About This Airline Bail Out...

This is a tough question for a dedicated libertarian.
Should the government use its police power to seize money from taxpayers and transfer that money – partly as a gift and partly as a loan – to the airlines to keep them afloat?

It’s a tough question, and we’ll deal with it on the air and in the Nuze. One thing … to the extent that the airline problems are due to government actions, the government owes the airlines some compensation.

But … let’s face it. The airlines haven’t exactly been doing a lot to earn the undying love and gratitude of the American public. Let’s just say, for the sake of argument, that the taxpayers of America do step forward and bail out the airline industry. How about a few things in return?

Non-refundable, non-transferrable tickets.
Come on, now. In any other area of our economy if a person purchases an item or a service and they find they can’t use it later on they can either (a) get their money back, (b) transfer the item or service to some other person or (c) set it aside to be used later without charge. But not with the airlines. Buy your ticket and find that you can’t use it and it’s “sorry, Charlie.” Make all airline tickets refundable up to 24 hours before departure, after that point they’re exchangeable. Make them transferable too.

Arrogance.
Sorry, but it’s a fact. Many airlines and airline officials have adopted a position of complete arrogance toward the flying public. Think about it, folks. When is the last time an airline employee actually went out of their way, above and beyond the normal call of duty, to satisfy a complaint or address a special request. Try to get a bulkhead or an exit seat. Sorry, they’re gone. I don’t care if you make your reservations two years in advance, the bulkhead and exit seats are already gone. When you show up at the gate you overhear one of the precious frequent fliers ask for that seat and get an immediate “Yes sir! That’s available.” OK – if the taxpayers step the bulkhead seats go to the first person that asks for them. Ditto for exit seats, subject to an ability to actually open that door.

Screaming Babies
You want my money to bail you out? Then how about a separate section of the airplane — far in the back — for travelers with screaming babies. Don’t mix them with the rest of the passengers who have probably been working hard and need a break. Also – no children under ten years of age in first class.

Carry-on Luggage
Fine for the adults – within reason. But NOT FOR CHILDREN. We don’t care how much your child whines about wanting his or her own Big Bird or Buzz Lightyear rolling carry-on bag, the answer is NO. Just sit there and shut up until the flight is over.

Baggage claim
We understand why you would want to be careful about what bags get on your airplanes. When you take that bag off at the end of the flight it’s no longer your worry, it’s ours. Get the pilots and flight attendants to help you unload the airplane if you have to — but get the damned bags to baggage claim NOW! Not tomorrow. Forty-five minutes is too long to wait. If you want us to stop packing everything we own into carry-on bags you need to find a way to reunite us with our luggage quickly.

Better snacks and food.
This sky-deli crap has to go. A terrorist could slip a hard-boiled egg or a broccoli spear in there. Just come down the aisle with a wagon full of Krystal cheeseburgers and a vat of chili and everything will be fine.

Fleshy Fliers
An absolute ban on men wearing tank tops or shorts on commercial airliners. If an overweight grotesquely hairy blubber-butt shows up in a tank top he shall be treated as a security risk and arrested. The airlines can solve this problem by having tyvek overalls on hand for these people to wear. On the back of the overalls will be printed the words “I came to the airport looking like a fat pig and all I got was these damn overalls.”

That damned Saturday night stay.
Where the hell did this nonsense come from? Why do you care whether or not we stay over a Saturday night? Do you get a commission from the hotels? When we want to come home, let us come home. Don’t make us stay in a strange city away from our loved ones for an extra night if we don’t want too.

Wide-open stand-by
If I have a ticket to fly from Phoenix to Cincinnati you should let me get on any airplane I want to so long as there is an empty seat and the aircraft isn’t over gross. Hey, I paid for the ticket — why should I have to sit six extra hours in the airport while a plane to my destination takes off with an empty seat just because my ticket is for a later flight. Either way, you get a butt in a seat and money for a ticket. Oh — and no charge for changing either.

Just be honest.
Is my flight going to be on time? If I walk up to the gate and see a departure time of 8:30 on the sign – and it’s 8:15 and I can plainly see that there’s no plane at the gate, don’t tell me the flight is going to be on time. It isn’t going to be on time. It’s going to be late – and there are people I need to call to let them know. No more of these “eat dog waste and die a horrible death” looks from the gate agents and obnoxious “It says 8:30, doesn’t it?” responses when I ask how long the delay is going to be.

I don’t WANT to pull my seatback up yet.
OK, I know why I have to put away my tray table and pull my seatback to its full upright and locked position on takeoff and landing. It’s so people can get out of the airplane in an emergency, right? And to keep people from being hurt when Captain Kangaroo lands a little rough. Fine. I’ll go along with it. But don’t send the Gestapo down the aisle barking at me about my seat backs when we’re headed for Atlanta and the airplane is over Birmingham. Tell us to pull our seat backs up when the gear goes down. That ought to do it.

Non-reclining seats
There is no more uncomfortable space on this planed which is designed for occupancy by a human being than those damned seats on airliners that won’t recline. These are the seats with an exit row right behind them. Anyone riding in these seats should get a voucher for a free first-class upgrade on a space available basis for their next flight.

Free headphones
Simple enough. Those people in the seats are paying taxes to bail your asses out of some pretty stupid financial decisions. Give them free headphones – and an audio channel for The Best of Boortz.

Cell Phones
I’m still not convinced that cell phones screw with the navigation system. Doesn’t happen on my airplane. Let the passengers use the cell phones. They used them on those hijacked flights and we didn’t see any navigation problems there, did we? Seems to me the navigation was rather good.

Class Warfare boarding.
Now I understand why you like to board the airplane from the rear forward. Great. But the entire purpose of this exercise is defeated if you give your precious Super-Platinum-Diamond-Gold Medal frequent flying passengers a head start on everyone else. I don’t care how many frequent flier miles they have. I’m paying for my ticket (and for your bailout) and they are on expense accounts. Go look at the way Southwest boards their airplanes. Do it that way.

Attractive Flight Attendants.
Two words. Singapore Air. Oh, and can we slim some of them down too? On a recent flight I had an aisle seat. I got the hell beat out of me every time the flight attendant walked by. Look, if they have to go up and down the aisles sideways like a huge crab they probably should be given a desk job somewhere — with a very sturdy chair.