(Bud Abbott): Hello, this is the Ultimate Computer Store. Can I help
you?
(Lou Costello): Thanks. I’m setting up a home office in the den, and
I’m thinking of buying a computer.
Mac?
No, the name is Lou.
Your computer?
I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one.
Mac?
I told you, my name is Lou.
What about Windows?
Why? Does it get stuffy?
Do you want a computer with Windows?
I don’t know. What do I see when I look out the windows?
Wallpaper.
Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
Software that runs on Windows?
No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals,
track expenses. You know, run a business. What have you got?
Office.
Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
I just did.
You just did what?
Recommended something.
You recommended something?
Yes.
For my office?
Yes.
Okay, what did you recommend for my office?
Office.
Yes, for my office.
Office for Windows.
I already have an office and it already has windows! Let’s say I’m
sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
Word.
If I’m writing a proposal, I’m going to need lots of words. But what
program do I load?
Word.
What word?
The Word in Office.
The only word in office is office.
The Word in Office for Windows.
Which word in “office for windows?”
The Word you get when you click the blue W.
I’m going to click your blue W if you don’t give me a straight answer.
Let’s forget about words for a minute. What do I need if I want to watch a
movie over the Internet?
RealOne.
Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your
business. But what do I need to watch it?
RealOne.
If it’s a long movie I’ll also want to watch reels two, three and four.
Can I watch reel four?
Of course.
Great! With what?
RealOne.
Okay, so I’m sitting at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What
do I do?
You click the blue 1.
I click the blue one what?
The blue 1.
Is that different from the blue W?
Of course it is. The blue 1 is RealOne. The blue W is Word.
What word?
The Word in Office for Windows.
But there’s three words in “office for windows!”
No, just one. But it’s the most popular Word in the world.
It is?
Yes, although to be fair there aren’t many other Words left. It pretty
much wiped out all the other Words.
And that word is the real one?
No. RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn’t even part of
Office.
Never mind; I don’t want to get started with that again. But I also need
something for bank accounts, loans, and so on. What do you have to help me
track my money?
Money.
That’s right. What do you have?
Money.
I need money to track my money?
No, not really. It comes bundled with your computer.
What comes bundled with my computer?
Money.
Money comes bundled with my computer?
Exactly. No extra charge.
I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge? How much
money do I get?
Just one copy.
I get a copy of money. Isn’t that illegal?
No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money.
Microsoft can license you to make money?
Why not? They own it.
Well, it’s great that I’m going to get free money, but I’ll still need
to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money?
Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago.
Well, what do you sell in its place?
Money.
You sell money?
Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for free.
That’s all very wonderful, but I’ll be running a business. Do you have
any software for, you know, accounting?
Simply Accounting.
Probably, but it might get a little complicated.
If you don’t want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B.
M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for?
Mind Your Own Business.
I beg your pardon?
No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B.
Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home business. You
know–accounting? You do it with money.
Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need more.
More money?
More than Money. Money can’t do everything.
I don’t need a sermon! Okay, let’s forget about money for the moment.
I’m worried that my computer might…what’s the word? Crash. And if my
computer crashes, what can I use to restore my data?
GoBack.
Okay. I’m worried about my computer smashing and I need something to
restore my data. What do you recommend?
GoBack.
How many times do I have to repeat myself?
I’ve never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was GoBack.
How can I go back if I haven’t even been anywhere? Okay, I’ll go back.
What do I need to write a proposal?
Word.
But I’ll need lots of words to write a proposal.
No, you only need one Word-the Word in Office for Windows.
But there are three words in…Oh, never mind.
Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up on me? Oh, well.
Hello, Ultimate Computer Store. Can I help you?
