David Letterman, "Late Show With David Letterman": "The Bush administration says that they want to declare all golf course water hazards as federally protected wetlands. It's part of their effort to save restricted country clubs."
Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show": "President Bush had to ask for an extension on his taxes. He's still trying to decide whether or not to write off Donald Rumsfeld."
Comedy writer Jake Novak: "Supporters of Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld are strongly defending him against charges that he ignores advice from generals who disagree with him. They rightly point out that Donald Rumsfeld can't ignore advice he never bothered to listen to in the first place."
Tina Fey, "Saturday Night Live": "McDonald's is preparing to launch a campaign to counter the bad press expected to come with the release of the movie 'Fast Food Nation.' Unfortunately, the campaign will be undermined by McDonald's new Bacon Sundae Salad."
Letterman on the 100th anniversary of the 1906 San Francisco earthquake: "FEMA is on the way."
Leno on magician David Blaine's plan to live underwater for seven days and nights in a human aquarium in front of Lincoln Plaza: "Live underwater for seven days? People in New Orleans are going, 'Great. Good luck to you. Let us know how it works out.'"
