Comedy writer Alan Ray: “President Bush says Iraq is not having a civil war. It’s just part of the growth of democracy. He sees it as Shia and Sunnis exercising their rights to bear arms.”
Jay Leno, “The Tonight Show”: “Security’s so bad for the Bush twins the U.S. embassy has asked them to leave Argentina, and they said no. Like father, like daughters – they have no exit strategy.”
David Letterman, “Late Show With David Letterman”: “Vice President Dick Cheney visited Saudi Arabia over the weekend, and he’s very popular in Saudi Arabia. Over there, he’s known as Lawrence of Arrhythmia.”
Comedy writer Jake Novak: “Mayor Bloomberg says it’s ‘unacceptable’ that police fired 50 shots and killed an unarmed man after his vehicle slammed into a car filled with undercover cops. Of course, if the victim had hit a car filled with civilians in the city, they would have shot him 50 more times.”
Comedy writer Jim Barach on the celebrities who showed up to help serve Thanksgiving dinner to the homeless in Los Angeles: “One of the most touching moments was when Britney Spears personally served up a dinner to Kevin Federline.”
Ray on Wal-Mart opening stores in India: “Talk about different cultures. One was founded on a caste system of nobles and lower-income servants. The other is a country.”
Courtesy of Ken Rasak and Newsday.com
Jay Leno, “Tonight Show With Jay Leno,” on the newest Thanksgiving fad: “Have you heard of the turducken? It’s very popular for Thanksgiving. It’s a chicken stuffed inside a duck, stuffed inside a turkey. In Asia, they call it the bird flu trifecta.”
Comedy writer Jake Novak: “Fox has decided to cancel the two-hour O.J. Simpson television special and book ‘If I Did It.’ Viewers who want to see a despicable liar and thug on Fox will just have to stick to watching Bill O’Reilly.”
Seth Meyers, “Saturday Night Live”: “Sen. Trent Lott, who was ousted from the Senate leadership four years ago because of remarks considered racially insensitive, won election … as the Senate minority whip. Lott was disappointed to learn this doesn’t mean he gets to whip minorities.”
David Letterman, “Late Show with David Letterman,” on actor Michael Richards’ hurling racial epithets at a heckler at an L.A. comedy club: “I blame Borat.”
Conan O’Brien, “Late Night with Conan O’Brien,” on President George W. Bush’s Asia trip to seek support for the war in Iraq: “Experts say nothing builds support for a war like a trip to Vietnam.”
Comedy writer Jim Barach on the new Sony’s Play Station 3: “It went on sale over the weekend, resulting in fights, stabbings, and even shootings among anxious customers. At some stores, it was almost as violent as a video game.”
Courtesy of Ken Rasak and Newsday.com
A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn’t mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other’s clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, “Well, how was it?”
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:
Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf
This was a recent SNL quote regarding the US Election that just occurred, and I though it was pretty funny:
“On Tuesday night, in an ironic turnaround, Iraq brought regime change to the U.S.”
—Amy Poehler
Jon Stewart, “The Daily Show with Jon Stewart”: “Twenty-three years ago [Donald Rumsfeld and Saddam Hussein] shook hands. No one then could have guessed how closely their fates would be intertwined, or that [last] week would be kind of a crappy week for both of them. Just days after Saddam Hussein was sentenced to death, Donald Rumsfeld was dealt an even crueler punishment: irrelevance.”
Bill Maher, “Real Time with Bill Maher,” on last week’s midterm elections: “Democrats won in places they were never even competitive before – like America.”
David Letterman, “Late Show with David Letterman:” “A lot of changes after the elections last week. Dennis Hastert, speaker of the House, is out. But don’t worry about Dennis Hastert. One year from now, he’ll be on ‘Oprah’ in a bikini.”
Comedy writer Jim Barach: “Florida Gov. Jeb Bush awarded a 111-year-old WWI veteran a Victory Medal. [President] Bush then immediately re- deployed him to Iraq.”
Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg: “Rumor has it that Fidel Castro is dying and his net worth is $900 million. As a result, Anna Nicole Smith has become a Communist.”
Comedy writer Alan Ray on Prince’s becoming a weekend act at a Las Vegas club: “The culture has changed his show a little. The song ’1999′ now refers to the price of the buffet.”
Barach on Mick Jagger’s father dying at age 93: “The funeral home tried to embalm Keith Richards by mistake.”
Courtesy of Ken Rasak and Newsday.com
Jon Stewart, “The Daily Show with Jon Stewart”: “This weekend, after a nine-month trial, an Iraqi high tribunal sentenced Saddam Hussein to death by hanging – which in Iraq is still considered ‘natural causes.’”
Comedy writer Sandra Purcell on Nancy Pelosi succeeding Dennis Hastert as speaker of the House: “Pelosi said her first act as speaker will be to cancel Hastert’s no-bid contract with Dunkin’ Donuts.”
Jay Leno, “The Tonight Show”: “The unemployment rate came out. It’s down to 4.4, lowest in the world, which is good news for Republicans. That means after [the election], they’ll be able to find jobs.”
Conan O’Brien, “Late Night with Conan O’Brien”: “The leader of a Christian group has resigned after allegations surfaced that he frequently paid a man for sex. People are shocked because this guy’s always been a critic of gay marriage. In defense, the Christian leader said, ‘Hey, it’s not like I married the guy.’”
Comedy writer Janice Hough: “Dick Cheney went hunting on Election Day. In the spirit of bipart- isan cooperation, the Democrats asked if John Kerry could join him.”
Comedy writer Jim Barach on Lance Armstrong finishing the New York Marathon in under three hours: “People were amazed. Who’d have thought you could go 26 miles anywhere in the city in under three hours?”
Courtesy of Ken Rasak and Newsday.com
Bill Maher, “Real Time with Bill Maher”: “The New Jersey Supreme Court says homosexuals actually have the same civil rights as straight people, which means they can marry. See, this is the difference between Democrats and Republicans. Democrats want gays to get married. Republicans know congressmen need to be able to play the field.”
Comedy writer Jake Novak: “John Kerry is insisting his comment that people who ‘don’t study in school end up stuck in Iraq’ was a botched joke directed at President Bush, and not U.S. soldiers. His supporters argue this would be consistent with the botched joke that was his 2004 presidential campaign.”
Jay Leno, “The Tonight Show”: “Nevada gubernatorial candidate Jim Gibbons has been accused of trying to fondle a single mom in a parking garage after a night of heavy drinking. Now they’re saying to win, he has to give the speech of his life – and that’s just to Mrs. Gibbons.”
Conan O’Brien, “Late Night with Conan O’Brien”: “Rush Limbaugh recently upset a lot of people because he accused Michael J. Fox of exaggerating his Parkinson’s disease symptoms for political reasons. Then Limbaugh accused Stevie Wonder of exaggerating his blindness for free sunglasses.”
Seth Meyers, “Saturday Night Live”: “Many say that London has replaced New York City as the world’s undisputed financial capital. Hear that terrorists? The world’s undisputed financial capital is London.”
Courtesy of Ken Rasak and Newsday.com