Bill Maher, “Real Time with Bill Maher”: “President Bush has embarrassed himself and the nation in Australia today. I don’t know if you know this, he was at the APEC convention, he said it was OPEC. Then he referred to the Australians as the Austrians, and then he almost walked off the edge of the stage and killed himself. He was going to step on a rake and have it hit him on the head, but he was saving that for the French.”

David Letterman, “Late Show with David Letterman”: “I heard something interesting today. After he leaves office, George W. Bush is going to start a think tank. That’s … like Michael Vick opening an animal shelter.”

Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg: “Britney Spears gave a heavily criticized comeback performance at the MTV Music Video Awards in Las Vegas. They showed rapper 50 Cent in the audience cringing. You know a performance is bad when a guy who’s been shot nine times can’t take it.”

Comedy writer Jim Barach: “Rosie O’Donnell has trashed her own novel on her Web site. It’s finally happened. She has run out of people to pick fights with, so now she’s going after herself.”

Comedy writer Jake Novak: “In a new videotape, Osama bin Laden urges his followers to take greater advantage of the 9/11 anniversary. Of course, to really do that they’d have to join the Rudy Giuliani campaign.”

Courtesy of Ken Rasak and Newsday.com

Jay Leno, “The Tonight Show”: “Idaho Sen. Larry Craig announced he would voluntarily give up his seat. Isn’t that how he got in trouble in the first place?”

Comedy writer Alan Ray: “White House spokesman Tony Snow is quitting. His job was to vigorously promote and defend the Bush administration. Then he left Fox News, and went to work for the president.”

Conan O’Brien, “Late Night With Conan O’Brien”: “Fred Thompson, a former star of ‘Law & Order,’ confirmed with his supporters that he is running for president. Afterwards, he promised to solve the crisis in Iraq by the end of the episode.”

Comedy writer Jim Barach: “A Zogby poll says that 54 percent of Americans believe the Iraq war has not been lost. Coincidentally, these are the same people who have subprime mortgages.”

Bill Maher, “Real Time With Bill Maher,” on the Government Accountability Office report on Iraq: “They say Iraq has failed to meet 15 of the 18 benchmarks they had to meet. To give you an idea of how pathetic that is, Lindsay Lohan is doing better in rehab.”

David Letterman, “Late Show With David Letterman”: “Leona Helmsley left her dog $12 million. The dog is a tiny Maltese, or as Michael Vick calls it, ‘an appetizer.’”

Comedy writer Matt Passet: “The U.S. Open’s been going on. I haven’t seen this many white people in one place since the Republican convention.”

Courtesy of Ken Rasak and Newsday.com