Ruminations on College Life after 3 weeks
by Aaron Karo - University of Pennsylvania

First of all, can you believe we're in fucking college! Do you remember what your room at home looked like? Or what your parents look like? Shit, what the hell happened!

When my mom asked me if I know my way around, I said yes, but what I really meant was, I can only find the one room I have class in in each of only four buildings, the frat houses, the places that sell beer, anything open 24 hours, my room, 12 other kid's rooms, and 7-11.

I have no idea had to do laundry. No, no, not like I have some idea but just don't know how much fabric softener to use, I mean I have NO IDEA how to do laundry. I just had this vision that there would be some cute chick in the laundry room every time I went there who would show me how to do it. Dreams die hard, but I have no underwear.

I really really really really really really really really really really really miss my mommy.

Three weeks, it seems like three years!! Jesus! Every day seems likes a week! Every week is like a month! What the hell is going on here! I have entered a communist society. I own nothing, it all belongs to the university. I have no money, it's all my parents. My meals are served in little square portions at one brick building during only certain hours of the day!! Help, I'm in Russia!

"Okay, it's been fun, now it's time to go home.. .wait.. .what do you mean this isn't camp, it seems just like camp....what....four more years!!"

Do you remember how to drive?

Back to the cafeteria food, are you kidding me? Honestly, what is this? Mystery meat? My general rule of thumb is that if you have to ask what it is, just have a salad instead.

College life is like a fucked up spin cycle: Sleep, Beer, Eat, Smoke, Work (a little), Beer, repeat as necessary.

How can these teachers be soooo boring? Aren't there any screening processes? Do they just pick these guys off the streets and say, "hey, want to be an Ivy League professor?" I swear to god I have that guy from Ferris Bueller's Day Off' for at least three classes.

If all these campuses are supposed to be so diverse, how come everyone is white and from Long Island?

Are you good with names? I fuckin' forget them as soon as I hear them. Might as well not tell me at all! I have no idea what anyone's names are except my own, the kids I went to high school with, and that one hot girl who I have never spoken to but stalk from afar.

Remember when we were in high school and we used to check our mail on AOL and all our friends from college would forward us this funny shit, and we'd be like, who the hell makes this stuff up? Oh, shit, I'm one of them now. A college forwarding guy. Fuck me.

Hope you enjoyed this. Note: This is not a chain letter. No housewife in Illinois ever got fucked up the ass by goat because she didn't forward this and neither will you. If you forward it, others will laugh, if not, it's good for a private chuckle. Stay tuned for more!! Go Quakers!!!

Issue #2 - Life After 5 Weeks - 10/08/97
by Aaron Karo - University of Pennsylvania

How hot were the first few days of school? I had like 15 fans going at once in my room and one mini one that I kept directly in my face all day. That's basically who my good friends are now- the ones who had the best fans, because you were always in their rooms. This one kid had an industrial sized fan and a grilled cheese maker- he's my best friend now.

My school has an obsession with naked men. If you get shut out in beer pong, you have to run naked to the 7-11 and back. The night before the first economics exam, if you think you are going to fail, you streak across the Quad. And on the day of the first snowfall you have to run naked too. So all the guys are always grumbling about these stupid traditions. Now, if the girls were running naked, though, it would be a different story. We'd all be sitting around making up shit like the girls have to run naked to my room and back every odd Wednesday. I would serve refreshments, it would be great.

So I have all this money on a debit card. It's great, because it's no real money, you just swipe and 'poof!' free food! Of course when my mom gets the bill and asks me how I spent $12,000 on hoagies and Mountain Dew, I'll just be like, "it was for books!"

It finally happened. I drank too much and threw up. In my room. I remember nothing, I just woke up in the morning and there was vomit on the rug, mostly concentrated in my left shoe, and Rice Crispies all over the place. "The left shoe?" you ask. Well, my only guess was that the garbage can was too far away. The Rice Crispies on the other hand, I have absolutely no idea where they came from.

You have to love the communal bathrooms. When you have to take a shit you go through that little ritual. You know what I'm talking about first wipe down the seat, then put a strip of toilet paper on each side and, depending on the size of the shit, maybe one on the back of the seat too. Like that little piece of single-ply generic brand toilet paper is going to stop you from getting 'roids! Speaking of bathrooms, all my friends who share a bathroom with just one roommate always brag about how great it is. Personally, I would rather share a toilet with 10 other guys than just one. It's all about the uncertainty principle. When there is something disgusting on the toilet seat in a communal bathroom, you're never sure who did it. But if you only share the toilet with one other person, you know exactly who the dirty little fucker is- your roommate!

Continuing on this bathroom theme, my bathroom water has only two temperatures- off and thermonuclear hot. Just about the shower's only use is boiling water to make coffee. Even the toilet water is hot, when you flush so much steam comes out it's like fucking Old Faithful.

With the increasingly cold weather and the increasingly packed frat parties comes the paradox of clothing. If you dress warmly for the walk to the party, you'll sweat to death inside the frat. But if you dress lighter, you'll freeze to death before you even make it. So really the question is, before you die, would you rather have a couple of beers first?

How funny is your 8 AM class? It's like everyday you look at your schedule and your like, "Ha, like I'm waking up for that one! Yeah right, not a chance in hell, ha!" It's hysterical to think what you were actually thinking when you scheduled that class. Was I on crack?

The thing with E-mail is that it is so easy to fuck up so hugely. Case in point, the other day I wrote this fairly long letter to one of my good friends, describing in detail my binge drinking and what the girls call me after a night in bed. And then I accidentally sent it to my English Professor! The worst part is when the accidental receiver writes back, it s always something embarrassing like, "Nice message, Big Daddy." Fuck me. I better make sure this goes to the right place!

I hope you enjoyed this. Note: this is NOT a chain letter. No farmer in North Dakota ever got his balls caught in a meat grinder because he didn't forward this and neither will you. If you would like to forward it, please do so. If not, it's good for a private chuckle. Stay tuned for more! Go Quakers!!

Issue #3 - Life After 8 Weeks - 10/27/97
By Aaron Karo - University of Pennsylvania

How's the electricity situation in your room? My room breaks every fire hazard law in Pennsylvania. I got like a surge protector plugged into a surge protector connected by three extension cords. And behind my desk, Jesus, that's where stray wires go to die. If I ever spill a glass of water back there the whole fucking place will blow up.

Penn is fucking awesome, we just got a steam room in my hallway. Yeah, remember in the last issue when I said that our bathroom water has only two temperatures, off and thermonuclear hot? Well now the shower is broken. It's been running continuously for seven fucking days!! The shit's so hot it turned the place into a fucking steam room. We all go in there and sit around in towels talking about the stock market. It's great.

Let me just be honest. I have no idea what an imperfect monopoly is, I can't conjugate a Spanish verb, and I can barely spell calculus, let alone derive anything. But I can buy a keg, tap a keg, fix a keg, pump a keg, and do a kegstand, all with my eyes closed. College, ya gotta love it!

I have discovered the best spectator sport: watching kids fall asleep in class. Everyone's done it, it's fucking hilarious! You know, first their eyes start to close, then their head fall down, then back up again, then down again, then up again. I love it, pretty soon everyone in the class is fixated on this poor fucker who can't keep his eyes open. Yeah, it's always funny until it's you, then its like, "why didn't you wake me you assholes!"

So it was Parent's Day the other day, you know when all your relatives comes up to nag you for a weekend. They might as well call the day before it Hide-the-Beer day, because all you do is empty the fridge, clean out all the bottles, and take down all the pictures of you drunk off your ass from the wall.

Speaking of parents, I almost got my ass kicked when they visited. If you read the first issue of Ruminations, you know that I have no idea at all how to do laundry. I asked my dad if I could get the laundry service and he punched in the face and said something like, "Be a man and wash your own underwear!" That alone confused the fuck out of me. Anyway, I went behind their back and ordered the laundry service. Little did I know that when my mom came to visit I would have to take a quiz on the laundry room. "How much bleach do you use, do you need more quarters, do you have enough static guard?" I had no idea, I just bullshitted with her for like an hour. It's those kind of situations that make me wish I was Homer Simpson. Whenever he faces a crisis, he could just scream and jump out the window. Is this where my Ivy League education has got me- wishing I was a cartoon character? That's pretty sad.

And I'm sure most of us have gone back home for at least a weekend by now. That's an experience. You go home with that attitude like, "My parents better not try to control me!! I'll do whatever the fuck I want!!" Three hours later I was taking out the garbage and washing the dishes. I guess when I said my parents couldn't control me I didn't realize that they did control the car, the house, the money.......

How comfortable was your bed at home? I don't remember it being this comfortable!! It felt like I was sleeping in a cloud with the Care Bears and Snuggles the bear. And I don't even have one of those egg crate things underneath my mattress! I slept like 25 hours one day at home. And that was pretty weird because I missed an entire day, I felt like I went into the future; but then my dad kicked my ass for being such a lazy bum and I knew it was home sweet home.

When I was home I also visited my old high school. Now there's a depressing experience. All the teachers look the same and they're all doing exactly the same shit. And the new Senior class sucks dick. It's like we graduated and the rest of the high school got left back. Pretty fucked up. But the freshman girls looked pretty nice. Oh Jesus, did I just say that? Fuck me!

I hope you enjoyed this. Note: this is NOT a chain letter. No gas station attendant in Oregon ever got fucked up the ass by an elephant because he didn't forward this and neither will you. If you'd like to forward it, be my guest. If not, it's good for a private chuckle. Stay tuned for more! Go Quakers!!

ISSUE # 4
By Aaron Karo - University of Pennsylvania

Dry-erase boards. Now there's a great invention. My pen was stolen the first night so now it's fucking useless. And stupid me I put it over the peephole by accident and now I can't get the fuckin' double sided tape off so I'm stuck with an obsolete piece of glorified cardboard on my door. Who the hell stole my pen anyway? Is there some underground black market for pens whose mark can be erased so easily? And if there is, who the hell is stupid enough to buy them? It's just one of those college mysteries.

Ok, here's a little story, true of course. So I'm walking back from a frat at like 4:30 in the morning, alone and drunk off my ass (and obviously very stupid since I live in the ghetto) and this bum comes up to me and mumbles something. I didn't have any change, but I was drunk so I gave him a dollar bill. You know what the dude said to me? "I don't think you understood me man, I asked for a cigarette." So I go, "How can you be so picky? Don't you know that beggars can't be choosers?" I thought that that was funny.

Let's go back to the bathroom situation. The most difficult part of taking a shower in a common bathroom is the take-your-towel-off-before-you- get-in-the shower-but-don't-let-anyone-see-you-naked maneuver. It's really hard! If you aren't quick enough your towel will get soaked in the shower, but if you're slow, the dude using the sink right next to you will see all you have to offer. Plus you have to get it to hang correctly on the hook while making sure not to let the towel touch the pool of urine right below. It's a fucking obstacle course!

Let's continue on the shower situation. I don't know about your shower, but whoever designed my bathroom's shower curtain made it as aerodynamic as possible so that the slightest gust blows it completely off. If someone slams the door hard enough while you're taking a shower, the curtain blows right out the fucking window! And it always happens when you're washing your face so that your eyes are closed and don't notice the curtain is gone for like 2 minutes.

You guys have that cup. I know you do. You know, that one all-purpose cup that you use for everything from cereal to orange juice to shots of Johnnie Walker Black Label and never ever clean. At the end of the week that shit is sticky as hell. And there's always that poor spoon that gets stuck in the cup. Getting that spoon out is harder than pulling Excalibur from the stone!

(This joke is dedicated to Sickboy at Delaware, you know who you are!)

Is your hallway like the 'Loud Music Awards?' It seems that everybody is trying to blast their music as loud as possible. This one fucker went away for the weekend and left his stereo on full blast with that Jamiroquai song on repeat. He's dead now.

This has nothing to do with college but, hell this my thing I'll talk about whatever I want! Isn't one of the greatest feelings in the world when you discover pockets? You know, when you get a new pair of sweat pants or a fleece and you don't think it has pockets because they're kind of hidden, and then like two weeks later you just put your hands there and find them. Such a great moment! What can I tell you, I'm a simple man.

Do you have any classes in one of those semi-large lecture halls with swivel chairs all around? The swivel chairs are pretty cool, but sometimes I feel like I'm flying in the Millennium Falcon from Star Wars. Come to think of it, the kid next to me kind of looks like Chewbacca......

For some reason my friends find it fun to E-mail me all these porno videos. For instance just today I got one of a girl blowing a horse. Now that was just what I needed before lunch! I got so many fucking pornos that I think my computer has a virus. No, not like a computer virus, an actual sexually transmitted disease. Right now I'm wearing a full body condom just to write this. Fuck me.

(This joke is dedicated to Jay at Penn and Rose at Cornell, you dirty little fuckers!!)

I hope you enjoyed this. Note: this is NOT a chain letter. No farmer from Illinois ever got fucked up the ass by kangaroo he didn't forward this and neither will you. If you'd like to forward it, be my guest. If not, it's good for a private chuckle. Stay tuned for more! Go Quakers!!

Issue #5 - Life After the First Semester - 12/08/97
by Aaron Karo - University of Pennsylvania

Well, the first semester is drawing to a close, and what wild ride it has been. I have never consumed so many toxic substances, expelled as many body fluids, or did as much work as I have in the last few months. I guess college is kind of like an economics problem. You want to maximize toxic substances consumed, minimize body fluids expelled, and do a decent amount of work. Of course that's all theory. In reality I end up doing 12 kegstands, puking my brains out, and sleeping through my econ quiz. Well, I that's college for ya.

Speaking of puking, you ever notice that when you have to throw up, nothing will stop you from getting to the bathroom? I'm in my room the other night and I get that feeling in my throat, so I knock my chair down, bust open my door, sprint down the hallway, knock some chick down the stairs, barge into the bathroom, break down the stall door and then what do I do? I threw up on the toilet paper dispenser, completely missing the toilet. Hey, what do I care, I don't have to clean that shit up!

So we all have finals coming up. What's with these exams at night? My Italian final is at like 6:30pm, it's like a fucking meal. If someone asks me what I'm having for dinner that night, I'd be like, "Italian."

So I guess every freshman in the world is making their Spring Break plans for Cancun about now. Let me tell you, I went to Cancun my Senior year in high school. I got taken into custody by the Mexican Police for pissing on the side of the road next to Senor Frog's and cried my way out of going to jail. Let me warn you, be careful in Cancun, the fucking Mexican Constitution is written in pencil.

I'm obsessed with this gorgeous Junior girl who of course won't give me the time of day. But I really don't understand why. I don't think she understands that she being a gorgeous Junior girl and me being a lowly Freshman guy, that the first 11 times we hooked up, she wouldn't even have to move. I swear I would do all the work, she could just lie on her back the whole time. Why wouldn't she want that, I don't understand!

During Thanksgiving break I played in an alumni soccer game. My graduating class played the current varsity squad. My team was sad. I have never seen such a group of finely honed athletes degenerate into a bunch of fat, slow, beer-bellied, smoke-filled slobs in such short time, but I guess college will do that to ya. Hell, we were winning in the first half until we ran out of steam and got crushed. Fuck high school kids.

Well, our first semester of college is about over and some things are exactly the same as they were the first day: I still don't know anbody's name (I'm always like, "what's up bro?", "hows it goin' man?") I still don't know how to do laundry (did you know you have to wash your sheets?) and my room still reeks (I thought that milk lasts like a month or so!)

Things that have changed since the first day? Drinking capacity: Increased. Sleep time: Decreased. Taste for Beer: Increased. Taste for shitty, cheap beer: Increased exponentially. Personal Hygiene: Decreased. Need to get fucked up continuously: Increased. Long range projectile vomit ability: Increase exponentially.

Well, that's it, school is done soon and I can't wait to sit on me lazy ass and do nothing for three weeks. I'd like to thank everyone who wrote me with comments, RUMINATIONS is now being sent directly to over 100 students across the nation! Thanks for the support. I'll be back next semester with all new material and I'm sure some funny shit about pledging. Have a great break!

I hope you enjoyed this. Note: this is NOT a chain letter. No carpenter from Oklahoma ever got fucked up the ass by a kangaroo because he didn't forward this and neither will you. If you would like to forward it, please do so. If not, it's good for a private chuckle. Stay tuned for more next semester! Go Quakers!!