Comedy writer Alan Ray: “Andy Card has resigned as White House chief of staff. He was the one aide who was not afraid to bring Dubya bad news about evil doers: ‘Mr. President, Helen Thomas is in the room.’”

Jon Stewart, “The Daily Show with Jon Stewart,” on the new White House Chief of Staff Joshua Bolten: “[He's] been working in the White House for Bush’s entire presidency … and for the last three years has been in charge of the Office of Management and Budget. In other words, [Bush] just gave a promotion to the guy who was in charge of our $9 trillion debt.”

Bill Maher, “Real Time with Bill Maher”: “The president’s mother, Barbara Bush, donated tax-deductible money to Katrina relief after the flood, and now we find out that it was with specific instructions that the money be spent for educational software owned by her son Neil. Because who can forget those tragic images of the poor black people on the rooftop in New Orleans, holding up signs that said, ‘Send educational software.’”

Comedy writer Rob Bates: “‘Today Show’ host Katie Couric recently stirred controversy when she called Wal-Mart ‘as American as apple pie.’ She later added, ‘if the apple pie was manufactured in China.’”

David Letterman, “Late Show with David Letterman,” on the upcoming hurricane season: “President Bush is already stockpiling excuses.”

Courtesy of Ken Rasak and Newsday.com

A French teacher was explaining to her class that in French, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

“House” is feminine — “la maison.”
“Pencil” is masculine — “le crayon.”

A student asked, “What gender is ‘computer?’” Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups — male and female and asked them to decide for themselves whether “computer” should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The women’s group concluded that computers should be masculine (“le computer”), because:

  1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on

  2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves
  3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem
  4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model

The men’s group decided that “computer” should definitely be of the feminine gender (“la computer”), because:

  1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic

  2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else
  3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval
  4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it

It’s from Rep. Charles Rangel, D-NY, when asked on PBS what he thought of the president:

“Well, I really think that he shatters the myth of white supremacy
once and for all.”

Incredibly funny video…take a look:


NBC Leprechaun Spotting Story (Alternate Link)

Comedy writer Jake Novak: “Zacarias Moussaoui’s ex-roommate, Hussein al-Attas, says he and Moussaoui were like the ‘Odd Couple.’ Apparently, al-Attas was the neat and clean one, and Moussaoui was the one trying to build a dirty bomb.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray: “The exhibition season continues in Florida and Arizona. David Wells is using this time to improve his game. Yesterday, he pitched a complete inning without a single hot dog.”

David Letterman, “Late Show with David Letterman”: “You can always tell when it turns to spring in New York. That’s when carjackers come in through the sun roof.”

Novak on the NCAA tournament: “Americans can’t get enough, even though most fans couldn’t tell you where many of the schools’ campuses are. Unfortunately, neither can most of the players.”

Comedy writer Matt Passet: “According to a new survey, smoking among teenagers in NYC is on the decline. Well, of course – they can’t smoke in bars anymore.”

Bill Maher, “Real Time with Bill Maher,” on singer Jessica Simpson’s cancellation of a visit to the White House: “Bush apparently feels snubbed, and he’s not taking it lying down. Today, he threatened to cancel the next state dinner with the Duke and Duchess of Hazzard.”

Letterman on Donald Trump’s wife giving birth: “Thank God, now I am not the oldest father in New York.”

Courtesy of Ken Rasak and Newsday.com

Do you keep falling asleep in meetings and seminars? What about those
long and boring conference calls? Here’s a way to change all of that.

  1. Before (or during) your next meeting, seminar, or conference call, prepare yourself by drawing a square. I find that 5″ x 5″ is a good size. Divide the card into columns–five across and five down. That will give you 25 one-inch blocks.

  2. Write one of the following words/phrases in each block:
    * synergy
    * strategic fit
    * core competencies
    * best practice
    * bottom line
    * revisit
    * expeditious
    * to tell you the truth (or “the truth is”)
    * 24/7
    * out of the loop
    * benchmark
    * value-added
    * proactive
    * win-win
    * think outside the box
    * fast track
    * result-driven
    * empower (or empowerment)
    * knowledge base
    * at the end of the day
    * touch base
    * mindset
    * client focus(ed)
    * paradigm
    * game plan
    * leverage

  3. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases.
  4. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout “BULLSHIT!”

Testimonials from satisfied “Bullshit Bingo” players:

– “I had been in the meeting for only five minutes when I won.” – Adam
W., Atlanta

– “My attention span at meetings has improved dramatically.” – David
T., Florida

– “What a gas! Meetings will never be the same for me after my first win.”
– Dan J., New York City

– “The atmosphere was tense in the last process meeting as 14 of us
waited for the fifth box.” – Ben G., Denver

– “The speaker was stunned as eight of us screamed ‘BULLSHIT!’ for
the third time in two hours. The Bullshit Bingo Championship will be
played at the next meeting.”

http://www.jsonline.com/onwisconsin/arts/oct02/86006.asp

I carry my Leica camera a bit more proudly these days.

The reason? A story I had never heard before – a tale of courage, integrity and humility that is only now coming to light, some 70 years after the fact.

The Leica is the pioneer 35mm camera. From a nitpicking point of view, it wasn’t the very first still camera to use 35mm movie film, but it was the first to be widely publicized and successfully marketed.

It created the “candid camera” boom of the 1930s.

It is a German product – precise, minimalist, utterly efficient. Behind its worldwide acceptance as a creative tool was a family-owned, socially oriented firm that, during the Nazi era, acted with uncommon grace, generosity and modesty.

E. Leitz Inc., designer and manufacturer of Germany’s most famous photographic product, saved its Jews.

And Ernst Leitz II, the steely eyed Protestant patriarch who headed the closely held firm as the Holocaust loomed across Europe, acted in such a way as to earn the title, “the photography industry’s Schindler.”

As George Gilbert, a veteran writer on topics photographic, told the story at last week’s convention of the Leica Historical Society of America in Portland, Ore., Leitz Inc., founded in Wetzlar in 1869, had a tradition of enlightened behavior toward its workers. Pensions, sick leave, health insurance – all were instituted early on at Leitz, which depended for its work force upon generations of skilled employees – many of whom were Jewish.

The ‘Leica Freedom Train’

As soon as Adolf Hitler was named chancellor of Germany in 1933, Ernst Leitz II began receiving frantic calls from Jewish associates, asking for his help in getting them and their families out of the country.

As Christians, Leitz and his family were immune to Nazi Germany’s Nuremberg laws, which restricted the movement of Jews and limited their professional activities.

To help his Jewish workers and colleagues, Leitz quietly established what has become known among historians of the Holocaust as “the Leica Freedom Train,” a covert means of allowing Jews to leave Germany in the guise of Leitz employees being assigned overseas.

Employees, retailers, family members, even friends of family members were “assigned” to Leitz sales offices in France, Britain, Hong Kong and the United States.

Leitz’s activities intensified after the Kristallnacht of November 1938, during which synagogues and Jewish shops were burned across Germany.

Before long, German “employees” were disembarking from the ocean liner Bremen at a New York pier and making their way to the Manhattan office of Leitz Inc., where executives quickly found them jobs in the photographic industry.

Each new arrival had around his or her neck the symbol of freedom – a new Leica.

The refugees were paid a stipend until they could find work. Out of this migration came designers, repair technicians, salespeople, marketers and writers for the photographic press.

Keeping the story quiet

The “Leica Freedom Train” was at its height in 1938 and early 1939, delivering groups of refugees to New York every few weeks. Then, with the invasion of Poland on Sept. 1, 1939, Germany closed its borders.

By that time, hundreds of endangered Jews had escaped to America, thanks to the Leitzes’ efforts.

How did Ernst Leitz II and his staff get away with it?

Leitz Inc. was an internationally recognized brand that reflected credit on the newly resurgent Reich. The company produced range-finders and other optical systems for the German military. Also, the Nazi government desperately needed hard currency from abroad, and Leitz’s single biggest market for optical goods was the United States.

Even so, members of the Leitz family and firm suffered for their good works. A top executive, Alfred Turk, was jailed for working to help Jews and freed only after the payment of a large bribe.

Leitz’s daughter, Elsie Kuhn-Leitz, was imprisoned by the Gestapo after she was caught at the border, helping Jewish women cross into Switzerland. She eventually was freed but endured rough treatment in the course of questioning.

She also fell under suspicion when she attempted to improve the living conditions of 700 to 800 Ukrainian slave laborers, all of them women, who had been assigned to work in the plant during the 1940s.

(After the war, Kuhn-Leitz received numerous honors for her humanitarian efforts, among them the Officier d’honneur des Palms Academic from France in 1965 and the Aristide Briand Medal from the European Academy in the 1970s.)

Why has no one told this story until now? According to the late Norman Lipton, a freelance writer and editor, the Leitz family wanted no publicity for its heroic efforts.

Only after the last member of the Leitz family was dead did the “Leica Freedom Train” finally come to light.

It is now the subject of a book, “The Greatest Invention of the Leitz Family: The Leica Freedom Train,” by Frank Dabba Smith, a California-born rabbi currently living in England.

The book ($5 plus postage) is available from the American Photographic Historical Society, 1150 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10036.

I recommend it.

Appeared in the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel on Oct. 9, 2002.

Bill Maher, “Real Time with Bill Maher”: “Our Homeland Security people tell us the birds carrying the dreaded bird flu could reach our shores within three months. Bush said we are fully prepared. He’s going to have Cheney shoot them.”

Tina Fey, “Saturday Night Live”: “Pentagon records show that at least 8,000 members of the all-volunteer U.S. military have deserted since the Iraq war began. Hey, at least somebody has an exit strategy.”

Conan O’Brien, “Late Night with Conan O’Brien”: “Bill and Hillary Clinton were spotted hiking in a national park near Washington. After a 10-mile hike, the former president said, ‘I just can’t seem to shake her.’”

Comedy writer Rob Bates: “South Dakota has passed a law outlawing all abortion. Abortion supporters and foes alike said they were stunned that something interesting happened in South Dakota.”

Comedy writer Jim Barach: “The FBI is warning of possible terror threats during the NCAA basketball tournament. However, the odds have been significantly reduced now that it appears Texas Tech coach Bobby Knight won’t be competing.”

Comedy writer Jake Novak on Barry Bonds’ first home run in spring training over the weekend: “It’s truly shocking, since most pharmacies are closed on Sundays.”

O’Brien on the retirement of legendary newsman Mike Wallace at age 88: “When asked why, Wallace said he wants to spend more time with his grandchildren, now that they’ve also retired.”

Courtesy of Ken Rasak and Newsday.com

Official Announcement:

The US government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government’s political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you’re actually being screwed.

Damn, it just doesn’t get more accurate than that.

Tina Fey, “Saturday Night Live”: “President Bush and the Indian prime minister agreed on a landmark nuclear energy agreement in which the U.S. would share its nuclear know-how and fuel with India, and in exchange, India would take all our jobs.”

Jon Stewart, “The Daily Show with Jon Stewart,” on footage showing President George W. Bush being briefed on a possible levee breach in New Orleans before Hurricane Katrina: “I will say this in the president’s defense: During that briefing we saw, he wasn’t listening.”

Comedy writer Rob Bates: “According to a new poll, more than 50 percent of Americans know more about ‘The Simpsons’ than their constitutional rights. Of course, no one’s trying to slowly erode ‘The Simpsons.’”

Fey on how to use the new FDA-approved patch for depression: “Simply remove the backing, and press the patch firmly over your mother’s mouth.”

Stewart at the 78th Annual Academy Awards: “‘Capote’ addressed very similar themes to ‘Good Night, and Good Luck.’ Both films are about determined journalists defying obstacles in a relentless pursuit of the truth. Needless to say, both are period pieces.”

Conan O’Brien, “Late Night with Conan O’Brien”: “The company that owns Madison Square Garden has proposed tearing the Garden down and building a new one. The good news is they’re going to tear it down during a Knicks game.”

Courtesy of Ken Rasak and Newsday.com

© 2010 Marc Bressman's Web Site Suffusion WordPress theme by Sayontan Sinha