Jay Leno, “The Tonight Show”: “Big controversy after State Department officials looked at passport files for the three major candidates. Turns out they got ahold of John McCain’s Social Security number. Know what it is? Three.”
Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg: “Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick was charged with perjury and misconduct stemming from a sex scandal. Kilpatrick’s political future in Detroit is bleak, but his chances of becoming the next governor of New York are excellent.”
Comedy writer Jim Barach: “Former Fed chief Alan Greenspan says the U.S. is in the worst financial mess since World War II. President Bush says he will fix that by getting us into World War III.”
Bill Maher, “Real Time With Bill Maher,” on the controversy involving Barack Obama and the Rev. Jeremiah Wright: “The thing is, Republicans, of course, don’t allow dangerous religious freaks to advise their campaigns. They nominate them.”
Comedy writer Alan Ray: “Wall Street is in turmoil these days. How can you spot a senior broker at Merrill Lynch? He gets his own private window ledge.”
Comedy writer Patrick Gorse: “Pundit James Carville called New Mexico Gov. and Clinton intimate Bill Richardson’s Easter-week endorsement of Barack Obama an ‘act of betrayal,’ comparing the timing of the announcement to Judas selling out ‘for 30 pieces of silver.’ Actually, Richardson got 30 gallons of gas.”
Courtesy of Ken Rasak and Newsday.com
Comedy writer Pedro Bartes: “Vice President Dick Cheney spent two nights in Iraq this week. Apparently, it was part of the Iraq vacation package special: If you survive the first night, you get the second one for free.”
Comedy writer Jake Novak: “New Gov. David Paterson admits he and his wife had affairs during a ‘rough patch’ in their marriage. That’s OK with New York voters, as long as those affairs weren’t with former New Jersey Gov. Jim McGreevey and his wife.”
Conan O’Brien, “Late Night With Conan O’Brien”: “According to The New York Times, prosecutors suspect Gov. Eliot Spitzer may have used money from his campaign fund to pay for his prostitute. When reached for comment, Spitzer said, ‘To be fair, I did get her vote.’”
Comedy writer Patrick Gorse: “It’s being reported that Charlie Sheen was also a customer of the escort who brought down Gov. Eliot Spitzer. Sheen apparently was known as client number ‘two and a half.’”
Comedy writer Janice Hough: “Despite trailing in the popular vote and in pledged delegates, as spring approaches Hillary Clinton still appears sure she can win it all. Well, she did grow up a Cubs fan.”
Comedy writer Jim Barach on pharmaceuticals being found in the water supplies of several cities: “Drug companies now want to charge a copay along with everyone’s monthly water bill.”
Courtesy of Ken Rasak and Newsday.com
David Letterman, “Late Show With David Letterman”: “It was one of those sting deals. And they caught Eliot Spitzer with a wire, recording him soliciting a prostitute. And I’m thinking, ‘Holy cow, we can’t get bin Laden, but we got Spitzer.’ “
Comedy writer Janice Hough: “Apparently Gov. Spitzer was arranging his tryst with the escort service in a Washington, D.C., hotel room. I guess this is what he meant by getting crime out of New York.”
Amy Poehler, “Saturday Night Live”: “A voluntary adviser to Barack Obama resigned Friday after calling rival Hillary Clinton a ‘monster.’ Responded Hillary, ‘Arrghhh.’”
Comedy writer Jim Barach: “Voters in two Vermont towns have called for the arrest of President Bush and Vice President Cheney should they ever visit. When Bush was told the law was nonbinding and symbolic, he said, ‘Oh, you mean like the U.S. Constitution?’”
Comedy writer Jake Novak: “A vast array of pharmaceuticals, including anti-convulsants, mood stabilizers and sex hormones, have been found in the drinking water in hundreds of American cities. Well, that explains the last two presidential elections.”
Courtesy of Ken Rasak and Newsday.com
Jay Leno, “The Tonight Show”: “Everyone is so concerned where all the candidates are born. McCain was born on a military base in the Panama Canal Zone. Hillary was born outside Chicago. And if you believe the media, Barack Obama was born in a manger.”
Comedy writer Jake Novak: “Dmitry Medvedev has won the Russian presidential election with 70 percent of the vote. In a related story, 30 percent of the Russian population is about to be executed.”
Comedy writer Jim Barach: “John McCain said his remark that we would be in Iraq 100 years was misunderstood. He pointed out that for him, 100 years isn’t all that long.”
Leno on President Bush’s announcement that America is not headed into a recession: “Especially if you own an oil company.”
David Letterman, “Late Show With David Letterman”: “Los Angeles’ tap water was voted the tastiest in the United States. I like New York City tap water. I like that you can blow the head off it.”
Conan O’Brien, “Late Night With Conan O’Brien”: “A photo has been circulating of Barack Obama in a turban. This should actually help Obama with a key group of voters in New York: taxi drivers.”
Barach on New Jersey making hand-held cell phones illegal for calls and text messages while driving: “Most New Jersey drivers will still be able to communicate to other drivers with the traditional finger.”
Courtesy of Ken Rasak and Newsday.com