THE YEAR’S BEST [actual] HEADLINES OF 2005:

Crack Found on Governor’s Daughter
[Imagine that!]

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now that's taking things a bit far!]

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so!]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think?]

Cold Wave Linked to Tempertures
[Who would have thought!]

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
[He probably IS the battery charge!]

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[Weren't they fat enough?!]

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas In Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]

And the winner is….

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the Devil is waiting for him.”I don’t know what to do here,” says the Devil. “You’re on my list but I have no room for you, but YOU DEFINITELY have to stay here, so I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’ve got three people here who weren’t quite as bad as you. I’ll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I’ll even let YOU decide who leaves. But your choice will be final.” George thought that sounded pretty good, so
he agreed.

The Devil opened the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. He kept resurfacing over and over and over, gasping for air. Such was his fate in hell. “No!” George said. “I don’t think so. I’m not a good swimmer and don’t think I could do that all day long.”

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time, and more rocks appeared. “No! I’ve got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!” commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, “Yeah, I can handle this.”

The devil smiled and said… “Monica, you’re free to go!”

How ridiculous is this cover…but also pretty funny…NY Post at its finest:

Jay Leno, “The Tonight Show:” “You know what’s interesting about [the failed constitutional amendment banning gay marriage]? According to polls, 51 percent of Americans do not approve of gay marriage, but 70 percent of Americans do not approve of President Bush. So gay marriage is actually more popular than he is.”

Conan O’Brien, “Late Night with Conan O’Brien:” “The Secret Service caught a man trying to climb over the White House fence. When they caught the man, the Secret Service said, ‘Not so fast. You have three more years, Mr. President.’”

Comedy writer Jake Novak: “Al Gore says he’s all but ruled out running for president in 2008, because he enjoys talking about global warming more. Of course, a Gore campaign and global warming are both impending disasters.”

Comedy writer Janice Hough: “The Stanley Cup finals feature the Oilers vs. the Hurricanes, which is also a good way to sum up the last year for the Bush administration.”

Comedy writer Jim Barach: “Knicks coach Larry Brown says he feels like a dead man walking. Which – except for the walking part – pretty much describes the Knicks this past season.”

O’Brien on a new article in Vanity Fair accusing “Da Vinci Code” author Dan Brown of plagiarism: “Critics say this finally explains the chapter where Jesus attends Hogwarts school for wizards.”

Courtesy of Ken Rasak and Newsday.com

I have no idea what the following site really even is, or why or for what reason it exists, but I just found this particular portion of it to be pretty funny: Strong Bad E-Mail. Check out the different emails this Strong Bad character receives and how he responds to them

And if you have some more enlightening information about this site, please let me know… (post it as a comment)

Jay Leno, “The Tonight Show”: “[Last week] the Capitol building in Washington, D.C., was on lockdown because someone heard gunshots coming from the parking lot. When the Capitol police heard this, they all said the same thing: ‘Cheney.’”

Comedy writer Matt Passet: “Barry Bonds this weekend hit home run number 715 to surpass Babe Ruth’s record. This is the greatest feat for an athlete on drugs since the 1986 Mets won the World Series.”

Comedy writer Jim Barach: “A survey shows the nation’s most dangerous drivers are in Newark, N.J. Of course, the survey included as fatalities any bodies that were found in the trunk.”

Conan O’Brien, “Late Night with Conan O’Brien,” on Ken Lay and Jeffrey Skilling’s guilty verdicts: “They’re both facing over 100 years in prison. This makes them the only two Enron employees who don’t have to worry about paying for retirement.”

Leno on the movement in Arizona to turn voting there into a lottery: “This is real. The way it would work is that after every election, one voter would win $1 million. So basically, you’d vote a Democrat and end up a Republican.”

Comedy writer Jake Novak on police reports that drinking and driving incidents were down this Memorial Day weekend: “Of course they were – who can afford to buy both booze and gas?”

Courtesy of Ken Rasak and Newsday.com