Bill Maher, “Real Time with Bill Maher”: “Our Homeland Security people tell us the birds carrying the dreaded bird flu could reach our shores within three months. Bush said we are fully prepared. He’s going to have Cheney shoot them.”
Tina Fey, “Saturday Night Live”: “Pentagon records show that at least 8,000 members of the all-volunteer U.S. military have deserted since the Iraq war began. Hey, at least somebody has an exit strategy.”
Conan O’Brien, “Late Night with Conan O’Brien”: “Bill and Hillary Clinton were spotted hiking in a national park near Washington. After a 10-mile hike, the former president said, ‘I just can’t seem to shake her.’”
Comedy writer Rob Bates: “South Dakota has passed a law outlawing all abortion. Abortion supporters and foes alike said they were stunned that something interesting happened in South Dakota.”
Comedy writer Jim Barach: “The FBI is warning of possible terror threats during the NCAA basketball tournament. However, the odds have been significantly reduced now that it appears Texas Tech coach Bobby Knight won’t be competing.”
Comedy writer Jake Novak on Barry Bonds’ first home run in spring training over the weekend: “It’s truly shocking, since most pharmacies are closed on Sundays.”
O’Brien on the retirement of legendary newsman Mike Wallace at age 88: “When asked why, Wallace said he wants to spend more time with his grandchildren, now that they’ve also retired.”
Courtesy of Ken Rasak and Newsday.com