Courtesy of New York Times Circuits: From the Desk of David Pogue

OK, we all know that the tech-support problem is out of control these days. But just for fun, reader John Stumpf, ex- CIO and now just a “retired geek,” wrote up a Guide to Dell Tech Support that’s so clever/funny/smart, I had to pass it on. Please welcome substitute columnist John Stumpf.

PREPARATORY WORK

So it has happened: you have fired up your Dell PC, and – nothing. Or the dreaded “cannot find boot drive” or something like that. Now you are forced into the unenviable position of having to call Dell Off-shore Hardware Support. Look at it as a journey, one on which you will be tested, much like Job or Arthur Dent. You will descend into the ninth circle, but with the proper preparation, tools and attitude, you will return, a better person for it.

First, before you call, prepare. Raid your kids’ library and find some simple reading primers along the lines of “See Spot Run.” This will help you speak in non-complex sentences and monosyllabic words.

Make an appointment for that root canal you have been putting off. After what you are about to experience, you will look forward to it.

Buy a speakerphone; it’s tough to stay rational when your neck is cramped.
When you are ready to MAKE THE CALL, go to the bathroom, take an aspirin, get a book or crossword, stock up on water and nibbles (preferably ones with high sugar content and no nutritional value; Twinkies are good). Shoo the kids out of your den; it’s possible that they will hear things that could cause serious psychological issues later.

Do your relaxation exercises; take a sip of water; remember Dan Rather’s closing, “Courage.” And MAKE THE CALL.

WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?

The first thing that you will get is a recorded announcement saying that you can go to support.dell.com online to get help. This is your first test. Refrain from screaming that your PC is broken and you can’t GET to the Internet. This is where it is handy to have a towel to bite on, so your family doesn’t hear you screaming at a recording.

You may also be asked to enter your “Express Service Code.”
(The discussion of why you have an “Express” Service Code when you are spending a long time on hold is best put off for another time.)

Eventually you will get to a person. You will tell him/her why you are calling, and most likely you will be told you have to call someone else. They will offer to transfer you, but before they do, GET THE EXENSION NUMBER. This is very important, especially when (not if) you get cut off. Note that it is a seven-digit extension number.

While waiting, pause and ponder the size and complexity of a company that needs an extension number the size of your phone number.

Now you are getting close. You will eventually get to someone who after getting your name, address, problem, and again, Express Service code, will say the magic words, “I can help you with that problem.” You have now contacted a Dell Offshore Personal Expert – a DOPE.

Some notes on this part of the process:

* The DOPE will probably call you by your first name, because he/she wants to be your new best friend.

* He/she will profusely thank you at every step of the way for the same reason.

* He/she will have a notable American name like Patrick, Matthew or even a Shaun. Do not react to this.

But congratulations; YOU HAVE REACHED SOMEONE WHO IS TRYING TO HELP YOU! You reached the ninth circle, and all you have to do is return.

THE RETURN

What happens now will vary depending on your problem. But here are some guidelines for dealing with the DOPES.

* Do not yell at them. Aside from the fact that it is rude, I think the phone system has a volume limiter that will cut you off. Bite the towel instead.

* Do not try sarcasm; DOPES don’t understand it. Again, bite the towel.

* Ditto humor.

* Do not use words like “escalate” or “supervisor.” In my case, they were greeted by a frosty silence. My guess is that they sound like obscenities in the local language.

* Do not ask if there is U.S.-based support. You will be told that there is “no U.S.-based Dell support.”

* You may be told that the DOPE will take personal responsibility for your problem. Loosely translated, this means you will never hear from him/her again.

THERE IS HOPE

At some point in this process, you may reach a Newly Oriented Dell Off-shore Personal Expert – a NO-DOPE. This is a person that has recently joined Dell who hasn’t been fully trained and therefore will approach your problem in a friendly, knowledgeable and professional manner. He/she will solve your problem in less time than it took to write this.

The moral of the story is to keep trying; eventually you will reach a NO-DOPE.

YOU HAVE DONE IT

See, I told you that you could do it. Let the kids and pets back in, throw out the towel, and start using complex sentences and polysyllabic words again. And late that night, after everyone has gone to bed, break out the 12-year-old stuff, and toast yourself. Tomorrow you can reload all your programs and restore your data from your backup. You do have a backup, don’t you?

(All of the events related here are based on my experience with two incidents. The process was so frustrating that I probably will not buy another Dell. And of course apologies to Dante, Doug Adams, Greek mythology and those at Dell Off- shore Support who are great.)

Bill Maher, “Real Time with Bill Maher,” on the congressional report that criticized the White House for wasting billions of dollars in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina: “Bush said history will call that a small price to pay if we wind up bringing democracy to Louisiana.”

David Letterman, “Late Show with David Letterman”: “This just in: … Bode Miller has just tested negative for gold medals.”

Michael Feldman, public radio’s “Whad’Ya Know?”: “Looking at a ratings disaster, the Olympic committee decides to make ‘American Idol’ an Olympic event.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray: “Spring training has begun in baseball. Loyalty is always a factor in contract negotiations. Throughout his career, the average player would really like to stay with the same agent.”

Comedy writer Jake Novak: “A new poll shows that businesses in New York are having trouble finding decent workers. But that poll is misleading because the only employers surveyed were the owners of the Knicks and the Jets.”

Comedy writer Jim Barach: “U.S. airlines lost an average of 10,000 luggage bags a day last year. The only thing they are better at losing is money.”

Kinda funny…

A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very Liberal Democrat, and was very much in favor of the redistribution of wealth. She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that
she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harboured an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.

One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the addition of more government welfare programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school.

Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn’t even have time for a boyfriend, and didn’t really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.

Her father listened and then asked, “How is your friend Audrey doing?” She replied, “Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus, college for her is a blast. She’s always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn’t even show up for classes.”

Her wise father asked his daughter, “Why don’t you go to the Dean’s office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA.”

The daughter, visibly shocked by her father’s suggestion, angrily fired back, “That wouldn’t be fair! I have worked really hard for my grades! I’ve invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!”

The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, “Welcome to the Republican Party”.

Comedy writer Jim Barach: “Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot a 78-year-old lawyer. Not to worry. It’s part of the new proposed Bush Administration Social Security plan.”

Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg: “Times sure have changed. Now we have a vice president attempting to kill quail, whereas in 1989 we had a Quayle attempting to kill the vice presidency.”

Conan O’Brien, “Late Night with Conan O’Brien”: “You’ve all heard of a controversial Danish cartoon, still sparking protests with Muslim fundamentalists, because they claim the cartoon defames Islam. If that weren’t bad enough, today Marmaduke came out against stem cell research.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray: “Saddam Hussein is on a hunger strike. Prosecutors are concerned he could die in prison. They seek an end to his actions so that the trial may proceed and he can die in prison.”

Comedy writer Jake Novak on the 12-year-old Arkansas boy who’s getting a free trip to New York from George Steinbrenner after the young man passed up his dream of seeing a Yankee game and donated his $1,000 life savings to his school instead: “It’s a good thing he did that, because $1,000 isn’t enough for a decent seat at Yankee Stadium anyway.”

Barach on “Price is Right” host Bob Barker’s request to officials at the L.A. zoo to close the elephant exhibit and let the elephants retire to a sanctuary: “Coincidentally, the elephants were asking CBS to do the same thing with Barker.”

LOS ANGELES, California (AP) — Television talk shows took aim Monday at Vice President Dick Cheney’s accidental weekend shooting in Texas of a hunting companion. Here are a few of the jokes.

“Late Show with David Letterman,” CBS

“Good news, ladies and gentlemen, we have finally located weapons of mass destruction: It’s Dick Cheney.”

“But here is the sad part — before the trip Donald Rumsfeld had denied the guy’s request for body armor.”

“We can’t get Bin Laden, but we nailed a 78-year-old attorney.”

“The guy who got gunned down, he is a Republican lawyer and a big Republican donor and fortunately the buck shot was deflected by wads of laundered cash. So he’s fine. He took a little in the wallet.”

“The Tonight Show with Jay Leno,” NBC

“Although it is beautiful here in California, the weather back East has been atrocious. There was so much snow in Washington, D.C., Dick Cheney accidentally shot a fat guy thinking it was a polar bear.”

“That’s the big story over the weekend. … Dick Cheney accidentally shot a fellow hunter, a 78-year-old lawyer. In fact, when people found out he shot a lawyer, his popularity is now at 92 percent.”

“I think Cheney is starting to lose it. After he shot the guy he screamed, ‘Anyone else want to call domestic wire tapping illegal?’ “

“Dick Cheney is capitalizing on this for Valentine’s Day. It’s the new Dick Cheney cologne. It’s called Duck!”

“The Daily Show with Jon Stewart,” Comedy Central

The show’s segment titles included “Cheney’s Got a Gun,” “No. 2 With a Bullet” and “Dead-Eye Dick.”

“Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot a man during a quail hunt … making 78-year-old Harry Whittington the first person shot by a sitting veep since Alexander Hamilton. Hamilton, of course, (was) shot in a duel with Aaron Burr over issues of honor, integrity and political maneuvering. Whittington? Mistaken for a bird.”

“Now, this story certainly has its humorous aspects. … But it also raises a serious issue, one which I feel very strongly about. … Moms, dads, if you’re watching right now, I can’t emphasize this enough: Do not let your kids go on hunting trips with the vice president. I don’t care what kind of lucrative contracts they’re trying to land, or energy regulations they’re trying to get lifted — it’s just not worth it.”

“Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson,” CBS

“He is a lawyer and he got shot in the face. But he’s a lawyer, he can use his other face. He’ll be all right.”

“You can understand why this lawyer fellow let his guard down, because if you’re out hunting with a politician, you think, ‘If I’m going to get it, it’s going to be in the back.’ “

“The big scandal apparently is that they didn’t release the news for 18 hours. I don’t think that’s a scandal at all. I’m quite pleased about that. Finally there’s a secret the vice president’s office can keep.”

“Apparently the reason they didn’t release the information right away is they said we had to get the facts right. That’s never stopped them in the past.”

Courtesy of CNN

Of course, you had to expect these sort of sites after Cheney’s “incident”, but its funny nonetheless: Dick Cheney Quail Hunt

I am a senior citizen.

During the Clinton Administration I had an extremely good and well paying job.

I took numerous vacations and had several vacation homes.

Since President Bush took office, I have watched my entire life change for the worse.

I lost my job.

I lost my two sons in that terrible Iraqi War.

I lost my homes.

I lost my health insurance.

As a matter of fact I lost virtually everything and became homeless.

Adding insult to injury, when the authorities found me living like an animal, instead of helping me, they arrested me.

I will do anything that Senator Kerry and Senator Kennedy want to insure that a Democrat is back in the White House come next year.

Bush has to go.

Sincerely,

[CLICK HERE TO SEE WHO I AM]

Really stupid…but yet kinda funny (like most things on my site)

Tina Fey, “Saturday Night Live”: “Epiphanny Prince, a 17-year-old New York girl, broke the city’s high school girls’ basketball scoring record when she scored 113 points in a game this week, leading her team to a 137-132 victory. To be fair, they were playing the Knicks.”

David Letterman, “Late Show With David Letterman”: “Hillary Clinton apparently now has a huge diamond ring. So I guess Bill’s dating again.”

Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg: “Republican Missouri Congress-man Roy Blunt Jr. blamed his loss for House majority leader on the media. In fact, Blunt whined and complained so much, Al Gore and John Kerry named him an honorary Democrat.”

Conan O’Brien, “Late Night with Conan O’Brien”: “General Motors announced this week that it’s cutting the salaries of its top executives. Industry experts say that GM executives will be earning so little they’ll be forced to drive GM cars.”

Comedy writer Jim Barach: “Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas’ autobiography has been delayed. It was supposed to come out last year but has been pushed back to 2007. It will be available just as soon as Justice Scalia finishes writing it.”

Letterman on photos showing Britney Spears driving with her baby in her lap: “Here’s the weird part: In the baby seat next to her was Kevin Federline.”

Who designed King Arthur’s Round Table?

Sir Cumference!

Why was the math book so sad?

Because he had so many problems!