Ahhh...the Thanksgiving holiday...a time of peaceful relaxation and reflection...or NOT! I think I've pretty much saved up two months worth of errands for the Thanksgiving holidays...not to mention having to worry about getting back home to NJ, buying a car, and then taking care of everything else. Well, its Sunday afternoon right now and I've gotten a bunch of stuff accomplished, but still have way too much more to even be writing this right now! I did buy a new car, or rather, my parents bought me a new car to replace the one that was totaled after a PT Cruiser ran a red light and hit me (see older post). And when I say new...I mean its new to me, but its certainly not a NEW car...not that its old or anything. Its a 2000 Saab 9-5 and its really nice! Its got just about every luxury and accoutrement you could possibly put on a car, and it drives really well, not to mention that its a Turbo so it accelerates pretty damn fast! It's a much bigger car than my older 1995 Saab 900S, but it actually still drives like a small car...which is pretty nice. Anyway, I hope everyone had a happy and healthy Thanksgiving!!
Attorney: Are you going to be generally discussing that issue? Witness: If asked a question about it, yes. Attorney: Have you, in your mind, thought of a question that might be asked that you're going to offer an opinion on? I'm not going to throw stones into the wind trying to guess what you're going to say.
Q: And where did he give you those injections? A: In his office. Q: And that's exactly correct. Indeed he did. What part of your ... A: I'm sorry. Q: No, no, you're right. What part of your body did he inject?
Q: Does Quicken have -- or strike that. Did the Quicken program that you acquired have a capcity to generate a financial statement? A: Yes. Q: Was Quicken a, was the Quicken program that you -- when did you -- I'm sorry. Let me start over. When was the Quicken program first acquired? A: January 1st of 1992. Q: I don't know what I'd do if I weren't so articulate. It's been the key to my success.
Q: Then there's a minus $85,000 plus interest. What did you believe that referenced when you signed it? A: Creative financing. Q: But seriously, folks.
Q: Your foster son, Corey, who cooks for him? A: Oh, I do. Q: How often do you cook for him? A: We have probably one good meal a week. Q: Well, no commentary on your cooking, but how many bad meals do you have?
Q: But if the discount wasn't on the sales order form or the invoice or the monthly printout where would it be? A: In Kansas, along with Dorothy and Toto.
Q: And did the plaintiff tell you why she's feeling confident about going to trial in this case? A: She says God's on her side. Q: Any other reason other than that God's on her side? A: She's telling the truth. By MR. SMITH: And she's represented by me. By MR. JONES: Oh, that's true. I forgot that one. Well, that was self-evident, Mr. Smith.
Q: So, you are unconscious, and they pulled you from the bucket. What happened then? A: Mr. Stewart gave me artifical insemination. You know, mouth to mouth.
Q: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods? A: No. I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
Q: Are you married? A: No. I'm divorced. Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him? A: A lot of things I didn't know about.
Q: Doctor, as a result of your examination of the plaintiff, is the young lady pregnant? A: The young lady is pregnant, but not as a result of my examination.
Q: Now, Darren, remember all your responses must be oral. O.K.? Q: What school do you go to? A: Oral. Q: How old are you? A: Oral.
Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York? A: I refuse to answer that question. Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago? A: I refuse to answer that question. Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami? A: No.
Q: What is your name? A: Mary Ann O'Donnell. Q: And what is your marital status? A: Fair.
Q: Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence? A: Because he was argumentary and couldn't pronunciate his words..
Q: Mrs. Johnson, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No. This is how I usually dress when I go to work.
Q: Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial? A: The victim lived.
Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present? A: It indicates intercourse. Q: Male sperm? A: That's the only kind I know of.
Q: Tell me what you were like from age 17 to the present. What have your feelings been about having kids? A: I wanted to pursue an education and then meet the perfect man and be married a couple years, save some money, buy a house, and start a family. Q: When did that change? A: Well, -- By MR. SMITH: -- or did that change? THE WITNESS: It didn't. By MS. JONES: I think we all realize as we get older we're not going to marry the perfect man. By MR. SMITH: My wife did!
Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station? By OPPOSING COUNSEL: Objection your Honor! That question ought to be taken out and shot.
Q: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?
Q: When was the last time you saw Mr. Mitchell? A: At his funeral. Q: Did he make any comments to you at that time?
The Court addressing the Jury: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you peformed on dead people? A: All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
Q: Please state the nature of your relationship to the minor child. A: I'm his mother. Q: And you have been so all of his life?
The following excerpts appeared in the Salt Lake Tribune and were also taken from official court records nationwide :
Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?
Q: What happened then? A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me." Q: Did he kill you?
Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls?
Were you alone or by yourself?
Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture? A: That's me. Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?
Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Now then, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now? A: I'll be three months on March 12th. Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was around January 12th? A: Yes. Q: What were you doing at that time?
Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable? A: I used to be. Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
So, you were gone until you returned?
You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
Q: Have you lived in this town all your life? A: Not yet.
A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."
Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined that body of Mr. Huntington at St. Mary's Hospital? A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 5:30 P.M. Q: And Mr. Huntington was dead at the time, is that correct? A: No, you idiot, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was performing an autopsy on him!
Attorney David Douglas of Tustin, California recently submitted the following to Counsel Quest :
The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of their accident in the fewest words possible.
Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
The other car collided with mine without giving any warning of its intentions.
I thought the window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
A truck backed through my windshield and into my wife's face.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glaced at my mother-in-law, and headed over an embankment.
In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone poll.
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.
I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
I told the police that I was not injured, but upon removing my hat, found that I had a fractured skull.
I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.
The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front of my car.
Being that I'm a Mock Trial Junkie (better known as a "Mocker")...here's some humor that only other mock trialer's would appreciate: (thanks to Perjuries.com)
Murphy's Laws of Mock Trial
Ever wonder why mock trial practices haven't been going the way you've wanted them to? Ever wonder why competitions are in such scenic locations? Find out the answers to these and many more of Mock Trial’s little secrets.
Tournaments are only scheduled the weekend before your midterm.
Teams will call the most unlikely witness combination, just to mess with you.
Kinko’s will be closed for renovations the week before competition.
Your dry cleaner will burn down, while cleaning your favorite suit.
Your lay-overs will not be in New York, Los Angles, or Orlando, but rather places like Nebraska, Montana, and Utah.
Lay-overs will last forever
Less is more.
In trial, the number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.
If you don't say it, they can't repeat it.
When the plane you are on is late, the plane you want to transfer to is on time.
You will forget to bring your black socks and/or tie.
That 8 minute direct will actually take 14 minutes.
That 9 minute closing will actually take 25 minutes
99% of the inside jokes in the case are not funny.
For every rule, there is a loophole.
When team members are finally in a position to help the team, it turns out they have quit the team.
Witnesses are liars.
When crossing, be afraid of a smiling witness.
The amount of work done varies inversely with the amount of time spent at pratice.
Just when you've got the prefect cross, AMTA will issue a case change.
The bias of a witness is indirectly proportional to the necessity of said witness.
If attorney’s listened to themselves more often, they'd talk less.
Rules of Affidavits & Witnesses:
The information you have is not what you want.
The information you want is not what you need.
The information you need is not what you can obtain.
The information you can obtain costs more than you want to pay.
Easels have a one year life span
Philosophy of Mock Trial
When the law is against you, argue the facts.
When the facts are against you, argue the law.
When both are against you, call the other lawyer names.
If you don't like the answer, you shouldn't have asked the question.
Anybody can win at Mock Trial -- unless there happens to be a second entry.
General Mock Trial practice/round rules:
Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.
Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this stamps you as being wise.
Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the others.
If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
Justice always prevails . . . three times out of nine.
Rules for Objecting:
When in doubt, mumble.
When in trouble, lie.
When in losing, yell.
He who is silent, consents.
On Attractiveness: mock trial pretty and pretty are two different things.
Mock Trial Pick-Up Lines
Keirce (from Perjuries.com) writes, ""Hey, my teammates and I have been arguing over whether 'Yes, yes...oh yes!' qualifies best as an excited utterance or a present sense impression. Care to help me answer that once and for all?"
"Nice briefs."
-"Hey, baby, want to clear my enlargement?" -(likely response) "No, thanks. It wasn't that impressive to begin with...why else would you have to enlarge it?" -(snappy comeback) "Come on, give me a chance! You weren't looking at a fair and accurate copy!"
"Hey there, good lookin'. How about we go back to my room so I can impeach you?"
"How about you and I go discover the spirit of AMTA?"
"Now, is that purely for demonstrative purposes, or do you plan on entering it into evidence?"
"You look a little lonely...don't worry, I can keep you company. I'll show you my pretrial matter."
"Now, you do realize that even though that may be just for demonstrative purposes, you have to let me use it however I want to, right?"
"Hey, sexy, wanna help me practice my cross? You can be my witness and I'll make sure to give you a thorough examination."
"You know, this suit feels like a straitjacket...it's soooo uncomfortable. Care to help me out of it?"
"Why don't you put down that gavel? I have something better for you to bang..."
"Just call me Exhibit 1. You can enter me without objection."
"Sorry if my objection is premature."
And, a couple specific to the 2001-2002 AMTA case (State of Midlands v. Ashley T. Thornhill): "Whoops! I think I dropped my keycard down your pants...let me just reach down there and...hey, looks like I found State's Exhibit 1..."
"Your future, among other things, is in my hands...I believe it's in your best interest to satisfy me." "
2002-2003 Case (Lee and Andi Smith v. J.J. Thompson) Humor:
For all of you who thought being sick is fun, allow me to dispel any truth to that statement. Being Sick Is No FUN!!!
Remember when you were younger, and you always wanted to be sick so you could stay home from school (well...maybe it was just me...but go along with me on this)? And then when you got sick it sucked...but at least you didn't have to go to school? Well, when you grow up you get all the disadvantages of being sick and none of the advantages. I definitely need to go back to 5th grade where the only thing I worried about was who I'd play kickball with the next day. That was the life!
The police officer called me back after having spoken to the two witnesses who saw my accident, and informed me that she was going to amend the report to show that the other driver had failed to yield to a red light and the accident was there fault. Not only that, but I also found out that the other driver had a suspended license, so not only did they run a red and hit me, but they shouldn't have even been driving in the first place! Ahhh...it feels nice to be vindicated. I'd definitely still rather have my Saab and wish none of this had happened, but at least I'm doing better now than I was a few days ago. The police officer who's been invovled in this whole thing has been very nice and very helpful, and I'm very thankful to her, and to my team mate who first told me her friends had witnessed the accident, as well as those two individuals who didn't mind speaking to the police officer. Thanks!!!
For those of you that don't know already, I have some sad news. Back on the 6th, at like 7 PM, I was on my way to a mock trial meeting when I was side-swiped as I was going through an intersection. It was a really nasty hit, and my car spun like 7 times and landed like 50 feet away from where I was initially hit facing the wrong direction (after going completely over the curb and onto the grass and then back onto the street again). My airbags went off and everything. Luckily, I wasn't hurt at all, just a little shook up. But, I definitely have to give myself credit in that I pulled myself together pretty quickly and did all the right things (found out if the other driver and her passenger were OK (was two girls that were like 17 - 19 years old driving what looked like a brand new PT Cruiser) and then called 911 right away). It happened at an intersection between a regular street (which I was traveling down) and an off-ramp to the highway. I definitely had the green light, but unfortunately the girl also told the police that she had the green light and since no one else stuck around who might have witnessed it, the police officer could only put on the report that we disagreed and there were no independent witnesses. This really sucked, because it meant that I'd have to deal directly with my insurance company, and my rates would probably skyrocket even if I didn't do anything wrong. The Saab was towed away, and a few days later was declared a total loss by the insurance company since repairing it would cost more than it was worth. This also sucks, since I've had that car for quite some time, and all my friends and I have all had a lot of good memories in it, and now it's just gone basically. So for the time being I'm driving around in a Ford Escort that my insurance company is paying for. However, there is some good news at least. While on my mock trial invitational tournament trip to Yale, one of my other team mates told me that two of her friends had witnessed the entire accident and saw exactly what happened. I was a bit skeptical at first, but I spoke with one of them and they really did witness the whole thing. They were driving right behind me and confirmed that I did have the green light and the other car did run the red, and they knew all the details (the make of the other car, the location, etc.). I've spoken with the police officer who filed the police report, and she is going to try and contact one of them today, and assuming everything goes good, she'll amend her report to note that the other girl ran the red, and most likely her insurance company will pay for everything. So, I'm just waiting for the cop to call me back now, but at least this is better than it was a couple of days ago. Plus, when the other driver's mom (at least I think it was her mom) showed up at the scene, she seemed really nasty and obnoxious, and spent like the entire time talking to the cop without me present (no doubt trying to find out how exactly she could lay blame for this on me), so now I feel even better that I'm vindicated...or soon to be anyway.
