Are you stressed out? Read on!

Do you know who, in 1923, was:

1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?
4. The greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. The great Bear of Wall Street?

These men should be considered some of the world’s most successful men” at least they found the secret of making money. Now more than 65 years later, do you know what became of these men?

1. The president of the largest steel company, Schwab, died a pauper.
2. The president of the largest gas company, Howard Hopson, is insane.
3. The president of the New York Stock Exchange, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooper, died abroad, insolvent.
5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement shot himself.
6. The great Bear of Wall Street, Mr. C. Riverhore, committed suicide.

That same year, 1923, the winner of the most important golf championship, Gene Sarazen, won the U.S. Open and PGA Tournament. Today he is still playing and he’s solvent.

Conclusion: Stop worrying about business and play golf!!!!

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like ‘chalk’ or ‘pencil’, she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, ‘What gender is a computer?’

The teacher wasn’t certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot data, but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Memorandum
As a result of the merger, immediate steps are being implemented to reduce the number of personnel on the payroll. It is our intention to reduce the number of older employees and retain the younger lower-paid employees through this program.

This program to phase out older personnel through early retirement will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Employees who are RAPED will be given the opportunity to look for other jobs outside the company. Also, if they are being RAPED, they can request review of their employment records before actual retirement. This phase of the program is called SCREWED (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).

All employees who have been RAPED and SCREWED may file an appeal to upper management. This will be called SHAFT (Study by the Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of this new policy, employees may be RAPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedures, he/she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retirement Personnel for Early Severance). Since HERPES is considered a benefit of the plan, any employee who has received HERPES will no longer be RAPED or SCREWED.

The company wishes to assure the younger employees who remain that the company will continue its policy to ensure that employees are well trained through our SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) program. The company takes pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any other company in the world. However, if an employee feels that he/she does not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trainied to make sure that you receive all the SHIT that you can stand.

At New York’s Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney general John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

“Al-gebra is a fearsome cult,”, Ashcroft said. “They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like ‘x’ and ‘y’ and refer to themselves as ‘unknowns,’ but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval evil with coordinates in every country.”

“As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to every triangle,” Ashcroft declared. When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, “If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.”

“I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence,” the President said, adding: “Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line.”

President Bush warned, “These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scale never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor in random facts of vertex.”

Attorney General Ashcroft said, “As our Great Leader would say, read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertainty of: though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens around their necks.”

I’m a customer of Sprint, and while they might have the best deals on service, they are pretty much the same as the rest of the cell companies in terms of providing terrible customer service. For a while now, I’ve been concerned over there complete and total disregard for customer’s account security, and finally, after emailing and calling them regarding my concerns, I decided to send an email to The Consumerist to see if they could assist.

Here’s the email I sent them: E-Mail Sent to Consumerist.com Regarding Sprint’s Lack of Account Security.

How ridiculous is this story: Mummified body found in front of blaring TV (Alternate Link)

Now I just need to figure out how I can get the electric company to not turn off my electricity either when I stop paying ?

Jay Leno, “The Tonight Show”: “Supreme Court Justice Scalia’s daughter was arrested in Illinois for DUI and child endangerment. She says she’s gonna fight it all the way to the Supreme Court.”

Comedy writer Pedro Bartes: “Majority Leader Harry Reid told CNN’s ‘Late Edition’ that the war in Iraq was the worst foreign policy mistake in the history of this country. Not to be outdone, President Bush promised he’d top that by attacking Iran.”

Bill Maher, “Real Time with Bill Maher” on same: “[The president] said the Iranians are sending weapons into Iraq. He’s sure it’s reliable intelligence, because this time he was in the room when they made it up.”

Conan O’Brien, “Late Night with Conan O’Brien”: “The latest political rumor is that if Hillary Clinton wins the presidency, she will be replaced in the Senate by her husband, Bill Clinton. When asked about it, Bill Clinton said, ‘I dream of replacing Hillary every day.’”

Leno on Presidents Day: “We honor presidents ranging from George Washington, who couldn’t tell a lie, to George Bush, who couldn’t tell the truth, and Bill Clinton, who couldn’t tell the difference.”

David Letterman, “Late Show with David Letterman”: “This guy in Long Island is dead, and he’s been watching TV for a year, and the TV is still blaring away. The neighbors and friends first became suspicious when they realized he sat through an entire episode of Dr. Phil.”

Courtesy of Ken Rasak and Newsday.com

Comedy writer Jim Barach: “Russian President Vladimir Putin accused the United States of creating an arms race that could lead to another cold war. To which President Bush agreed, saying a cold war was his plan to end global warming.”

Conan O’Brien, “Late Night With Conan O’Brien”: “Over the weekend, Sen. Barack Obama announced he’s running for president. [He] gave a speech in front of thousands of people in Iowa. During the speech, Obama pointed out his family in the crowd, which was unnecessary since he was in Iowa.”

Jay Leno, “The Tonight Show”: “The Dixie Chicks won five Grammys. I don’t want to say President Bush was upset, but today he tried to get the Supreme Court to overturn the ballot results.”

Comedy writer Jake Novak on North Korea’s tentatively agreeing to close down its nuclear weapons program in exchange for energy aid: “They realized that having nuclear weapons labs means nothing if you can’t afford to heat the building that houses them.”

Leno on Lincoln’s birthday: “Lincoln once said, ‘A house divided against itself cannot stand.’ A very famous quote later proved wrong by the Clintons.”

Barach on criticism that New York City police are increasing stops and frisks, patting down people on the street: “They are just preparing them for riding the subways.”

Courtesy of Ken Rasak and Newsday.com

These two guys have made some really damn funny videos…check them out here: baratsandbereta.com Videos

Also, check out the rest of their website: baratsandbereta.com

Courtesy of Tracie Rosenbaum