Being that I'm a Mock Trial Junkie (better known as a "Mocker")...here's some humor that only other mock trialer's would appreciate: (thanks to Perjuries.com)
Murphy's Laws of Mock Trial
Ever wonder why mock trial practices haven't been going the way you've wanted them to? Ever wonder why competitions are in such scenic locations? Find out the answers to these and many more of Mock Trial’s little secrets.
Tournaments are only scheduled the weekend before your midterm.
Teams will call the most unlikely witness combination, just to mess with you.
Kinko’s will be closed for renovations the week before competition.
Your dry cleaner will burn down, while cleaning your favorite suit.
Your lay-overs will not be in New York, Los Angles, or Orlando, but rather places like Nebraska, Montana, and Utah.
Lay-overs will last forever
Less is more.
In trial, the number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.
If you don't say it, they can't repeat it.
When the plane you are on is late, the plane you want to transfer to is on time.
You will forget to bring your black socks and/or tie.
That 8 minute direct will actually take 14 minutes.
That 9 minute closing will actually take 25 minutes
99% of the inside jokes in the case are not funny.
For every rule, there is a loophole.
When team members are finally in a position to help the team, it turns out they have quit the team.
Witnesses are liars.
When crossing, be afraid of a smiling witness.
The amount of work done varies inversely with the amount of time spent at pratice.
Just when you've got the prefect cross, AMTA will issue a case change.
The bias of a witness is indirectly proportional to the necessity of said witness.
If attorney’s listened to themselves more often, they'd talk less.
Rules of Affidavits & Witnesses:
The information you have is not what you want.
The information you want is not what you need.
The information you need is not what you can obtain.
The information you can obtain costs more than you want to pay.
Easels have a one year life span
Philosophy of Mock Trial
When the law is against you, argue the facts.
When the facts are against you, argue the law.
When both are against you, call the other lawyer names.
If you don't like the answer, you shouldn't have asked the question.
Anybody can win at Mock Trial -- unless there happens to be a second entry.
General Mock Trial practice/round rules:
Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.
Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this stamps you as being wise.
Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the others.
If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
Justice always prevails . . . three times out of nine.
Rules for Objecting:
When in doubt, mumble.
When in trouble, lie.
When in losing, yell.
He who is silent, consents.
On Attractiveness: mock trial pretty and pretty are two different things.
Mock Trial Pick-Up Lines
Keirce (from Perjuries.com) writes, ""Hey, my teammates and I have been arguing over whether 'Yes, yes...oh yes!' qualifies best as an excited utterance or a present sense impression. Care to help me answer that once and for all?"
"Nice briefs."
-"Hey, baby, want to clear my enlargement?" -(likely response) "No, thanks. It wasn't that impressive to begin with...why else would you have to enlarge it?" -(snappy comeback) "Come on, give me a chance! You weren't looking at a fair and accurate copy!"
"Hey there, good lookin'. How about we go back to my room so I can impeach you?"
"How about you and I go discover the spirit of AMTA?"
"Now, is that purely for demonstrative purposes, or do you plan on entering it into evidence?"
"You look a little lonely...don't worry, I can keep you company. I'll show you my pretrial matter."
"Now, you do realize that even though that may be just for demonstrative purposes, you have to let me use it however I want to, right?"
"Hey, sexy, wanna help me practice my cross? You can be my witness and I'll make sure to give you a thorough examination."
"You know, this suit feels like a straitjacket...it's soooo uncomfortable. Care to help me out of it?"
"Why don't you put down that gavel? I have something better for you to bang..."
"Just call me Exhibit 1. You can enter me without objection."
"Sorry if my objection is premature."
And, a couple specific to the 2001-2002 AMTA case (State of Midlands v. Ashley T. Thornhill): "Whoops! I think I dropped my keycard down your pants...let me just reach down there and...hey, looks like I found State's Exhibit 1..."
"Your future, among other things, is in my hands...I believe it's in your best interest to satisfy me." "
2002-2003 Case (Lee and Andi Smith v. J.J. Thompson) Humor:
