Michael Feldman, public radio's "Whad'Ya Know?": "Sen. Rick Santorum of Pennsylvania, the conscience of the right, said that people who don't heed future evacuation orders should be penalized if something worse than what they're going through can be found."
Bill Maher, "Real Time with Bill Maher," on assistance for Hurricane Katrina victims: "A Mexican army convoy crossed over the border this week to give us aid and water. Boy, you know your country's in trouble when the Mexicans are bringing you drinkable water."
Jay Leno, "The Tonight Show," on Michael Brown's resignation as head of the Federal Emergency Management Agency: "I think they knew he was a little slow. They gave him a year and a half to clean out his desk."
David Letterman, "Late Show with David Letterman," on John Roberts' confirmation hearings: "It can be a little dull, so they've changed the format. For example, he has to give his answers in the form of a question."
Conan O'Brien, "Late Night with Conan O'Brien":
"Disney opened its first-ever theme park in China. More than 10,000 children showed up on opening day, and that was just to make the T- shirts."
Comedy writer Matt Passet: "Frozen dessert franchise Tasti D-Lite was fined by New York City for misrepresenting its product as low- calorie and cholesterol-free. I guess their secret ingredient was ice cream."
Bill Maher, "Real Time with Bill Maher," on President Bush's delayed response to the crisis in New Orleans: "It only took him four days to make a plan, but finally today he said he had (one). Unfortunately, it's a faith-based plan that involves getting two of every animal onto a big boat."
Conan O'Brien, "Late Night with Conan O'Brien," on celebrity outcry over same: "Celine Dion criticized President Bush for the slow evacuation of New Orleans. Celine said, 'I could have driven everyone out of that city in two songs.'"
Comedy writer Alan Ray: "Cleanup continues in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. Officials say the looting persists. Bands of thugs are roaming the area pretending to be oil executives."
David Letterman, "Late Show with David Letterman," on Michael Jackson's efforts to beef up his image: "Earlier today, he changed the name of his ranch from 'Neverland' to 'The Ponderosa.'"
Comedy writer Jake Novak on the death of "Gilligan's Island" star Bob Denver: "The White House is declaring a national day of mourning to remember the man who originated the character President Bush has been playing since the 2000 election."
O'Brien on rap mogul Suge Knight's recovery from a gunshot wound to the leg: "Doctors say that Knight is fine, and should be shooting back in no time."
Bill Maher, "Real Time with Bill Maher": "We are sending 10,000 more troops into Iraq to shore them up for the upcoming election. That's just what we needed -- an entrance strategy!"
Comedy writer Rob Bates: "With the Sunnis exiting the negotiations for the new Iraqi constitution, a major part of the country now has no say in the government. In other words, the Sunnis are the Blue States."
David Letterman, "Late Show with David Letterman": "There's a bulletin from the State Department. Members of al-Qaida are sneaking into this country disguised as fishermen. ... As a result, airport security will be asking you to place your worms on a tray."
Comedy writer Jim Barach: "More motorists are using their credit cards to pay for gas. At the rate prices are rising, they'll soon have an option at the pump to take out a second mortgage."
Jimmy Kimmel, "Jimmy Kimmel Live," on Art Garfunkel being pulled over and charged with marijuana possession: "The sad thing is the troopers pulled him over to get Paul Simon's autograph."
Comedy writer Jake Novak: "An anthropology professor at Northern Arizona University decided to study undergraduates by living in a dorm and taking college courses for a year. Many of her fellow anthropology professors wanted to do the same, but on their salaries, no one else could afford the tuition."
Maher on hospitals employing techniques from the Middle Ages: "For post-operative blood coagulation, they are going back to flesh-eating maggots and blood-sucking leeches. Or as most people know them, HMOs."
Letterman on the summer heat: "It was so humid in New York City today, that Pat Robertson ordered a hit on Al Roker."
