTS: RIDE NJ TRANSIT FREE: January 30 through February 5
As part of NJ TRANSIT's continuing effort to make college and post-secondary students aware of our services, we are again offering them the opportunity to ride our system - bus, rail, and light rail - for free from January 30 through February 5. All you need is your student ID and a Free Ride Coupon!
Read More...
There's a survey you have to fill out (it's really quick) to get the coupon, and you should probably fill it out, but if you don't want to, I think this is a link to the coupon you need: Free Ride Coupon
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Posted by Marc Bressman
@ 10:42 AM
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Conan O'Brien, "Late Night with Conan O'Brien'': "The New York Mets announced that they are launching their own cable channel. So far there's no word on what the Mets channel will air during October."
Comedy writer Jim Barach on New York subways possibly gaining cell phone access: "Which means victims will now be able to call 911 without having to wait for the next stop."
Tina Fey, "Saturday Night Live," on the new Osama bin Laden tape: "A White House spokesman said they plan to check out the bin Laden tape in its entirety, but they're too busy listening to your phone calls."
David Letterman, "Late Show with David Letterman": "At a press conference, President Bush admitted that he had not seen 'Brokeback Mountain.' However, he did express interest in drilling for oil there."
Jon Stewart, "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart'': "The Ford Motor Co., an organization with a rich heritage extending back to the days of Henry Ford, has fallen on hard times, having lost $1.6 billion domestically in the last year alone. In short, losing money by the truckload. Sadly, the trucks carrying away the money -- Chevys."
Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg: "Kraft announced they are coming out with a wide-mouth jar of mayonnaise. How fat and lazy have we become when we have to have a mayonnaise jar so wide that you can skip the utensil and just stick your head right in?"
Amy Poehler, "Saturday Night Live": "In a speech, New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin said that New Orleans, when rebuilt, will be a 'chocolate city.' And he will be the delicious nut in the center."
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Posted by Marc Bressman
@ 10:05 AM
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Try and read this:
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty
uesdnatnrd
waht I was
rdgnieg.The
phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde
Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are,
the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit
pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a
porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by
istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?
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Posted by Marc Bressman
@ 10:01 AM
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Comedy writer Jake Novak: "The money train, a secret train that traveled New York City's subway lines each night, collecting cash from station booths, was taken out of service this weekend. From now on, all the cash will be delivered directly from station booths to the transit union's executive board."
Comedy writer Alan Ray: The New York Jets have hired Eric Mangini as head coach. He likes the terms of his deal. His vacation always starts Jan. 1."
David Letterman, "Late Show with David Letterman": "Former Vice President Al Gore says that President Bush has repeatedly and insistently broken the law. Al issued this strongly worded statement into his microphone at Taco Bell."
Jon Stewart, "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart": "The Republican Party is still dealing with the fallout of the Jack Abramoff corruption scandal. The latest victim is Ohio congressman Bob Ney, who stepped down as House Administration Committee chairman this week while he's under investigation. That chairmanship now goes to the next highest ranking republican, Representative Giant Pile of Jack Abramoff's Money."
Letterman on the 2006 Golden Globe Awards: "[It's] so long and so dull today Dick Cheney ordered a copy of it to torture detainees."
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Posted by Marc Bressman
@ 8:40 AM
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I'm not quite sure why I'm wishing everyone a happy Friday the 13th. It'd probably be more appropriate to wish everyone a safe Friday the 13th! Anyway, it's almost over, and so far it has been pretty uneventful for me. Anyone have any weird experiences today, or any Friday the 13th for that matter? Post them in the comments so we can all make fun of you...err...read about them ;)
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Posted by Marc Bressman
@ 8:26 PM
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Comedy writer Alan Ray: "Jets coach Herm Edwards is now head coach of the Kansas City Chiefs. The Jets will waste no time in naming a successor. Fans can expect to criticize a replacement by the end of the month."
Comedy writer Matt Passet: "A NYC man who has been bedridden for 17 years is being charged over $500 a month by the phone company for services he didn't order. The sad part is, the reason he's been in bed for 17 years is he's waiting for the cable guy."
Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show": "Supreme Court nomination hearings are under way for Judge Samuel Alito. ... Democrats want to know his position on privacy, and Republicans want to know his position on prison terms for bribery."
Comedy writer Jake Novak: "Saddam Hussein's new defense strategy is to say that he was the head of state and had unlimited powers against his enemies. Apparently, he's put some of President Bush's lawyers on retainer."
Comedy writer Jim Barach: "A 4-year-old Houston boy was placed on the government 'no fly' list. His parents are furious. Meanwhile, most airline passengers feel all 4- year-olds should be placed on the 'no fly' list."
Conan O'Brien, "Late Night with Conan O'Brien," on Albert Hofmann, the man who invented LSD, turning 100: "[He] plans to spend his birthday surrounded by friends, family, and a 9-foot-tall unicorn."
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Posted by Marc Bressman
@ 8:07 PM
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Tuesday, January 10, 2006 |
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Since it appears you cannot activate a non-Verizon phone (i.e. the Sprint Treo 650) on the Verizon network, I'm wondering if anyone would be interested in trading their Verizon Treo 650 for my Brand New Sprint Treo 650. I'd definitely like the Verizon Treo 650 to be brand new, but would be willing to consider units that aren't brand new but are in good to excellent condition. I'd also be willing to throw in some software I've purchased and/or a 128 MB SD card to sweeten the deal a little...if you are interested, please Contact Me. I am located in Northern NJ. Thanks!
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Posted by Marc Bressman
@ 10:29 PM
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I've completed the updates for the Road Trip USA - 2003 Site. You can now once again view all the Road Trip videos, as well as full-size photos from the trip. Additionally, you can now comment on and rate photos and videos. To view the videos and full-size photos, as well as leave comments and ratings, please visit the new Road Trip USA - 2003 Web Site. From there, you can navigate to the photos and videos for the different legs of the trip. If you have any problems or need any help with navigating, leaving comments for photos or videos, or rating photos or videos, please feel free to Contact Me. Thanks, and Enjoy!
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Posted by Marc Bressman
@ 9:44 AM
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Haha...you gotta love those crazy Canadians ;)
TORONTO (Reuters) - A Canadian credit card holder is putting a new twist on an old trick practised by disgruntled debtors -- repaying his bill in pennies to maximise the collector's inconvenience.
Unhappy when his Canadian bank began outsourcing some of its credit card processing to the United States, the man lodged his protest via the bank's online payment system, jamming its computers by making dozens of tiny payments a day.
Read More...
Courtesy of Reuters UK
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Posted by Marc Bressman
@ 12:21 AM
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CAMDEN, N.J. (AP) - A jury looking at the bloody coat of the victim in an attempted murder trial found something the authorities missed: 30 bags of what appeared to be crack.
The deliberations were stopped after the discovery Thursday, and the jury was told to return to the courthouse next week.
Charles Gould, 25, is on trial in the shooting of Dwaun Drayton in 2003.
Courtesy of My Way News
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Posted by Marc Bressman
@ 12:14 AM
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HEAT GUN THAT WARNS: “DO NOT USE AS HAIRDRYER” WINS TOP PRIZE IN M-LAW’S NINTH ANNUAL WACKY WARNING LABEL CONTEST
A heat gun and paint remover that produces temperatures of 1,000 degrees and warns users, “Do not use this tool as a hair dryer” has been identified as the nation’s wackiest warning label in M-LAW’s annual Wacky Warning Label Contest.
Other Winners Include:
For those people who aren’t “the sharpest knife in the drawer.” The $250 second place award went to Jam Sardar of Grand Rapids, Michigan for a label on a kitchen knife that warns: “Never try to catch a falling knife.”
“Hurry up, bartender! I’m late for the regatta.” The $100 third place award goes to Alice Morgan of La Junta, Colorado who found a very wacky warning on a cocktail napkin. The napkin has a map of the waterways around Hilton Head, South Carolina printed on it along with this: “Caution: Not to be used for navigation.”
And don’t eat the yellow snow, either. Kirk Dunham of Seabrook, Texas gets an honorable mention for a warning label he found on a bottle of dried bobcat urine made to keep rodents and other pests away from garden plants. It says: “Not for human consumption.”
But will it get cold in the refrigerator? Another honorable mention goes to Lyne Anton of Elk, California who found the following warning label on a baking pan: “Ovenware will get hot when used in oven.”
Read More...
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Posted by Marc Bressman
@ 12:06 AM
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Thursday, January 05, 2006 |
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Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show": "All kinds of gigantic after-Christmas sales going on ... Today in Washington lobbyist Jack Abramoff is selling Tom DeLay at 50 percent off."
Conan O'Brien, "Late Night with Conan O'Brien": "Republican lobbyist Jack Abramoff has agreed to cooperate with federal prosecutors. He could name up to 20 congressmen. When he heard this, President Bush said, 'That's amazing, I can only name three congressmen.'"
David Letterman, "Late Show with David Letterman," on Farris Hassan, the Florida teenager who ran away from home and went to Iraq: "He spent three weeks over there, and then he came home. At least he had an exit strategy."
Comedy writer Jake Novak: "Computer voting machine manufacturer John Diebold has died at the age of 79. In his will, he gave $10 million to his children, $5 million to charity, and one million votes to the next Republican candidate for president."
Comedy writer Jim Barach on the rumor that Donald Trump is considering a run for the governorship: "I don't think he's too sure about the process. He keeps calling George Pataki to tell him, 'You're fired!'"
O'Brien on the first time in more than 50 years that it rained during the Rose Bowl Parade: "Fortunately, officials were able to keep the parade route dry by dragging the Spongebob float back and forth."
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Posted by Marc Bressman
@ 10:59 PM
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Wednesday, January 04, 2006 |
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Funny...but kinda bizarre:
Courtesy of WKMG Local 6
A mother in Dallas is one of several parents complaining about a new interactive book for toddlers in which Sesame Street character Elmo asks "who wants to die?" according to a Local 6 News report.
Family members said 16-month-old Miranda Boll's new book, "Potty Time With Elmo," was supposed to teach an interactive lesson using voice commands.
However, when the book's buttons are pressed, it reportedly says something it is not supposed to -- "who wants to die?"
Read More...
Watch The Video
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Posted by Marc Bressman
@ 1:03 AM
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Tuesday, January 03, 2006 |
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I received the following in an email forward. I have a feeling some of this stuff isn't true, but for the stuff that is true, it's interesting:
- The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
- Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
- Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
- Coca-Cola was originally green.
- It is impossible to lick your elbow.
- The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
- The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)
- The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
- The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
- The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000
- Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
- The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer
- The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
- Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
- Spades - King David
- Hearts - Charlemagne
- Clubs -Alexander, the Great
- Diamonds - Julius Caesar
- 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
- If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
- Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and CharlesThomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
- In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase........ "goodnight, sleep tight."
- It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month . which we know today as the honeymoon.
- In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down."...It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
- Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. & When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
- Try This:
- 1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.
- 2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand.
- Your foot will change direction.
- I told you so .....And there's nothing you can do about it
- Questions/Answers
- Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
- A. Their birthplace
- Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
- A. One thousand
- Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
- A. All invented by women.
- Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
- Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
- A. Father's Day
- AND FINALLY...At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow
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Posted by Marc Bressman
@ 11:17 AM
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Comedy writer Alan Ray: "New Year's Eve is Saturday. In Times Square this week workers are once again erecting that well-worn facade commonly known as Dick Clark."
Conan O'Brien, "Late Night with Conan O'Brien": "Mayor Bloomberg estimates that over $7 million was lost during the transit strike. But the mayor made up for it when he found $7 million in a pair of old pants he put on."
Comedy writer Matt Passet: "Rough Christmas at the White House. This was the year they decided to tell President Bush there's no Santa Claus."
O'Brien: "President Bush is being criticized by right-wing groups because his Christmas cards to friends this year did not say 'Merry Christmas.' Instead they said, 'Sorry about the indictment.'"
Comedy writer Jim Barach: "Prince Charles says he doesn't want to be known as 'King George' when he assumes the throne of England, because people might confuse him with President Bush."
Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show," on "Newsweek" magazine's report that President George W. Bush called in the editor and publisher of The New York Times and asked them not to publish the article about him illegally eavesdropping and wiretapping people: "Here's my question: How did he know they were going to publish it?"
David Letterman, "Late Show with David Letterman": "The transit strike is over. Thank goodness. Today I carpooled to work with members of 'The View.'"
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Posted by Marc Bressman
@ 1:31 AM
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