Comedy writer Jake Novak: “President Bush used his State of the Union address to urge Americans to reject isolationism, which makes a lot of sense since soon we’ll all be working for the Chinese.”

Jay Leno, “The Tonight Show”: “President Bush talked about the need to work hard on the economy, to work hard on health care, and to fight nonstop against terrorism. Then he left to go on a long weekend at his ranch to watch the Super Bowl.”

Comedy writer Jim Barach: “Super Bowl viewers will eat an estimated 3,000 calories on game day. Or as most Americans call it, ‘Sunday.’”

Michael Feldman, public radio’s “Whad’Ya Know?,” on the surprise Hamas party victory in the Palestinian election: “The Hamas landslide was attributed to Tom DeLay redrawing Palestine’s congressional districts.”

Comedy writer Robert Emproto on the “A Million Little Pieces” controversy: “During an on-air confrontation with Oprah Winfrey, author James Frey admitted that he fabricated details of characters, exaggerated past brushes with the law, and that there were, in fact, only 999,973 little pieces.”

Conan O’Brien, “Late Night With Conan O’Brien,” on the Oscar nominations: “‘Brokeback Mountain’ received eight nominations, Phillip Seymour Hoffman was nominated for his portrayal of Truman Capote, and Felicity Huffman was nominated for playing a transsexual. Despite all that, this is expected to be only the seventh gayest Oscars of all time.”

Posted by Tom Foreman, CNN Correspondent on Anderson Cooper 360° Blog

I was riding the Metro train to work in Washington, D.C., this morning, bleary-eyed and headachy from staying up half the night to cover the State of the Union, when a thought hit me like a football to Marcia Brady’s nose: If politics has really devolved into only so much political theater, why don’t we treat it that way?

Now, I know that there are plenty of Democrats and Republicans who really want to help with the serious work of the nation: Spurring the economy, supporting families, protecting our security. But these Super Bowl political events, such as the State of the Union address, are really about policy second, putting on a show first.

So I thought, let’s go through all the moments of the speech and give out some awards, just like we do for movies.

Best Actor: Senator Bill Frist acting like he wasn’t using every moment in front of the camera to campaign for his own presidency.

Worst Actress: Hillary Clinton trying to force a smile after President Bush invoked the name of her husband in a bid for Democratic applause.

Best Drama: Samuel Alito’s agonizing struggle over whether or not to clap.

Best Direction: Mindless lockstep of Reds and Blues cheering or grousing on cue.

Best Walk-On: Louisiana Governor Kathleen Blanco…a not so subtle reminder that big problems remain in the Deep South.

Worst Walk-Off: Anti-war protestor Cindy Sheehan. She got herself into the chamber, but then got thrown out for revealing her antiwar t-shirt before the president even arrived. Talk about missing your cue.

Best Supporting Actress: Laura Bush. Who can argue?

Best Comedy: Dave Chappelle. No, he wasn’t there, but it sure would have been funny.

Best Picture: OK, no kidding here. The family of Marine Staff Sergeant Dan Clay, who was killed in Iraq, displayed dignity, bravery and respect in a room full of political posturing. By far, their appearance was the most compelling moment of the night.

This one’s been floating around for a while, but its good for a quick laugh

The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of Sexually Transmitted Disease. The disease is contracted through dangerous and high-risk behavior. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim and pronounced “gonna re-elect him.”

Many victims contracted it in 2004, after having been screwed for the past four years. Cognitive characteristics of individuals infected include: anti-social personality disorders, delusions of grandeur with messianic overtones, extreme cognitive dissonance, inability to incorporate new information, pronounced xenophobia and paranoia, inability to accept responsibility for own actions, cowardice masked by misplaced bravado, uncontrolled facial smirking, ignorance of geography and history, tendencies toward evangelical theocracy, and categorical
all-or-nothing behavior.

Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed at how this destructive disease originated only a few years ago from a bush found in Texas.

I have no idea if this is really true or not, but its pretty funny

NBA OR NFL?

• 36 have been accused of spousal abuse
• 7 have been arrested for fraud
• 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
• 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
• 3 have done time for assault
• 71, repeat 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
• 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges!
• 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
• 21 currently are defendants in lawsuits, and
• 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

Can you guess which organization this is?

Give up yet? . . . Scroll down,

Neither, it’s the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group of Idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him.

The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, “What’s the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?

The old man did not bat an eye in his response, “Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.”