Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show": "There's a sign at the gas station near my house. It says, 'We take Visa, Mastercard, Discover Card and American Express.' After I filled up my car, they took my Visa, Mastercard, Discover Card and American Express."
Comedy writer Janice Hough: "President Bush took his private 747 to California, rode to Stanford University in a long motorcade with dozens of police cars, and then took a private helicopter to Napa, just so he could ride a bike for Earth Day."
Jon Stewart, "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart": "The U.S. Army has recently sponsored a civilian-only essay contest called 'Countering Insurgency,' to solicit ideas from the public on how to best defeat the Iraqi insurgency. According to the Army journal Military Review, "Nothing less than the future of the civilized world might depend on it." ... The contest winner will receive the awesome prize of $1,000, because the future of the civilized world is worth at least 1/18th of a Nissan Altima."
Bill Maher, "Real Time with Bill Maher," on the border-patrolling vigilante group the Minutemen challenging President Bush to either build a wall on the Mexican border or they will: "And I say let them try, because if there's one thing that will change your mind about immigration, it's trying to build a 2,000-mile fence without the help of Mexicans."
