David Letterman, “Late Show with David Letterman”: “The theme of the Democratic convention is ‘unity.’ Unfortunately, they can’t agree on how that works.”

Comedy writer Jake Novak: “Hillary Clinton has released her delegates to vote for Barack Obama. Too bad they’re all voting for John McCain.”

Comedy writer Pedro Bartes on the short film about Clinton that aired before her speech: “Apparently the film was called, ‘The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pantsuit.’”

Letterman on Barack Obama choosing Joe Biden as his running mate: “Yeah, nothing says change like a guy who’s been in the Senate for 35 years.”

Jay Leno on Republicans citing health concerns over Biden’s brain aneurysms: “You can’t expect every vice president to be the picture of health like Dick Cheney.”

Conan O’Brien, “Late Night with Conan O’Brien”: “Thursday Barack Obama’s going to give his acceptance speech. Reportedly it will include performances by Bon Jovi and Bruce Springsteen. And they say Obama’s not black enough.”

From Letterman’s Top Ten Ways to Make the Democratic National Convention More Fun: “Try to squeeze Al Gore into the same suit he wore at the 2000 convention.”

Comedy writer Janice Hough: “This spring when John McCain launched his campaign tour of the ‘forgotten places’ in America, who knew he was talking about his houses?”

Courtesy of Ken Rasak and Newsday.com

Craig Ferguson, “The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson”: “Police in Denver are getting ready for the Democratic Convention in Denver. They’re ordering the stun guns, the barbed wire, the plastic handcuffs – and that’s just for Bill Clinton’s room.”

Stephen Colbert, “The Colbert Report”: “Congressional Quarterly reported this week that John McCain may have copied some facts in a recent speech on the Georgian crisis from Wikipedia. I think it should have been obvious when he referred to the country’s leader as ‘President 404 Error: File Not Found.’”

Comedy writer Janice Hough: “Hard to believe with all the time and money invested in the Olympics, that by the end of August they will be over. Just like the Yankees.”

Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg: “President Bush met Michael Phelps at the Olympics and touched his gold medal. There was an embarrassing moment when Bush suggested he should have it bronzed.”

Comedy writer Jim Barach: “Olympic Champion Michael Phelps says he eats 12,000 calories a day. This means that nearly every American can say they have the same diet as an Olympic gold medalist.”

Michael Feldman, public radio’s “Whad’Ya Know?”: “The Chinese government gets the gymnasts’ gold medals, the girls have to settle for gummi bears.”

Courtesy of Ken Rasak and Newsday.com

Comedy writer Alan Ray: “Russia has attacked Georgia. President Bush is monitoring the situation. If need be, he’s prepared to send troops to Atlanta.”

Comedy writer Janice Hough: “Bill Clinton has been causing more controversy by still refusing to say that Barack Obama is ready for the White House. Although after last week, he does say that he now feels John Edwards is ready.”

Ray on Brett Favre joining the New York Jets: “His new teammates can tell the QB is much older than they are. That orange drink he’s consuming isn’t Gatorade. It’s Metamucil.”

Comedy writer Jim Barach: “An Illinois inpatient facility is going to treat people who have an Internet addiction. As a special promotion, they’re offering a special discount to any patients who sign up online.”

David Letterman, “Late Show with David Letterman”: “President Bush arrived in Beijing earlier today. And before stepping out of the plane, he tested the air with a canary.”

Jimmy Kimmel, “Jimmy Kimmel Live”: “President Bush has become the first sitting U.S. president to attend the Olympics in a foreign country. He said he’s been looking forward to it ever since he learned that in China people are not allowed to make fun of political leaders.”

Courtesy of Ken Rasak and Newsday.com

Craig Ferguson, “The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson”: “President Bush arrived in South Korea today, and they had to use water cannons to push back the protesters. This shows you the change in times. When Bill Clinton visited there, they used the same water cannons for the wet T-shirt contest.”

Conan O’Brien, “Late Night with Conan O’Brien”: “The moderators were announced for the upcoming presidential debates. Barack Obama insisted on someone who asks evenhanded questions, while John McCain insisted on someone who will talk into his good ear.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray: “The Olympics begin in Beijing on Friday. The great thing about these games is there are no heavy favorites. In fact, the only thing locked up in China right now is the Tibetan delegation.”

Comedy writer Jim Barach: “Kansas Senator Sam Brownback says China will spy on Olympic visitors, including journalists and human rights activists. To which President Bush said, ‘Since when do you need an Olympics to do that?’”

Comedy writer Jake Novak: “Police are seeing a new crime trend as thieves are skimming drivers’ credit card data at fuel pumps. So now every time you fill up, you’re probably getting robbed twice.”

Barach on a study which says living with a spouse lowers the risk of developing Alzheimer’s disease: “For men, that’s true. Mostly because their wives never let them forget anything they’ve ever done wrong.”

Courtesy of Ken Rasak and Newsday.com

For those of you who want to skip reading this, it is going to be me ranting for a bit

This is the 21st century. Not only can we send a man to the moon, but we have an entire space station currently floating around the planet. If you want to talk to someone on the other side of the planet, you can pick up the phone and be connected instantaneously (or even better yet, message them via our global computer network). And if you need to buy something, you can shop at hundreds of thousands of virtual stores right from the comfort of your own home.

And yet, even though we live in this incredibly progressive and modern world, there are still some things that seem stuck in the past. If you walk into a store to buy something (whether it be a DVD player, groceries, or some flowers for your significant other) and pay with a credit card, you have to sign for your purchase. Not that this does anything at all to stop or prevent credit card fraud. In fact, as far as I can tell, there is really absolutely no valid reason to have to sign for your credit or debit card purchases anymore. You don’t have to do it when purchasing online, so why do you have to do it in the store? Maybe once out of a zillion times they check it against the back of the credit card, but even then it does nothing since criminals can actually reproduce valid credit cards with other people’s account numbers and sign the “fake” cards themselves (or a million other ways around this validation which hardly ever occurs anyway).

But even more annoying than having to sign for purchases, is the whole receipt and return policy that most stores have. If, god forbid, you lose that little piece of paper that they give you when you check out (not even a photocopy will do in most cases), you are pretty much out of luck for any kind of return (and I’m not just talking about returns where you just don’t want the item, but even returns where the item is defective or you were misled into purchasing the item by a sales associate). And for those few stores that will accept a return without a receipt, usually they only give you store credit and not your hard earned money back (and even then, the store credit is what the item is selling for today, not necessarily what you paid for it – of course, if the item is selling for more than you originally paid for it, somehow I imagine the store is not going to give you additional store credit).

Large stores and chains (and even small ones) spend a large amount of money on their computerized sales and purchasing systems. So I imagine that, if they really wanted to, they could easily look up your purchase if you didn’t have a receipt (simply by the bar code on the item or your credit card number) and easily validate a return that way. Of course, that would be too easy!

Online purchasing has it right, so why can’t stores follow suit. First, you don’t have to sign anything. You still have to validate the credit card is yours (in a much better manner – by providing your billing address, name on card, security code on card, etc.), but since a signature is a worthless security check and technologically hard to do with online purchases, it’s not required. Second, a receipt is emailed to you (and/or can be printed out), but in most cases it isn’t required to return something since they can just look you up in their system to validate the return and immediately accept it back and return your money. I for one am making more and more purchases online and less and less purchases in stores, not only because I can usually get a better deal online, but also because there are a lot less hassles with purchasing online (I can do it from my computer wherever I am, I don’t have to sign some stupid paper, and I don’t have to worry about losing my receipt and not being able to return whatever it is I’m buying).

I know I’m not alone in thinking that the whole credit card signature and return receipt policies that most stores have are ridiculous, but unfortunately, it seems everyone is just willing to accept them as a necessary evil. I wish more people would speak out about how backwards and obsolete these policies are and maybe we could actually get them changed and bring them into the 21st century.